DDay - 3/9/17
Me - BW, 44
Him - WH, 40
Married - 10 years, together 14 years
No Children by choice
Finally Accepting that it’s Time to Move On
It feels so weird that I forgave him for the adultery, but after countless other non-sex betrayals, I’ll be divorcing him over his choice to secretly buy a car.
It’s the pattern of lies by omission.
It’s the disgust in his voice when he defends himself by rewriting the narrative
It’s my racing heartbeat when I’m sitting at home alone because I’m triggered again just wondering what else I haven’t learned yet
13 comments posted: Wednesday, May 22nd, 2024
He threw himself a going away party
My story, short version, is he cheated 6 years ago, it was already over when I found out, and I decided I was willing to R
To my knowledge, it has never happened again. However, he failed to do (or maintain) any of my other non negotiables.
4 years ago he accepted a job in a small town without my agreement. I was in another betrayal. I predicted the job would not work out and I was right. In the meantime, we bought a house and I got a new job and put down roots.
2 months ago, I find text messages indicating he is about to blow up our lives again. After a secret job hunt, he informs me he has accepted a job and he hopes I’ll come with him. This time, I said no. It’s been a roller coaster but it’s clear he simply doesn’t care about the wreckage he causes me when he makes these major life choices without consulting me at all. It feels like I’ve been married to a stranger. Every time I choose to give him my trust, he abuses it. Even though it’s not an affair, he has done all of this in secret and dropped a bomb on me.
To keep things manageable during the weeks before his move, I’ve been polite and calm. It helped me execute a favorable property settlement agreement which I made a condition of this move. He has been love bombing me and insisting he doesn’t want a divorce, so I’ve been playing along.
Well, if I’m honest, I think I was tempted to believe him… again. I made excuses for him, again. But part of me was so hurt by the affair that I don’t believe I’ll ever be able to fully trust anyone again, so I told him I had conditions for this ‘temporary’ separation. But then he threw himself a going away party at the house we bought together (all of 1 year ago). I was astounded that he wanted to do this but I decided I could be the bigger person. I could play along….. sure, babe, you deserve it. It will be fun!
Surprise, surprise, it just wasn’t possible for me to keep the mask on after alcohol. I was not prepared for
1. He hasn’t told any of our friends here the truth about how this new job came to be
2. Nobody asked me how I was feeling about this
3. Alcohol + 1 + 2 = me feeling even less seen, so I decided to start making comments here and there to provoke interest. Not a great hostess move, makes people uncomfortable. Not my style either. Not classy
4. Despite his loooooong history with alcohol abuse, I failed to predict that he would over drink, provoking me even further
I guess I thought he would be on his best behavior. I thought he might try to leave me with a good impression of how he has good intentions
Nope. He is just a party boy living for the moment expecting life to be fun all the time. And all of these friends are enabling him. I don’t want anyone as a friend who excuses his behavior. It has been the reality check I needed. I told my therapist last week that I couldn’t even use the word hate to describe how I feel about him. I can now. I find him disgusting, shallow, and callous. I can’t believe I’ve given him so many chances. My PSA was fully executed a week ago…. I’m not sure why I still felt any need to be kind to him or to put on a show. As soon as the separation period is complete, I’m filing. Good riddance
1 comment posted: Monday, July 17th, 2023
Long Time, No See…..it’s the Big D for Me
5 years into reconciliation and we’ve just had the talk. He is still emotionally dysfunctional and has never made good on his promise to enter and stay in therapy for 12+consecutive months. I find out this morning he is thinking of leaving me because he says I don’t care about his feelings. We are at an impasse. We bought a huge house together last year in a town he dragged me to for his job, and now he is running away. Again.
Seeing his texts to hometown friends was what did it for me. He wants to leave ME? Because…. I stopped enabling him? After all the compromises I have made? Any shred of trust that was rebuilt is destroyed. I’m finally ready to accept that neither of us is going to change, so it’s time.
I came home to ask if he wanted to talk (he moved his clothes to the spare bedroom while I was at work). I asked if he had anything to say… he did, deflecting responsibility and bone entirely to me.
I said I understand how you feel and I’m sorry. It seems we have both said all there is to say and I’m ready to accept divorce as the only option left.he seemed relieved. I feel sad and stupid for trying. I’ll be 44 this month and it feels like the last 5 years have been such a waste.
The good news is that we have no kids and just laid out a basic plan for division of assets. He comes out ahead but it feels smarter than going to battle and wasting money through that process. We will both be fine financially. I know this will be hard but it’s temporary and I’m trying not to feel devastated or hopeless.
I will never marry again
5 comments posted: Wednesday, June 7th, 2023
