Sharing Expenses

It's been a while since I've been here. My divorce happened 3 years ago - separated almost two years prior to that. One year after the divorce, I dipped my toe into OLD and found I was not ready. Fast forward another year; I tried OLD again and met a great guy! We are dating just over a year. He is a BS like me and married even longer than I was.

We get along in many ways and our differences do not cause issues. My children, who are young adults, have met him and like him very much as does my extended family. He is retired and I still work so we spend week days apart which we are fine with. The weekends are 100% spent at my house since I still have my youngest at home - an intellectually disabled young adult who he has accepted as part of the "package". He is very kind to her and we enjoy our weekends together.

Lately it has started to bother me that while we spend every weekend at my home, he does not contribute to the home. Now don't get me wrong, we enjoy each other very much. But the reality is that my child support/alimony mostly supports my home expenses, i.e., utilities and food. He freely helps himself to whatever is here and does his laundry here weekly. Initially it did not bother me in the least. In many ways he is very generous to both me and my child. The truth is that we don't live together full-time so we don't share expenses.

I approached him a month or so about this and he seemed surprised. He also got a bit defensive - more in demeanor than in words. He responded with "well I take you and Susie (my daughter) out to eat at least a few times a month so it all evens out. My response was that while yes he did do that in my mind that was more about our dating life than evening out our expenses. When I asked if he didn't "live" here on the weekends would he not take me (and yes sometimes my daughter) out? Financially he is more set than I am. There have been a few times when I've treated us to a meal out - at my invitation - and he has always accepted. Then he'll tell stories about how his daughter might offer to take him out to eat and he refuses because it's too expensive. For the record she's in her late 30's married and both spouses have successful careers.

My guess he is clueless on this matter. If we could stay at his place, I'm confident he would be find if we acted like he does at my home. He paid for my daughter and myself to fly to his summer home and he treated us very well. His house was our house and it was a lovely week.

Since I mentioned this to him, I've noticed the he brings some groceries here on the weekend soI feel some movement on the issue but still when he walks into my pantry and starts rummaging through it I feel my spine stiffen. Or when he empties my laundry from the dryer into a heap in a basket so he can do his, I bristle. Am I just selfish? I want him here and I want him to feel comfortable but at the same time it is my home, not ours. His behavior indicates he thinks it's ours.

When we stayed with him I always asked to use something or take something. That's who I am. When I stay at someone's home I always bring something. Even at his vacation home we brought him "treats" we know that he likes as a gesture of gratitude.

He will talk about us getting married and while that is not off the table for me it would take a while to get to that place. I like our arrangement, minus the afore mentioned and don't want to change our status. Honestly, money is the big reason I'd hold off on getting married. I don't make a lot at my job (I'm there for the health benefits). I get way more in support from my ex-husband and a lot of that would go away if I remarried. Plus I have a trust set up for my children and I would could not change my will due that and a guardianship in place for my daughter. Financially it is complicated for me.

Am I being selfish? Not ready for a committed relationship? I don't want to end my relationship and think this could be worked out. There is a lot of good in our relationship. Any insight is appreciated :)

9 comments posted: Sunday, September 4th, 2022

I feel like I'm 16 again and not in a good way

I recently tried again with OLD. A man messaged me and I replied. We messaged back and forth through the app for a few days and then we exchanged #'s (I use google voice for privacy). We had great conversations on text and then started speaking on the phone. No red flags. This was the first guy I wanted to meet live. After two weeks of communicating, we decided to meet for an early dinner this past Saturday. It was fun! He looked like his pictures, was witty and a gentleman. He asked if I would like to go out again sometime and I said yes. He's new to dating also and I got the sense we were talking about developing a friendship then seeing what happens. I'm totally on board with that. So I texted him thanking him for a great night. He never replied. Sunday I got one text late in the day saying he had a busy day and was going to bed. Monday one text saying his allergies were bad and he was going to bed. Today a picture of sign he thought was funny then a text tonight that he had to get up early and "good night". I responded to each message (except the last one). He also never directly acknowledged anything that I said in my text. It feels like I'm being ghosted. He went from zero to sixty back to zero. Do I just let it go? Keep responding? Ask? I hate this!!!!!!! I am an over thinker on these things so I may just slink back into single-dom!

13 comments posted: Tuesday, February 16th, 2021

Is it too soon for me?

I'm on an OLD site. A man contacted me and left a nice message. I messaged him back. Within 24 hrs he asks for my # and calls. Out of the gate launches into his Church and would I go with him. He "doesn't want to fall in love and find out I'm not a believer" Well I am but we go to very different churches. I told him so and that I wasn't willing to change. He said he didn't expect me to and then went on to say he wouldn't either. I couldn't help that feel this was a red flag - one in the sense it was way too early to bring that subject up and two that he was planning long term. Then he went on about how gorgeous I am and when can we meet. He couldn't wait to meet me and take me out. I honestly wasn't ready to meet him right away - I just was happy to online chat for a while. He texts first thing am and last thing pm. I'm feeling rushed. Or am I just not ready.

18 comments posted: Tuesday, October 27th, 2020