Crazy narc/socio contacts after 4 yrs no contact. What's been your experience?

I didn't think it would happen, but it did. My narc-y, cheat-y ex, unaffectionately (and previously) known as my hex, and I have been divorced for 4 years. Some of you will know me from before.

I was so grateful that after the divorce I had gone strictly NC and it worked. I had led my life, did my healing and thought I was so grateful for this forum and the sharing of experiences...I wouldn't have known about NC otherwise.

A few days ago I got a 'threatening' letter in the mail. It was registered mail. All very official.

A bit of backstory. He lives on the other side of the world, has since remarried (6 months after the D), and for the last 6 weeks, was on my side of the world, visiting my adult daughter and seeing the grandkids for the first time. You would think that everything is coming up roses for him. But no, he had to take a weird dig.

The letter he sent was soooo bizarre. I had to laugh...he had set it up with very legal terminology. I guess he's a lawyer now. It was so ridiculous.

Basically he said he wanted copies and a memory stick of all of my photos (yes, my photos of our family --he never lifted a finger and the photos were all taken by me over almost 3 decades), and if they weren't delivered he would seek compensation/ pursue whatever means necessary, blah blah blah.

Now here's where it gets weird. I had taken the high road (hard to do but out of fear I think, I did it), and had given him access to my photo albums during the separation. He had taken copies, and gotten memory sticks of the photos, himself. Paid for them. Done. Gave back my photos, (wrecked the front of each one by writing with a black sharpie on the back, supposedly in order to track them and where they go back into the albums...bullshit..it was like a 2 year old did this...it was of no help when I got them back. Everything was in disarray and it took me and 2 friends hours to try to sort them out. And they were never sorted out in the end).

Then, my daughters each got copies of the memory sticks. Ok, you would think it's all done right?

I told my adult daughters. Here's my reasoning. I needed to know if they had given him my address. (I didn't think they did, but I couldn't be sure--and I know that he could have got it by digging..he's very persistent). I also needed to reality check that I had my facts straight (that he had gotten the memory sticks, given them to them). So basically I chose to tell them that this happened because I needed to know, those 2 things. Both wanted to 'come to my rescue' and ask him where he got the address from. But I asked them not to because I don't want them to feel they need to fight my battles in any way. I just needed some factual information.

One was cool about it and supportive. The other one was fine in the beginning and now has severe boundaries all of a sudden, not to talk to her about anything related to our dramas.

I have a hard time with this--his stupidity is still impacting me and my kids.

I really don't know how to be with my one daughter, at times. It feels very gaslighty because she changes her mind quite rapidly. And it's confusing. I don't know where I stand with her. Then we have long conversations about it and things go fine for awhile, then boom.

There's more to it than this, but this is the main part of the story.

Open to hearing your own stories of resonance on this. When does this end!!!????

He's so petty. And if anyone 'should' be petty with all that was lost, it 'should' be me. What I mean is, as many here can probably relate to, he devastated my life initially, then continues to take unsolicited digs. WTF? He got everything he every dreamed of and he's still so unhappy. My DD says she sees another divorce in his future.

Sounds about right.

30 comments posted: Tuesday, September 20th, 2022

Remind me how being single is awesome again please?

I broke up with my boyfriend 6 months ago. I don't regret my decision, it wasn't long term sustainable. We're still friends and have preserved what we like about each other.
I'm 5 years from D day.
And I'm well versed in being single by now.
However, I am ready to find my lifetime guy. And I am certainly now open to getting married.
Most days my life is full and I really enjoy things. I've done so much that I wouldn't have experienced if I had stayed married to WXH.
However, there are those moments, especially in the mornings and before bed, when I really want my guy to show up. I need a reminder of what it's actually like to be in a relationship and the not-so-positives, since I am idealizing how great things will be...

9 comments posted: Thursday, April 21st, 2022

Feeling sad, abandoned and lonely after breakup 5 months ago

Hi SI friends,

I have been coming back here for the past few months, reading posts and finding comfort.
I broke up with my boyfriend 5 months ago. We were together 2 years. At first I was ok. I knew I couldn't continue on long term as he had very little empathy (not apparent when we first met, however, he did forewarn me) and he had intimacy issues. Emotionally and otherwise. Lots of body shame or something.

But I miss him alot. Some things that weren't working for me: he didn't want to get married, was very content with the relationship as it was. And initially I sure didn't want to get married either. That was the best part...no pressure. I was freshly out of divorce so this worked, until it didn't. I felt like the relationship wasn't progressing. And eventually I realized that I now wanted the option of getting married.

I stopped feeling seen and heard. Because he wasn't comfortable with my feelings at times. And this made me retreat into myself. And he had a real issue with asking questions. He's an extreme introvert, and I have noticed this with other introverts in my life...they just don't naturally ask personal questions. Not sure if that's been anyone else's experience.

We decided to stay friends. And I'm back and forth about this.
A month ago we went over to mutual friends party together. It felt like we had never broken up. And I realized I was living a bit of a fantasy but it was nice. We get along so well. Some friends had no clue we had broken up and were surprised. Other friends must have found it strange that we were there together, but I didn't care. We had told them that we would remain friends. (We had to car pool as it was out of town, and easier).

So as we were driving home together, I asked him if he was happy and he said yes...(He had gone into a new relationship 2 6 weeks after I broke up with him. I was shocked because he's so introverted. And it felt like betrayal and abandonment that he started dating so soon. Our friends were shocked and disappointed with him. For me, it brought out all my stuff. It felt so similar to WXH and how quickly he moved on. I have had lots to process). I told him it was really nice to hang out and that I missed him.

And after that ride home, I went into grief. I really hadn't grieved the loss of this relationship. I have been feeling really fatigued, been sick 3 times and just was avoiding it. So now here we are. I'm feeling so much grief. I started therapy again.

He called me the other day and I had just had a shattering therapy session. I had been crying so much. And then as I drove home, he rings me. I was very surprised when his number came up. He basically wanted to chit chat and said he hasn't been good at connecting with anyone at all. And never calls people. He wanted to try to do that more. (I had heard these promises when we were dating...he would say he would try to do better, would for awhile, then couldn't sustain it). I also remembered how little he would ask me questions and his first go to was always to back away and give someone space if they were upset. Even though I had explained I only needed two things. A question of concern and a hug. I didn't think that was too much to ask, however, it was like he had to re-learn this over and over again.

I miss so many things we had though. And this is what makes it so hard.
The hours of cuddling, the deep talks, the intellectual interaction, his humour (very funny), sharing the same faith and spirituality, my family liked him! There was so much that was just so good. He was highly creative as am I. I've never met anyone like him, he was super playful like me, it felt like our inner children were having a party. He kept my interest and was quirky. Although by year 2 the resentments were building up. Especially his lack of wanting intimacy. And highly conflict adverse. (Although I am too).

When we're together, it just flows so easily. And that's why I thought we could be friends. I don't know if that's a great idea anymore. I'm going to be 60 in a year or so and sometimes I think life is short, I can be friends with an ex if I want to and there's no harm. Other times I feel so deeply about somehow still loving him and wanting him to be part of my life.

I had decided to take 6 months off to do some healing again. And next month marks the end of that. I don't have any desire to go online dating as I hate it mostly. So I do meet a large amount of men because I'm involved in some great and fun activities. However, no one has clicked yet.

Nights and mornings are the hardest. I feel lonely at times and want that male companionship. I know that I am meant to be with someone because I am whole and complete and simply want someone who is that too. So that we can share our life together. I've done a lot of work on myself and have stopped doing that. Because doing more work has nothing to do with getting a better relationship. It just doesn't work that way. I don't need to 'earn' a better relationship by doing sooo much work on me. I just would like to finally meet the love of my life. I do believe he is out there looking for me at the same time, I just feel that God's timing is hard to wait on tonight.

Anyways, I would be open to any feedback about all this. Whatever comes to mind. Thank you to all of you. I am so grateful to have had a place like this to come to and continue coming to for feedback, and to process new feelings and situations.

9 comments posted: Monday, March 28th, 2022

First serious relationship after D ends...he had Aspergers...anyone familiar with this?

Hi Everyone,
I haven't been on here for quite awhile, even though occasionally I would pop in to see how people were doing. It's been 4 years since Dday and wow...life DID in fact get so much better. It was so hard to imagine back then what it would be like to be in a relationship again.

After divorcing, I moved and within that year, I started my first serious relationship.

I just however, broke up with my boyfriend of 2 years and I know it was what I needed to do. Because it was a very conscious relationship (for me) and breakup, I really wasn't feeling anything and I thought I could bypass the pain. But nope! So here I am, the last 2 weeks have been brutal.

I had suspected he was Aspergers early on, but the good outweighed everything. He is the most honest man I've ever met (sometimes brutally so but it made it easy to be in a relationship with him, for the most part) loyal, super funny, fun, same faith, intelligent, same values, etc. I am in deep grief though. I know that the relationship wasn't long term sustainable.

He was very literal, things didn't come naturally to him, and after awhile, I didn't feel seen or heard. He would never initiate saying he loved me. (He did show it in his actions, he was usually kind --except when brutally honest...and attentive). He wasn't much of an initiator at all actually. It was like having a friend beside me after awhile. It felt quite immature after awhile. Very conflict adverse. I'd have to hold space for myself and keep him calm during conflict. Very tiring.

I felt exhausted by the relationship after awhile.

I learned alot. And,there was alot of healing for both of us. (He had also been betrayed). I do miss him. We decided to stay friends, but that was me more than him. I really like his friendship but when he doesn't reciprocate it's tough...and the irony of that isn't lost on me. I get that he likely wouldn't want to initiate because I broke up with him. But, he doesn't feel as deeply as I do. In fact, he's probably quite over me already. Maybe it's not fair to want friendship, but I do.

I'm taking time off and being single for the next 4 months. Probably as long as I can take it..lol. I don't know. I'm just not one of those who wants to be single forever. I'm very able to be single though and have learned to enjoy my company and am actually very proud of how far I've come in that area. I just happen to be extraverted so people are good for my soul.

Does anyone have any experiences with Aspies? I'd really like to hear about them. I think I also need help processing this. I needed to check in here so that I can acknowledge my pain because it would be super easy for me to try to stuff it down and look at the positive. I need to be vulnerable. Thank you!

8 comments posted: Friday, December 31st, 2021

Saying I love you after divorce...

I have a question. I'm in a new relationship, best yet, and I love my boyfriend. I'm having a really hard time telling him though. Neither one of us has said it.

Did it take you a long time to be able to say 'I love you?" after being betrayed? I also found I had a hard time saying those words generally, even to family members and friends.

Just curious if this has happened to anyone, and how long it took until you felt more comfortable?

9 comments posted: Monday, July 13th, 2020

Found out my ex got married

I very recently found out my ex got married. No one told me, I actually had had a nightmare, then a God nudge to google his name. From there I found out he's married.

It didn't bother me much because I feel like I have my PhD in narcissism. And I knew it wouldn't be long before he'd harangue his next unsuspecting victim. He had another gf after the OW, couldn't keep those relationships going because he didn't have enough 24/7 access.

The thing that bugged me mostly was that my adult kids didn't mention it.

I haven't talked to them about it as I needed to process it first.

I suppose it bothers me because it would affect them. And because after D day, we had somehow made some sort of agreement that they wouldn't cross talk. I had said to them I'll support their relationship with their father, and I'd appreciate if they would support my non-relationship with him.

I told them I would answer any questions they had as well.

I felt that since D day, they pulled away. They support each other and get support from their husbands and other close friends. I feel that i haven't been able to talk with them the way we used to. And this saddens me on some level.

I also think that we kind of 'froze in time'. We are somehow following rules that may have worked on D day, which was 3 years ago. These rules don't seem to apply anymore.

I feel like I made a mistake. What i would have liked to have done was say to them that they could freely talk to me about anything that involves them and their dad. If they need support i'm there for them. I think I kind of told them, but obviously it wasn't clearly stated.

I would have wanted to know that he got married. I haven't processed why though. I guess it's because i want to know how it impacted them, and to be able to support them if they need it.

I also would hope that they would tell me if anything big happened like, for example, when he dies. THAT I would really like to know. And it is on the one hand from a place of anger, and more and more, it's because it's a customary thing to do, after all I would like to know this of anyone that I spent half my life with.

Does anyone have any words of wisdom around all this? How do I now create new rules of some sort?

At D Day I had so much fear. I was afraid of what he might do and so I didn't want the kids to tell him anything about me. I also felt totally betrayed and angry and he really had no right to know anything about my life. I wanted nothing to do with him.

I am still complete NC with him, which is a blessing for sure. I intend to stay that way. I have no desire or reason to have any contact with him.

I'm in a new healthy amazing relationship and have moved on in my life. I do still yearn for and miss the ease in which I could talk to my girls though.

I'm trying to work out how i can have them understand that if they tell me things, it's ok, that they don't need to protect me. I just am not sure that if I make this available (that they can tell me about things that they are doing that involve their dad in their life), if they would expect that to be reciprocated (eg: then they can tell their dad things that they do with me etc). Not sure how I would feel about that. Maybe i can say, it's ok to talk about me in context of us doing things together, not ok if it's strictly about me and my personal life. BUT...does that make things convoluted? Will they think, that's just too complicated so we will just continue on not telling either parent about the other?

I don't often look for advice, but in this case I would like to hear some wisdom from whoever is further along this path than me.

Thanks so much!

9 comments posted: Tuesday, April 28th, 2020