Me: WW 47 My BH: Walloped 48 A: 3/15 - 8/15 (2 month EA, turned into 3 month PA) DDay: 8/3/15 In R

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3 comments posted: Monday, January 25th, 2021

At A Loss

I’ve been very hesitant to post this for a whole bunch of reasons. I’m leaving the stop sign off for now. (Background: DDay was 5 and a half years ago after an EA and 3 month PA. We've been in R)

About a week and a half ago, my favorite SI aunt gave me gentle guilt trip about posting in the Positive Reconciliation Stories thread. And like I told her then, the truth is that I would love to, but I don't know if it's going to happen any time soon.

So things between my BH and I have been feeling off for a while. It's not that there was anything wrong or something but we both weren't feeling very positive. What I mean is that there was nothing wrong specifically but there was this overall cloud or something that has been there. It was emanating from him and as he withdrew, I withdrew because I didn't want to push him. I wanted to respect his space and his moods. I didn't know what it was, but it was there and his whole demeanor was different.

He had COVID back in April and May and it was bad. Long story, but thank God he’s fully recovered. But it took time. Anyway, for the past few months his smile hasn’t been there so much anymore. We have plenty of good times and we laugh and joke and of course we have our youngest at home plus the grandchildren and there are so many things to be grateful for. But when it's just us it's fine. And that's the thing. It's fine and that's about all. We talk, we have sex, we do some things together, but it's like he's going through the motions with me. And I have no one else to blame but myself. I destroyed a perfectly good man, a wonderful husband and father and made him a shell of who he was. His eyes don't laugh along with his mouth anymore. He doesn't tease me the way he used to. He's more polite. Like he's formal with me.

It's not all doom and gloom but we're missing the spark in our marriage. Not the sex type but the connection type. And of course it's my fault and I understand that. But I feel like he's resigned himself to his fate. That because of his COVID scare he's out of options. If he left me, he'd be on his own and who would help him and take care of him? And of course, there's our youngest who's a pre-teen now, but in 5 years he'll be in college and it'll be just us. Maybe he feels trapped. Maybe he always planned on leaving me but now he feels like he can't? Maybe I've been unfair to him? Maybe I should offer him a way out? He deserves to be happy and maybe I'm holding him back from that?

So all of this was going through my head for a long while and I was scared to death and basically paralyzed and my SI aunt (bless her) encouraged me to talk to my BH about it. And I did. It’s just taken me this long to post about it because I’m nervous about the responses I’m going to get. I honestly don’t need a whole bunch of people telling me I should just let him go and D so he can be happy. That’s not helpful. But I do need help and advice and I think I need them from both WS’s and BS’s which is why I left the stop sign off.

Anyway, I broached the subject with him and asked him if he felt this distance too and if he was okay and was there anything he wanted to discuss? Was he unhappy? Was he unhappy with me? And a whole bunch of questions like that. I don’t remember them all.

Yes, he felt it. Yes, he contributed to it. He’s not unhappy, but he’s not happy. He loves me. He’s blah. It’s nothing I’ve done, in fact he went on about me and how I took care of him during his COVID period and how grateful he was (as I said, long story). He feels like he owes me for that. He knows I’m there for him and proved that, but he also feels alone. He’s happy he chose to stay with me but he doesn’t know how he ended up here in life. I asked him if he wanted a divorce? I told him I would give him one without any argument if he wanted it. He deserves to be happy. He said no. He doesn’t want that. I asked if he feels trapped or that because of what happened during COVID he feels like he can’t leave? No. He knows he's withdrawn and he knows I've mimicked that too I gues taking my cues from him. He's blasé about it.

We talked about my A. I wanted to know if he still thinks about it regularly. Sometimes. Mostly it’s just a thought that passes through but occasionally it hits him hard. I don’t think it’ll ever not hit him hard. Wouldn’t he have a better chance at being happy without me? No. He doesn’t believe that. And he’s not sure this is all tied up with me. But it’s impacting us and how we connect and how we are. He sees that too. But he’s not convinced it’s solely about me and my A. It might be part of it, but when he does think about it, he said he doesn’t get angry with me in his head, like he doesn’t rant or anything. Even in his thoughts. He just thinks about it and is sad for a bit and then it passes. So why doesn’t he smile? He doesn’t know.

So we talked about making an effort to spend more quality time together and things like that but I'm lost. I don't know what's going on. I think I messed up badly by not being more proactive. I was giving him his space but maybe I should have forced the issue? I mean I still told him I loved him and did things for him and initiated and thanked him and so on, but I wasn't aggressively so. Maybe I should have?

He says it's not me but in some ways it has to be, doesn't it? He said he loves me. He said he doesn't want to D. But he also said he's not happy. He alternates. I want him to be happy. I want him to enjoy life. He's such a good person. I don't know how to help him. I don't know how to help us. Any advice or guidance would be really appreciated.

136 comments posted: Monday, December 14th, 2020