God's G.A.M.E is Grace and Mercy Everydaynie mój cyrk, nie moje malpyMe: BSHer: WW, unrepentant, blamingM: 4/8/2012S: 8/5/2017DD: 11/29/2017Found out 4/2019 EA turned PA in July 2017, and cohabitation since 12/201

Gone too long, but where is the karma?

I used to post and read here all the time right after DD, but the ups and downs got too distracting.
But the last few years have caused me to question so much of life.
10 years ago I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia. 2 years ago I was diagnosed with PTSD from the affair in 2017, and everything that went along with it. Since then I've had a failed engagement, realizing my ability to trust has been decimated, and a new son who I have 50/50 custody of but I'm having to file my third contempt filing against his mother and modification of custody.
I've given up on relationships, I have no interest, at all. The thought makes me shiver.

Meanwhile, WXW married the AP and they bought a $400k house an hour farther away.

My appeal of the custody order was thrown out because i didn't know to file a reconsideration first, lesson learned, and I'm on appeal of contempt for being unable to pay more than 80% of the $1547/mo child support. I lost one of my 3 jobs for bullshit reasons, the highest paying one. And the only reason I'm not homeless is the grace of God that the VA stepped in to bail me out at the last minute last month. Still, both cars I had ended up with blown transmissions, and my hopes of buying a house seem farther away as I contemplate filing for bankruptcy.

I don't know if I'm sincerely asking or if the brandy I decided to indulge in after 3 months is having an affect, but I just wonder when is the shoe going to be on the other foot?

Sure, she married an abuser who I've heard cursing her during my calls to the kids, but outwardly it feels like they're winning.

Now, I don't mean to disprove God's grace, I've survived where many others would have lost it all. I have the kids in summer camp, somehow, for my weeks. Power is on, rent is paid, and I have transportation through Uber rent. But I have worked so hard to get ahead and am just making it, while they seem to be thriving.

I honestly never cared until a month ago.

All these years, I thought things would flip, but in all the ways that matter I'm struggling while she complains about the escrow on their house being due.

I harbored no hate the first few years, but the harder it gets for me the more I hate her. My only saving grace is reminding myself I'm not better than the apostles nor Christ who suffered unrighteousness, but it isn't as convincing as it was a few years ago.

I haven't been to church in 2 years, but that's for other reasons, too.

Anyway, I'm sorry I've been gone so long. I'll be wallowing on Spotify and brandy awaiting opinions.

11 comments posted: Saturday, June 15th, 2024