A question of curiosity, input from WS's welcome

Firstly, I guess I keep posting here because this is the place I find comfort.

As some of you already know, I have recently had lots of issues with WS not helping much with making me feel safe in the relationship (reconciliation) after he betrayed me. Rather he has gone in the opposite direction.

This is a question of curiosity, because as it stands now, I have all but detached from this drama and psychological & emotional merry go-round. Just to recap, he pursued (only by text that I know of) his female "friend" even though he was told to back off (perhaps formed an emotional connection? I am not sure. (FULL STORY IN MY ORIGINAL POST)

SO, just what are the reasons for this stuff

1. Lack of interest in doing the work
2. Lack of any forthcoming intimacy
3. Inability to show empathy for the BS's feelings

I know I really shouldn't keep tormenting myself with this stuff, but it's on my mind and need to get it out

4 comments posted: Friday, September 22nd, 2023

Can anyone explain this? Why does a WS stay in a relationship if they no longer care?

Hi SI community,

I already posted here yesterday (in reconciliation) but feel this post is more suited here (please correct me if I am wrong)

So,I have been through the betrayal (5 years ago-emotional affair) although the alleged truth was drip fed and 18 months ago I discovered text messages on a spare phone, so this was all ignited again for me, he went to therapy and on the basis that he put the work in to heal the hurt, I accepted a reconciliation with him.

I have also been experiencing emotional abuse from him for many years, though at the time I did not know that is what it was (discovered through research and therapists explanations)

The reason for my post in reconciliation yesterday was that he has made very little effort in making me feel safe again and is once again using disrespectful behavior towards me by ogling/checking out other females right in front of me, I spoke to him twice about it already and it has not stopped.

From the support I have already been given yesterday, I am now facing the acceptance that he just does not care

So the purpose of this post is to ask, why is he still here with me? why does he not leave? surely if you do not care about someone anymore, you would not continue in a relationship with them?

11 comments posted: Wednesday, September 13th, 2023

This is definitely not how to do reconciliation

Hello forum family,

Some of you are aware of my ongoing situation from previous posts, but hell, things have not progressed in a positive light, they have rather got worse in some ways. Apologies in advance, I was not sure if I really should have started a new thread or not.

While I admit that some progress has been made in respect of him being less defensive in me opening conversations,other behavior has got worse, namely the absolute disregard for me asking for him to make an effort to make me feel more safe and being able to start to trust again & blatantly displaying disrespectful behavior by continuing to fixate on members of the opposite sex while out and about, even though I have spoken to him twice regarding this. What on earth is going on here, is he just plain stupid, does not care, I really do not know, it is certainly not making me feel safe, that is for sure.

So sorry, I just do not undersatnd

17 comments posted: Tuesday, September 12th, 2023

Reasons for WS not making an effort in reconcilliation

Hi Everyone,

I am currently working through my issues with a therapist, this is for me personally.

I posted here a little while ago, but really would like your input/experiences of why the WS does not make the effort required to mend the relationship..I realise that everyone is different, but in the last two years I have not seen much improvement to connect with me in an emotional or physical way.

The very act of betrayal that he did was going to another female to discuss his worries with rather than me, he says this is because he cannot open up to anyone who is close to him, another reason he has given is, feeling shame for his actions.

I understand it is just not possible to have a definite answer as to why he is not making an effort with the relationship, but interested to know if anyone else has experienced this too..

Appreciate your support

30 comments posted: Sunday, July 23rd, 2023

Can anyone give me a big hug

Hi Everyone,

I did post here a few days ago, but hope no-one minds that I need to create a new post (owing to things coming to a head today)

Just a little on my backstory...

A little under 5 years ago, I discovered my partner had been visiting another female without my knowledge, I will admit that it created pain that I never thought possible, although he always maintained it was support for a problem he was going through (yes, that is correct, discussed it with someone other than myself, his partner). I had all the usual, "you are jealous" stuff etc, and at that point could not understand that what he had done was wrong! So, we went to a counselling, where it was explained to him why it was wrong, and what was needed to work on the relationship. During this time, he still could not sit down and work through the whole details of how he ended up going to see this other woman, I agreed to give him time to do this, but it took until two years ago.

At this point two years ago, I also discovered the woman in question had rightly told him he really needed to go home and talk to me, rather than go to her, but then also discovered on a spare phone that he had continued to message her, although as far as she was concerned she had distanced herself from him,and rightly so, so it was him that tried to pursue with text messages. So I believe he had formed some sort of emotional connection,even though she had made it clear to him that it was wrong to be discussing his problems outside of his relationship. What then followed, was, him agreeing to go to counselling by himself.

So, after his counselling ended, and because I truly did forgive what had happened, I agreed to move on and work at the relationship, while explaining what it was I needed from him to make me feel safe, supported and understood. I truly believed this was to be a turning point for us and tried hard to make it work. Now I believe I made a mistake.

He had improved in some ways, being less defensive when I try to discuss issues, but this has not lasted long, he makes no emotional connection with me at all, no intimacy, and has really gone in the opposite direction and created distance from me. Any attempt I have made to ask what is wrong or ask why he does not come near me have resulted in defensiveness and argument, I then get angry (which is what I understand from speaking to my own therapist as reactive abuse) something I am extremely ashamed of. He is good in other ways, being kind, and making sure I have everything I need, but I feel so empty, alone and unloved. I have also had to deal with him making it so very obvious in my company that he is blatantly ogling other women, the first time I explained how disrepected and uncomfortable it made me feel and he stopped doing it for a while, but then it started again very recently. He also told me he could not connect with me because of the shame he felt over what he did, I honestly find it hard to believe that in all that time he has been unable to deal with that.

This came to a head today, because I tried to discuss something with him (unrelated to the above) and he was unable to relate to me in a respectful adult manner, This is where my story ends, I have finally drawn the line in the sand with him today and told him I will not tolerate living like this anymore, because quite frankly, for me, it is unacceptable to live life this way...fortunately, I was well prepared for the gaslighting, blameshifting and contempt that I was faced with, because this is how he conducts himself, He then left the house for work. Now I am left with the realisation that I am 61 years old, financially dependent and unable to support myself. Having a hard time just thinking clearly right now, but I have had enough of it all and just need to know I will be OK.I am scared for the future. I cannot afford to see my therapist any longer because money is tight and I have no other support network to talk to.

Thank you for being here and listening...Is this really what reconciliation should look like?

16 comments posted: Friday, July 7th, 2023

I have just about given up..5 years down the line

Hi Folks,

Honestly do not know where to start with this,I was at this forum 5 years ago (although could not find my old messages) when I discovered my partner had been going to see a female in secret, I caught him out, but always said nothing happened, just support (like an emotional affair I suppose)

I agreed to give it another go and it was fine for a while, although there was no intimacy shown by him, and still has not to this very day, He does not engage with me emotionally, does not initiate conversations etc etc. Only time things improve for a short while is after a disagreement (usually started by me trying to find out why he doesn't really show much interest in me) then he will make an effort for a few weeks, but then it all goes back the same old behavior. To sum it up, it feels like two room mates sharing a home. He also ogles other females in my company, twice I have had to call him out on it, it is done in a disrespectful way. Because I don't understand what is going on, I have started being suspicious again..cue the snooping.

I have since discovered that an old pack of condoms that has been in his drawer for the last 5 years, has two missing!I am sure there were 3 all that time ago and now there is 1 left in the box, I also found a card from a diner dated the month before I joined this forum (although when I asked if he had met up with this woman anywhere else other than her home he said he hadn't..I have never set foot in said diner in my entire life!

Is it happening all over again, I don't know,but the work that was required to make me feel safe in this relationship has not been forthcoming. Just needed to offload all that.

9 comments posted: Monday, July 3rd, 2023