Am I being too gun-shy?

After years of tryng R, WH and I decided to separate in early 2023. It isn't that we hate each other. I've even come to like him again. It's just that I couldn't trust and, frankly, could not get past his decade-long affair, the way he treated me (VERY emotionally and verbally abusive), nor the history of him and his flirting, etc. And while he did do a lot of work, I just couldn't feel the same. He says he understood. He said he noticed the distance between us and also thought it was for the best.

It's been scary, and it's been good since then. We've remained friendly. I've been enjoying myself and getting 'reacquainted' with the old me I thought was long gone. I've spent time with friends. A lot of self care. Visited family. Spent glorious amounts of time alone and with my dogs. All good stuff. And though I've been asked out, I just... didn't feel interested in dating. Zero. Not even casually. I felt somewhat peaceful with that. In all due time, I told myself.

Fast forward to September of last year when I went to lunch with a male friend I've known and been great friends with for 28 years. The lunch is something we've done since his divorce 2 years ago. They are infrequent - maybe every 2-3 months. We meet. We dine. We talk mostly about finances, mutual friends, life. Then we paid our checks and waved goodbye until next time. Sometimes, we've been with other mutual friends we have known for a long time.

So last September, the conversation changed. He admitted that he's always been attracted to me and that he's developed feelings for me.

Anyway, I just stared. I was speechless. I guess it caught me off guard. He told me to think about it, but he'd definitely like to take me out sometime. Awkward, since WH and him often run into each other in the whole mutual friends thing, too.

I gave it some thought for a couple of weeks and said I'd be willing to sort of see if we even COULD move out of the friend zone. We have a lot in common, and we're familiar with each other after all.

It started out super slow, which was good because I felt weird about it. What if it didn't work? He's my friend. That's far more valuable. We decided not to tell mutual friends just yet because we weren't sure things would work out.

One date after another, we slid into a somewhat comfortable relationship of sorts. It's not heavy - sometimes, our schedules are such we don't see each other every week. Yet, he's all in. I mean ALL in. He talked about our many years we'll have together, growing old, etc. Meanwhile, I'm all... I'm enjoying this, but I'm also skittish. It's too much a little too fast, I think. I tell him. He says to take my time. Whew.

Fast-forward to this weekend. He's in Florida with some mutual friends at Disney. They've planned the trip for a year - reservations, the works. I didn't go because I'm beyond slammed with work and absolutely can't take the time off. The friends - they are a couple - invited a single female friend of theirs along, thinking they'd quietly set him up with her.

I say quietly because he has resisted anyone setting him up because he hates blind dates. These friends don't know about us yet.

The problem? I'm triggered. WH and his AP were running around when he was on business trips. When I found out he was out with a single woman for dinner, he said, "We are just friends and coworkers!"

And now, this guy is avoiding the topic of me being triggered. I have brought the subject up twice. He diverts the topic. I struggle with intimacy and being vulnerable, but I went on a limb and opened up to him how I felt about this - how and why I am triggered, though he knows the history.

His response? He texted "You know where my heart is. I'm not looking...unless you tell me otherwise, in which case I'll have to find someone new." Then he sends a picture of him smiling on the gondola along with, "It's a sunny day here."

WTF? Or am I being too sensitive? I guess I was at least looking for a little empathy. Something along the lines of how he knows this is triggering, but he'll tell our friends or... something?

Thoughts? Maybe I'm still not ready? Maybe I'm being unreasonable? Maybe we really need to stay in the friend zone after all?

5 comments posted: Thursday, January 25th, 2024

Atomic Habits

Another recommendation here. Again, it doesn't deal in infidelity. This book helps you recognize good and bad habits, how to break the bad ones and how to develop good ones.

It's based on Cue, Craving, Response, Reward. While the book focuses on better eating, health, sleeping, productivity habits, it could also help you recognize signs of cheating, things that draw you to bad decisions, etc. How you use it is up to you.

I think that with some nice self-help books we can learn and grow, which builds self-confidence and allows us to broaden our perspectives.

2 comments posted: Friday, April 5th, 2019

The Happiness Project

Just wanted to say that I think this book might be helpful. While it doesn't deal in infidelity, it deals with life. It's made me revisit what happiness is to me and ways I can be happier.

0 comment posted: Friday, April 5th, 2019