Feeling a bit lost...

Hi all, been a minute since I've posted, but I've finally really began to move on and need advice.

The quick and dirty version of my situation (you can see more in my posts, if you're wanting more): In 2018 a lack of communication, and what I eventually realized was an emotional affair, led to my break-up with my significant other of 6 years. I tried to reconcile before I was aware he had also physically cheated on me, and when I found out he had, I still decided to try to give it a chance. Through a series of bad choices of giving him FAR too many chances, partially induced by a lot of major changes in my life that led me to seek out the closeness we once had, I finally realized I needed to cut him out completely. I have not spoken to him since December of 2019.

In the meantime, I've had moments of feeling okay and had a few dates here and there, but never really felt ready for a real relationship. I moved to a new place last August (part of the life changes that led me to seek out the closeness), but before that, I decided to try dating apps. Where I live is remote, so any chance of dating was most likely going to stem from dating outside the box, so to speak. I spoke for a while with one guy I really hit it off with, but sometimes he'd go a week or more without responding and never progressed to an actual in-person date. Ultimately, I realized I wasn't ready to date anyway and I deleted the apps.

Fast-forward to the realization that I needed to cut my ex out completely, and I felt so much better once I did. I realized it was a false hope I was clinging to. There was absolutely nothing left there--we were texting buddies and he caused me more stress than anything else, so once he was gone, I became aware I actually WAS ready to move on. I was in a great place, feeling better than I had in a long time. Re-downloaded the apps, and because remote place, I re-matched with the guy I had hit it off with in August. We once again had great convos, and this time set a date to meet in-person.

We've now been dating for 3 months! He's truly great in so many ways, but for the first time since everything happened, I am realizing the true, long-lasting damage done by my ex's infidelity as I try to establish a healthy, new relationship. My new partner has his own personal set of hauntings from his past, which unfortunately makes it that much harder.

Hang in there, please, this is going to be long! To begin with, my current guy is amazing at staying in touch. We live a few hours apart because of the remote location that we live, but we have literally talked on the phone every single night since our first date, and usually video chat. He isn't great at texting, but I've been able to forgive that given we catch up via phone every night. The most we've gone without seeing each other has been a couple weeks, which was completely doable. At the very beginning, there was one day where he didn't respond right away and didn't call until very late, and it sent me into a panic attack but I was able to work myself out of it and we had a conversation about it the next time I saw him. He was very understanding, apologized for not being great at texting, but it felt good to get it out in the open (prior to that convo, he knew my past relationship had ended due to infidelity, but not the finer details of it all).

However, most recently, I've started to get more paranoid and have more triggers. This is where thoughts/advice would be amazing...

To begin with, he is very close with his ex. They broke up due to living in different states with different life goals, but stayed friends because it wasn't a vicious/ugly end. He was very open about this right off the bat, which is why I really didn't feel like I needed to worry and although it scared me a bit because of my past, I reassured myself that he's been so open. She's in another state -- he could have quite easily not told me about her. She lives in the town where his house is, though, and he goes back there to do repairs/fix things every so often. However, I recently found out that he was the one to end it, and she apparently took a lot of "beating it over the head" to get it through that there is nothing physical there anymore. This was, of course, concerning to me as someone who had been cheated on, but deep down I don't believe he'd cheat, at least based on where we're at. And again, he was the one to tell me this about her. But I've also begun to get the feeling he has not told her about us, and maybe doesn't intend to. He made a comment about going on the trip down there alone because it didn't feel right to wave his new woman in her face, or something to that extent.

He's also not always the most willing to open up about more personal things. I understand his past has been rough, and this is still new, so I don't expect an outpouring of his whole life story in one night! And he DOES tell me things here and there, so it isn't as if he doesn't confide in me at all. But a major event happened and I told him he could talk to me about things, that I was there to help him, and his response was that his life has made him good at dealing with things on his own. My last relationship's lack of communication was largely due to my ex not wanting to talk about feelings and put that burden on me, so this ended up being a trigger. To me, a partner should be able to be someone you can lean on when times are tough and you need to talk and share the burdens of life. I'm so torn here because this is so new. With time, I think maybe he'd open up...but maybe not, and this has scared me. I just can't help but wonder, if I HADN'T been cheated on and treated the way my ex treat me, would it even bother me that he has things he isn't ready to discuss with me? I don't think it would.

And similarly, he's felt more distant lately, but apparently he's had a lot of triggers for his haunting past lately. He told me that and told me he likes to just be alone and get lost in his work during those triggers, which I can understand. I just have had a hard time convincing myself that the reason he's felt more distant is because he's going through those times, not that he's pulling away and is going to leave me. I was extra-triggered the other day and actually ended up in tears after we went to bed. He noticed something was up and asked, and was reassuring that he wasn't going anywhere and said he understood that the smallest thing can be a trigger, but my anxiety then just drove me to think "Great, now he likely thinks I'm even crazier and is going to run as fast as he can!" even though NOTHING he has sad or done when I have a trigger should have led me to think that. Similarly, although he has never belittled my past, I can't help but feel like it is a silly reason to get so upset when I know some of the trauma he has been through.

Sorry for the long post. I just don't want to lose someone who I mesh SO well with all because he is the first real relationship I've had since the infidelity, and I can't seem to overcome some of my anxiety or even begin to think about how to process some of it. He and I have similar life goals. We both don't want marriage or children, we both want to travel and love to cook, we both value communication and kindness and all of the other same things. He's just so incredible, and my mind is getting so much in the way. Any and all advice would be GREATLY appreciated.

6 comments posted: Wednesday, April 1st, 2020