The never ending road of reconciliation, until it becomes a question of if?

It's been a while since I've posted. Quick recap, fwh had an affair after I had given birth and was super postpartum depressed. I ended up becoming a madhatter after our "brilliant" marriage counselor came up with the idea to referee it and counsel us through it as I "needed" to reclaim myself and he needed to have "forced empathy". It worked? But at a high cost. I lost my morals and he lost his confidence but we did cling to eachother and rebuild in the brokenness. And I lost trust for that therapist and stayed away from therapy in general for a bit. Since then I've continued solo and sometimes bring him in but he's never continued any type on his own.
This was all 5 years ago. Now we had an additional child and I'm pregnant again and I just feel blah/trapped. I resent him for not getting vasectomy (bc has failed on me for 2 pregnancies) even though he swore to and says he still is. Additionally I resent him for not going to therapy on his own. He has no other outlet. He has no friends to speak of, he doesn't socialize, he says he just needs me and the kids. I on the other hand love people, I want to go out, have girls nights, game nights but he really guilts me on why I need more when he only needs me so I rarely do. I instead do safe playdates usually at my home with other moms so he is happy and at least I am socializing somewhat. He says he feels like he is forever waiting for me to just leave him which is unfair to put on me. I believe he has unresolved and underlying resentments against me that he doesn't even acknowledge and his home behavior is now affected. He is mean sometimes and when I immediately call him on it it just turns into the same fight/passive aggressive response and I'm just so tired of it that I feel indifferent to him and the marriage. I have recommitted to him and he I, but I spend time wondering what life would look like as a single mother of 4. I really dont like it. I find myself more and more just lying in bed when he's around. When he leaves the house with the kids, I'm so productive! I deep cleaned the bathroom today, giant belly and all!
Now, Thursday night he told my daughter that he was going to kill mommy for the mess she made. Mind you, said daughter made the mess and she ran and told me. I immediately confronted him and he held to his anger and I said in what world do you think saying you'll kill me to a child is ok? It's not, it's stupid even as a joke and I don't want to even hear your voice again until you fix it. In my head, this meant he should apologize. So he never did and I haven't spoken to him yet. It's now Sunday night which is where my current level of "is this really how I want to spend every few months of my life" thoughts come in. I dont know how to break the cycle and talk because I'm frankly just tired of it and he doesn't address it. He sometimes tries to ask simple questions like what are we doing today and I just stare at him. I feel we've been through this enough that he knows I need conflict to be addressed and not swept under a carpet and I dont quite know what to do. No one said reconciliation was easy but is there a time when you just want to give up? I know this seems petty but it's just the same problems over and over again and despite talking it out, and talking it through in therapy it's not getting different results from him. So I'm trying to hold my ground this time to see if that "forced empathy" will somehow be what gets through, but it's killing me. I dobt even know what give up would do in the end. It wouldn't be divorce, it would be just this coparenting lifestyle with no emotion but more good times than bad, suffering through the bad.

5 comments posted: Monday, August 21st, 2023

Backslide... warning too much information

Been awhile since I posted.

I'm a madhatter in reconciliation since 2019. My spouse had a 6 month long affair with his coworker right after I gave birth to my 2nd and I was experiencing postpartum. I had a revenge affair to " show him" he couldn't just get away with it and to show myself I could leave him. He became extremely remorseful and we stayed together and worked on it each since.

A couple weeks ago my affair partner messaged me out of the blue and I answered. I knew his intention was to see if I would sleep with him again but for those few minutes I felt flattered that after years I was even passingly on his mind and I entertained I for a moment. I felt guilty almost instantly but at the same time felt good if that makes sense. Almost instantly my husband started questioning me on whether I was talking to him (which is insane because I don't think I even had a moment to behave any differently.) I answered his questions honestly and held nothing back - and felt angry while doing so. It wasn't easy but I put on my big girl pants and did it. Why couldn't he have done this? For so many questions back then his answers were "I don't remember. Really that's not how my brain works." And that was it I had to accept it because it was all he was capable of. Even our counselor repeatedly agreed it was all he could do. As an aside, I am now positive he has some type of monitoring on my phone unbeknownst to me even though he swears he doesn't. I may be wrong but I don't believe in coincidence.

Now to last night, we had sex. Sex is great, until it's not. He doesn't come inside me. I've literally asked him for a vasectomy for years because I needed to get off birth control and he refuses. Finally after my last baby was born last year I said no more sex until he got a vasectomy. He just seduced me and stopped coming inside me. It feels,distant and incomplete- a lot of cleanup and separation instead of cuddling but I guess I just got used to it until recently when I was triggered. He pulls out to come on me and it just feels so dirty, incomplete and impersonal now- like this is what you do with an affair partner not your wife. He's really just ok never coming inside again, really? I thought sex was all about losing yourself and if he's always in control enough to remember to pull out then is he not emotionally involved? I mentioned this to him and he says it's not like that, it's not an affair partner thing to come on someone, he used to come inside her (as if that was to dispute my point.) Well that was interesting and terrible. He never "remembered " or said that before. He then said it was OK because she told him he could and that she couldn't get pregnant. Wow what lovely detail you can recall years later that you couldn't back then. It doesn't change where we are now but I just feel off and disgruntled today, bothered. I dont believe him when he says how much he loves me, and I turn him on and how everything with me is soo much better blah blah blah. I'm sure it is to some minor degree but I believe any body would do for him.

48 comments posted: Wednesday, November 3rd, 2021