Question: 4+ Years In

It has been a while since I last posted here. I appreciate that this site still exists and that many of the same souls are still helping so many.

A few weeks ago, my wife (W) and me (B) were going out to eat at a local restaurant. It's a popular spot, and we arrived during a busy time, so my wife jumped out of the car to get on the seating list and check the wait time. A few seconds after she entered the restaurant, her AP scuttled out of the restaurant. I called my wife and told her that someone was at the restaurant and that we should go somewhere else. In between, AP's date came out of the restaurant and got into his vehicle. When my wife got back into the car, she was able to see them drive off.

It was the first time in four years that we had encountered the AP. My wife said, "I'm sorry" and tried to smother me, but in moments like this, I don't want to be touched or make a big deal, especially as we had our kids in the car. After that, she has said nothing about the encounter. Nothing.

Here's my question: Is it normal for the WW to say nothing about this? My IC says it's not normal. I waited two weeks for her to initiate conversation. To check in with me. Anything. After two weeks, I brought it up. And she still didn't talk about it. She actually got a bit defensive, as though I was making a big deal about communication problems because we hadn't talked about this "ONE day."

I brought it up a second time. This time she was more empathetic but still didn't say anything. She listened, but she didn't offer anything of her own, and didn't talk to the point of the encounter.

My fear is that after years of counseling, both IC and MC, the soil hasn't fundamentally changed. The avoidant character trait is still too ingrained for her to do what is needed.

22 comments posted: Saturday, May 20th, 2023