Struggling. 4 years later, why don’t I love myself enough

I’m a mess. I feel like a loser, not worthy. Thrown away. I am struggling with legally ending this although it’s already over.
I’m sorry - I’ve not been on here in quite some time. I’m not sure how to locate my old posts for the history of my story….cliff notes …… ~4 years ago my husband of 25 years told me he was not happy/had one foot out the door…a week later, I find out he’s met someone/is having an affair. The trauma of the discard, the pain, the lies, the gaslighting —has lasted way too long. To this day he continues with AP. We are not divorced, no longer live together , my daughter is primarily with me- stays with her dad every other weekend.
I’ve begged him to file- Why cant I move forward with this? I’m a shell of who I used to be. I don’t know who I am. He says we are both to blame for the breakdown of the marriage, which is such a mindf#@k. He has no concern over how this has affected me nor our daughter. he has moved on , yet not taken care to finalize. I sound pathetic> i wish i had listened to the early advice to file and get this over with. I’m standing in my own way of moving on- why?
I live in Fl which is a no fault state—as he so callously reminds me . I take home more than him- he says he will not go after my paycheck. My lawyer says alimony is a long shot and once legally decided upon-can not be changed. Lawyer also is hesitant with what I’m looking at for anticipated child support…lawyer sent STBXH a letter /introduction/ representation and request for financial disclosure…last year….STBXH never responded to letter! ( sadly- It took so much just to pull that trigger as I soaked in a haze of self inflicted hopium).
I feel so insignificant.
There is no recourse on the trauma and fallout.
Thanks for letting me vent.

10 comments posted: Saturday, August 5th, 2023