The drama triangle

I'm sorry. I guess I compromised my anonymity a little too much with that one.

1 comment posted: Wednesday, March 30th, 2022

Initiating Sex with an autoimmune disorder?

So, in the last 3 years of recovery/reconciliation...I have been the primary partner when it comes to initiating sex. Mostly, it has worked well for us. I say mostly because recently I have been a bit too self conscious to be the one initiating. I have an autoimmune bowel disorder that can prove itself quite embarrassing at times.

I still initiate, but recently with some hesitation. It can be difficult to ask for something when you know on a medical level that your body might respond in a somewhat embarrassing way. My H has sensed some of the hesitation, knows about the medical issue, and still sometimes finds himself feeling rejected even though he fully understands the medical reasoning behind my hesitation.

Secondary to food, stress is the next highest rated contributing factor. How do I calm both my mind, and his nerves during these times? We talk often, I know he understands on a logical level, but I worry about the effects on his self-esteem after the trauma I put him through.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

4 comments posted: Monday, September 20th, 2021

Stream of consciousness

A while back we had a thread that was a bit like a stream of consciousness where waywards could post, and respond to each other. We talked of things such as our biggest regrets, etc.

Can we revive that a bit?

I remember one of my biggest regrets being the realization that I hurt so many people with my selfish actions. I was too self centered to recognize the path of destruction I was leaving in my wake.

3 years out that hasn't changed, but I've come to realize I've spent the last 3 years convincing myself that accepting the behaviors that lead to my original resentments was the only way my remorse would be fully believed.

Tonight I broke down. I cried, I explained my feelings of being used, feeling like nothing more than a vessel, and in a way that he was actually able to understand.

I was able to articulate exactly how I've known whether his porn addiction was under control, or not, for the last 11 years. I was able to explain how that hasn't changed since he became a BS, and relate the feelings of inadequacy in a way he could understand.

It was scary to be vulnerable, but even scarier to find it in myself to speak up that this is not what a marriage should be. I've felt for the last 3 years that I haven't had a right to express some of those hurts. I guess I've felt like I deserved the punishment of "not being enough."

Porn addiction is a very real thing. It can be detrimental to connection, relationships, and it's not just that the non porn-addicted spouse is insecure/controlling.

Tonight I found it in myself to fully believe I am a person worthy of being loved, and I found the voice to express my hurt. I admitted the pain I've felt for the last 10 years, and I explained in detail how I know when he's off the wagon (in explicit detail with the differences of his actions and abilities during intimacy). Tonight, for the first time in ten years, I think he actually heard me.

I've worked on my whys, my hows, and becoming safe incessantly for the last 3 years. I was given the gift of R, and I was determined to fix myself. My goal has always been to become the woman I could be confident in when I looked in the mirror. I don't know if it makes sense because he has felt I was R worthy (that we were in R) for well over a year, but tonight...tonight felt (to me) like the biggest step we've taken together towards a true,successful reconciliation. So raw, and just so very real.

Did any of you have a "ah ha" moment, or something similar where your healing process just seemed to click?

1 comment posted: Saturday, May 29th, 2021