No where else to turn
148 comments posted: Tuesday, June 1st, 2021
Self control
Seriously. How do you stop word vomit? The moments where you are just going off in pain? He eventually stops responding and I still find myself going off. It’s not him. It’s me.
This started as a conversation about trying to start 50/50 custody as his frequent presence is just too much. It hurts and is hindering my ability to move on and heal. I am feeling used. I am feeling punished. I am feeling like I have been unreasonably flexible in always saying yes to him coming over to see the kids. I want a set schedule and as close to 50/50 responsibilities as possible. It wasn’t a great conversation, but to me it wasn’t a full blown fight.
Then I lost it. I went off. Completely. About my actual feelings during the affair. During our marriage. Trying to explain what I felt during that time. Getting madder and madder. It’s like I know I don’t deserve R. And my brain knows that. My heart is broken and shattered and is demanding to know why nothing I did was enough. (And I don’t need an answer. I know that’s an irrational thought.) I am really struggling to let go and move on and I need to. For him and for me. I kept sleeping with him. Without feelings. Like it was comforting to me. It helped me to know it was a mild respite to him. He ended that finally. And now I’m in the fucking downward spiral and don’t know how to break it.
I have days where I am strong enough to be NC with him. Then this shit starts and I have no fucking self control. It’s not ok. I need to get control of my life and emotions.
57 comments posted: Friday, April 23rd, 2021
Music
Pain demands to be felt. What are your go-to songs for acceptance, goodbye, whatever it may be?
This one is getting me today. Actually, the whole album is pretty brutal. Seems pretty on point for both WSs and BSs.
The Brilliant Dance by Dashboard Confessional
So this is odd,
The painful realization
That all has gone wrong
And nobody cares at all,
And nobody cares at all.
So you buried all your lover's clothes
And burned the letters lover wrote,
But it doesn't make it any better.
Does it make it any better?
And the plaster dented from your fist
In the hall where you had your first kiss
Reminds you that the memories will fade.
So this is strange,
Our sidestepping has come to be
A brilliant dance
Where nobody leads at all,
Where nobody leads at all.
And the picture frames are facing down
And the ringing from this empty sound
Is deafening and keeping you from sleep.
And breathing is a foreign task
And thinking's just too much to ask
And you're measuring your minutes by a clock that's blinking eights.
Well, this is incredible.
Starving, insatiable,
Yes, this is love for the first time.
And you'd like to think that you were invincible.
Yeah, well weren't we all once
Before we felt loss for the first time?
Well this is the last time.
But it’s ok to feel this. It’s ok to grieve.
[This message edited by Iamtrash at 12:10 PM, April 24th (Saturday)]
25 comments posted: Tuesday, April 20th, 2021
Vent. Nothing more.
I’m not looking for sympathy. No pats on the back. No kind words. I don’t need 2x4s about consequences. I am well aware this is my own doing. I don’t need any explanations. I just need to vent. (And to those of you that did the things I am about to vent about, I mean no harm to any of you.) I just wish I could understand why some people can forgive so much more and others can forgive so much less.
I hate this. Completely hate this. And I need to stay out of this forum. It is so triggering. I didn’t make my BH wait while I decided if I wanted to be with him or AP. I didn’t continue to cheat. I come here and read about people that literally get caught and leave with AP. I ready about people that have affairs over and over again. I read about people that truly don’t care if their BS is hurt and destroyed. I see BS that are desperate to R with a WS that isn’t interested. I did so much wrong during the affair and after dday. Things that ruined hope of R. But then I come here and see that what I did wrong isn’t all that uncommon. (No minimization intended. It’s wrong, I don’t care if you do one thing wrong after dday or everything wrong.) Why wasn’t I able to earn R? I have spent such a long time being honest, and the lies have still come back to haunt me. (I also failed complete at being able to manage trauma and know how to respond to it.) Even years after I stopped talking to AP, he still had the power to ruin my life, hurt my children, completely destroy whatever was left of my BH. I gave him that power. Whatever I thought I “gained” by cheating was not worth the cost. I have a broken STBX, a broken family, a broken heart. My life is a joke. A joke I caused. (Again, I DON’T WANT SYMPATHY.)
It took me cheating to truly fall for my STBX. That’s fucking sick. And now it’s for nothing. He will move on. Once he does, I don’t want to be his friend. I don’t want to see him. He lost whatever was left of his heart when he saw shit from a relationship that was over for nearly 2 years. But I’m supposed to watch him move on and be ok seeing that for the rest of my life? Nope. I know I’m not that strong. Strong people don’t cheat. Strong people don’t do the things I did. I fucking hate this. I hate that I couldn’t be strong enough to fix this. I hate watching the kids suffer. I hate that there’s no normalcy and I have no clue when healing even begins. I hate that I’m fluctuating between sorrow, and remorse, and heartbreak, and anger. I need to be stable for the kids. But really, I want to run away and never look back. (Won’t do that.) I am sock to death when I watch the kids cry and suffer because of this. There is no win for them, no matter what the outcome of the M was.
If you’re thinking about cheating. Just don’t. If you did cheat and want R, just follow the damn books. Trying to fix this was a giant waste. Instead of being 2 years out from healing, it’s all fresh. Again.
23 comments posted: Saturday, April 17th, 2021
Managing tough questions
How did you help your kids through this?
My oldest has moments where he’s asking to sleep in my bed. (He never has before.) He will only ask me the tough questions. From what I understand, he has had tears a few times with BH but usually won’t talk about the hard stuff. BH encourages him and tries, but our son is adamant that I’m the person he asks questions to.
This morning, he is in bed with me. He says, “Mom, I’m going to miss dad when he moves out.” I tell him that even in separate homes, he will always have his dad. He will always be able to talk to and see his dad. “I love dad.” I know you do, and he loves you. Then he asks, “Do you love dad?” I froze. I told him you love dad and that’s what’s important. “But do YOU love dad?” I tried to avoid the question. But he wanted an answer. I told him that he loves dad and that’s what’s important. And that I wanted dad to feel better. Thankfully, he accepted that answer.
I hate these questions but I know he needs answers. I wish he would ask BH these things too.
What are some tips for helping them? He has high functioning autism, so his views are very one sided. But he’s very smart.
14 comments posted: Saturday, April 3rd, 2021
The truth about “healing”
The truth about “Healing”
Now that it’s safe, I’m going to tell you the truth about Hallmack’s healing. I know there’s some Reddit hoppers that would love to continue to carry on about “how I was never R material and they just always knew” or say my posts are a lie. Reality is that I have been honest, open, and transparent for quite some time. And when I came here with posts shining about the progress we were making, it’s because that’s what I was made to believe. I didn’t just think I was doing the right shit. We weren’t fighting. We were working through issues and having hard conversations peacefully. I thought we could make it because that’s what it seemed was happening. We were functioning as a family. He was being present which I appreciated and loved.
Reality is, Hallmack has done little to nothing to help himself. He went to IC for a bit because he was forced to. He quit as soon as he could. He self medicates with weed and spends his days pain shopping. He tried EDMR a bit and decided it wasn’t for him. Never sought out further PTSD support. He has been a ticking bomb and while some of you will say I deserve whatever he had to dish out, I didn’t. Nor did our children. He has snapped on more than one occasion, but I certainly don’t see any ownership of that. Some people in here were encouraging and egging on his anger with 0 consideration for the safety of our family. Be angry, he has every right to be angry. He did not have the right to threaten my life and put his hands on me. (Fake DV charges, that’s a joke. And now it’s my fault that he couldn’t keep his hands to himself.) You can say I should have left. Yep. I could have. But he had our kids and was acting completely abnormal. He wouldn’t let me take them to my late grandmother’s house and take time to cool off. Do I think he would have hurt them? No. But I also didn’t think he would hurt me in a million years. No one is going to leave their kids alone with someone acting the way he was. Truth is, we were fighting all day. And yeah, I was still badly in the fog. But I came home. I left him alone. Went into my son’s room. Didn’t say a word to him. He came into my son’s room. Started asking vulgar affair questions and making vulgar affair statements to our autistic son. When I wouldn’t leave, he put his hands on me. When I tried to call his mom for help to get him to calm down, he held me down on the bed while our son was screaming “don’t kill my mom.” I bit him as he had me pinned down to the bed. He was so mad he “doesn’t remember” a lot of that night. But I’ll never forget it. Even as I left, he opened up our baby’s piss diaper and rubbed it in my face. Anyone who says I deserved that, you’re part of the problem.
I did nothing right at the start of this and I own it 100%. I also own that it took me a long time to finally do what was right and helpful for him. He did eventually get everything he wanted and more. He got my full honesty. It just didn’t matter because he had created his own narrative. (That’s my fault. I own that fully.) Including things that people here were adamant happened but didn’t actually happen. To say I wasn’t trying is a complete joke. It may not have been enough compared to the damage, but I have been trying hard for a long time. Reality is, he has become a monster. And while this might be par for PTSD, it’s not deserved. I’ve walked on eggshells for a long time, trying not to anger him. But nothing I do is right. I do exactly what he says, I’m wrong. I change what I do because he said what I did is wrong, he’s mad again. He’s telling me what he needs from me and then when I do it, he says he changed his mind and I fucked up again. He won’t tell you how many times he spent hours screaming at me. Getting in my face and screaming “whore” at the top of his lungs. Losing his shit and breaking things. Whenever he gets loud, even if it’s just him being funny, our 3 year old sits by me and says to him, “Don’t yell at my mom.” Our autistic son still brings up the fact that he found some of his toys broken downstairs as a result of a fit. He will act and react in terrible ways. Tell me it’s my fault and I deserve it. Then apologize hours later. Bet he didn’t mention any of that.
I thought we were doing ok. Then he was cold for a solid 2 weeks. So yeah, I did finally pressure him to make a choice. He reached out to my AP again and found more pain. (My AP is a sick fuck. He wants to hurt people. He was never going to be like, “Hey, man. I’m sorry.”) You can say I’m lying, but I’m not. Whatever my AP sent was a complete surprise to me. I don’t remember it. Not even a little. I have replayed the affair over and over and I can’t even remember when this could have happened. And that’s scary to me. Because what else don’t I remember. After that he chose divorce. Yep, I had a very dark few days. I was text bombing him. I wanted to die. He let me think I was doing things right only to tear it away. When I told him I had appreciated his presence with our family, he told me, “It was nothing more than the pick-me dance. I hated every moment.” He went off on me about how he gave up his “career” (You know, the job he hated that had no retirement, time off, or benefits. The career that forced him back to work the day after I came home with our son, forcing a PPD riddled, first time mom to fend for herself all day long worth no help or support.) He referred to our son as “YOUR baby that YOU wanted.” Mind you, our son can hear and isn’t stupid. Yes. I have had several days of texting him nonstop. Reason, I told him I wouldn’t quit and is fight to the end. Accepting this, to me, is quitting again. And even though he’s not the same person, I feel I owe it to show I don’t want this. Even as he’s telling me his goal is to move out and immediately find someone to fuck (his words), I’m still trying to fight for our family. He had access to literally everything on my phone, including my account here. He still thinks that I am talking to my AP and just hiding it. I will never know what my AP said to him in their last correspondence and I don’t particularly care. But I have not spoken to that animal in close to two years. At this point I really don’t care if he believes me.
He is trapped here. At the start, he calmly said if his presence was hindering my healing, he’d go to his mom’s Once he realized that his credit is garbage, living alone is expensive, and people don’t want to rent to someone with a record, he tune changed to “I’ll leave when I am ready to” and “You’re not going to tell me what to do anymore.” Mind you, this is my inherited home. Not marital property. I can’t speak in my own home. I have to hide in my own home. I have to do therapy in my car because he isn’t safe to be around. I am in a constant state of panic in my own home. His inability to care for himself has become my problem. I busted my ass for the job I have and where I am today. Me. Myself. I worked and paid for it. I made choices that allowed me to have independence. But now it’s somehow my fault that he needs a co-signer. It’s my fault that he works jobs that don’t take care of him. He’s not trapped here because of me. (And take the misdemeanor charge out of it. I won’t own your poor financial choices from before I knew you.)
Last night was the icing on the cake. He’s still sleeping with me. And I’m stupid enough to let him. We got high together. (If you can’t beat them, join them.) He’s made it clear that it’s just sex. No feelings involved. And sure, why not let myself be used and hurt. Last night he gave me a complete mind fuck. Wanted me to beg him for sex. I played along. He was saying he wanted to feel desired. We were outside, higher than a kite. I kept begging him for sex because I did want him to feel desired sexually. He kept laughing and saying no. Telling me he hadn’t made up his mind. I finally broke down. Was this genuinely him wanting to feel desired? Was it a test? What did he want. I started to cry and he goes “Yeah. We’re not having sex. You’re upset.” I lost it. I wasn’t doing anything except feeding into his sick game. I went inside and sobbed alone in my bed. What did I do wrong now? He was punishing me for him messing with me. After awhile he came in and apologized. Told me that he knew he had become a monster and this is why we needed to divorce. Because he wasn’t capable of being decent anymore. Things got calm and stupid me still had sex with him. While he was having sex with me, he’s telling me how “He needs to fuck someone else.” (His new favorite game is to ask me about when he leaves, how fast will I drive over to have sex with him.) He’s telling me I’m still going to come over and do him even after he fucks other women. He’s telling me I’m going to be his ex wife that still sucks his dick. Mind you, this is while he’s having sex with me.
I left him alone all day. He messaged me a few times because he wanted me to go get him weed. (It’s legally obtained.) Was making it dramatic because I told him I’d go when he got home, he needed to give me cash. (I don’t feel comfortable touching anything of his. Over the last few weeks, he is misplacing his things, accusing me of hiding them, then finding them on his own. In places HE put them.) That was it. Didn’t bother him further. As my work day ended, I felt a panic attack start. I have been adamant that there’s no rush to be out as long as he can be civil. But the night before had my mind completely messed up. I finally texted him. I was dreading coming home. I wanted to discuss needing to stop being cruel. That conversation was a complete bust. Of course, I was “bothering” him again when he needs me to stop. He was completely irrational while claiming he was calm. I was referred to as “his thing to use”. Told I deserved to be abused. When I tried to address his cruel game from the previous night, he told me “I only apologized because I still wanted sex lol.” (Oddly enough, that’s the kind of shit my AP would do when he was mad at me. Make a comment that was rude and follow it up with lol. Hallmack didn’t know that, but he is literally doing things my AP did.) Told me “you’ll be sucking my cock again real soon.” “I’m tired of pretending like I don’t hate you.” I was terrified for him to come home. Thankfully my MIL was getting our older sons. She was there. I chose to leave with the baby to give him space. Idk if he would have allowed me to leave or let me take the baby if she hadn’t been there. A few hours later, he texts me a very calm text. Telling me he won’t bother me, he’s sorry I don’t feel comfy in my home, that he’s trying to get out, that I need to be patient and text less because he can’t take it.
He thinks I hated him. That I always hated him. I didn’t. Not even during the affair. I am a fucked up person that looked for emotional gratification in fucked up ways. It was wrong and he didn’t deserve to be cheated on. But now. Now I do hate him. He is a sick person. “Your monster” is what he refers to himself as. I will own what I did and the damage I did. I will not own his refusal to heal and get help. I hate him for going above and beyond to try and harm me. I hate him for the emotional games he is playing. I hate him for not doing this right after d-day.
He thinks I never loved him. I loved him the best way I knew how. Looking back, it wasn’t healthy love. He married me, knowing I wanted kids and he didn’t. I won’t lie. He did try to make me happy. There was no making someone like me happy and nor was it his responsibility. Yeah, he gave me the children I wanted. And he spent years resenting me for it. (I didn’t want cruises and diamonds and vacations. I wanted a family with two parents that wanted them more than anything.) He was never a bad dad. He does love them and care for them. I just wish it could have been done without the resentment. Without reminding me “this is what YOU wanted” when things got tough. I never knew I had PPD. He didn’t call me out about it until after d-day. He admitted that he purposely didn’t help with our 2nd child (terrible sleeper) because he wanted to show me that I got what I demanded. So you knew I was mentally deteriorating and just let me suffer? When I look back to when the affair started, I can pinpoint two traumatic events. First, I found out the grandma that raised me was diagnosed with terminal cancer. I was also fresh out of having a baby and dealing with PPD I didn’t recognize I had. (Our HB baby I knew I had PPD and I immediately got on meds. It made a difference. Even as my life was falling apart and my grandma was actively dying.) These aren’t excuses. But it makes sense as to why I completely snapped. He claims he loved me and I meant everything him and that’s why this betrayal is the worst. Because I was his forever and would never hurt him like that. I believe him, I just wish he had told me these things. I never believed he loved me but I sure as hell believed he resented me. Yes, he did a lot of things right. I will give him credit for that.
I should have done the right thing and divorced him years ago. I should have divorced him when he resented me for wanting kids. I should have divorced him when he fought me tooth and nail about wanting to get our son evaluated for autism because I was just “too sensitive.” I should have divorced him when I realized we could never be good to one another. I wasn’t a good wife. I own that. There was no making me happy. I lashed out towards him. (I smacked him in the back of the head once and on another occasion knocked hot food out of his hands during a fight. I’m abusive too.) I should have divorced him instead of cheating. I chose to hurt him completely and nothing I say changes that. Nothing he did or didn’t do deserved the extent of betrayal I put him through.
I own that I have been a garbage wife. I own that we have been terrible to one another even before this. I have seen myself as the monster. And I did commit to change. Maybe it was too little too late. Maybe the damage was too severe. But I did try. And I tried out of love. I did recognize my idea of love wasn’t normal or healthy over the years and I wanted to show him I was capable of loving and appreciating him the way he is. I have. Truly. When he was fighting to stay in control, I thanked him. I thanked him for calmly having tough conversations. I thanked him for being here and trying. To say I didn’t put any effort in is wrong. I own that I started doing everything wrong after d-day. It didn’t stay that way. For the first time in my life with him I loved and appreciated him for who he is. Even completely broken and angry I still wanted him and wanted to fight to be with him. Sad part, I likely would have put up with this for the rest of my life because I felt I owe it to him. Because I have convinced myself that I deserve to be tormented and emotionally abused as a result of what I did to abuse him.
There is nothing left to save and there’s no way for me to help him anymore. He is going to have to figure it out and I hope he does. The children need a healthy father and I know if he cannot get it together any relationship he has moving forward is also going to be hindered by this pain. To those of you, both BS and WS alike, that have offered genuine support and kind words since D-day, thank you. Even if you didn’t always get a response your words did not go unnoticed or unheard. To those of you that have done nothing more than hop between here and Reddit, sent messages encouraging violence and hate, told him that I deserved everything he’s done, and convinced him of narratives that never happened, shame on you. Again, I know there are WS and BS that contributed. This man was laying on the floor with shattered legs and instead of offering to help him up you stood on his legs while claiming you cared about his well-being. Caring about his well-being would have been encouraging him to get help. It would have been encouraging him to not react in violent ways. Instead he got flooded with a bunch of people telling him “I told you so”and “she was never worthy of reconciliation.” Not sure how you thought that would help him. You have your own personal agenda of pain as a result of betrayal. What you did not take into consideration is that while you wanted me to suffer you ended up hurting three innocent children by encouraging the things that you encouraged. I’m sure what I say has no meaning to the ones that participated in this because you are clearly people that thrive off of the drama and suffering of others. Hurt people hurt people. He got his revenge on me at the expense of our children watching us suffer.
I am not a victim to my decision to cheat. My husband is the victim to that. But to say that I deserve to suffer the rest of my life is wrong. To say that I am incapable of change is wrong. I tried and I failed to save my marriage. Now it’s time to heal from this completely. There are several people that know the full extent of what I did. Literally everything. Those people have still chosen to support my healing as a human being. They still support his healing. I worry for my husband. I worry because I know he doesn’t have the support that I have. I tried to be that support but I know it meant nothing coming from me. I hope with everything in me that he’s right. That being away from me will be the solution to all of his pain and triggers. And if he’s wrong I hope he gets help. He doesn’t deserve to suffer either.
And to those that will, without a doubt, run to him and message him and continuously tell him that you were right about me and I deserved all this and more, and you just “care about his well being”. I hope you know you are only hurting him now. That’s the beauty of accepting divorce. Again, if you actually care and want his suffering to stop, you’ll let it go. Being “right” does nothing to benefit you but it does everything to hurt him.
I tried. I failed. Time to heal.
Edited to add: He’s not a wife beater. He’s never given me a black eye or a busted lip. And until this, he was never violent. But to say he didn’t touch me isn’t true.
[This message edited by Iamtrash at 8:50 AM, April 2nd (Friday)]
38 comments posted: Friday, April 2nd, 2021
How
How do you survive this?
And no comments about not cheating to begin with. That’s a given and not helpful advice.
12 comments posted: Thursday, April 1st, 2021
Working towards peace
So
Disclaimer: if you have ANYTHING negative to say about my BH, please do not respond. If you are one of the flame fuelers (I know there are a few, both BS and WS.) please refrain from going back and forth and telling him about this. If you truly care about his well being, let him keep working towards indifference. There have been so many times I truly came here for help and it was tainted by some pretty terrible responses. There are great people here, there are also very damaged people that shouldn’t be giving advice, myself included. I’m not going to call anyone out, but be mindful that my BH has been to Hell and back and he’s only human. And while there’s two sides to every story, I will refrain from giving any opinion about my BH or his healing. He is hurting. End of story.
When I started here, I was the furthest thing from being ready to fix this. I lied, minimized. I did not follow the books or advice. I was trapped in fear and self-preservation. There were things that happened that shouldn’t have. (Not going to discuss or re-hash as this forum already had too many opinions. What’s done is done and opinions are irrelevant.) The “timeline” was not even half assed done. After some pretty bad stuff, I broke NC with my APs mother. I was so angry, hurting, unable to accept my fault in all of this and I was desperate to tear someone apart and bring them down with me. After all, it was HER fault for raising a POS. She also played a role in the affair. Why blame myself? I did quickly block her, but it was still broken NC. (And shot myself on the foot. For one, I now question if I was ever talking to her and if it was my AP the whole time. Second, I know my AP has convinced my BH I have still kept communication with him. I haven’t, but I have no credibility. Did it to myself.)
From that point on, everything moved so fast. We ended up with a HB pregnancy, my grandma (and biggest supporter) was dying of cancer, COVID, birth of baby, inherited and moved into grandma’s house. When we moved, I thought it was a fresh start. BH was still all over and while it wasn’t perfect, I did try to become someone he could trust. He had access to everything on my phone, I made it a point to be home often, I communicated where I was and who I was with. He did finally get a timeline. A full timeline with every detail I could remember. (At this point it was a year out.) We we’re doing things as a family. The PTSD outbursts were still intense when they happened, but when things were good, they seemed great. We were having sex daily. He was telling me he didn’t want to get divorced. That there was a chance. That I could work to better this. He was being present. This is what I always wanted for us. I found myself being willing to talk more and more but I started getting told he didn’t want to talk about it all the time. I found myself really showing him how I felt during the affair, even though I knew he’d never fully trust me. I expressed that the yelling was too much. It was too scary and hurtful. He stopped. We hadn’t been fighting. I truly thought we could make it.
Then there were 2 weeks of coldness. Sex happened but it was awkward. I finally pressured him to decide what he needed. One day I came home, he had contacted my AP again. I guess my AP sent him a video. I cannot for the life of my remember this happening. (And to the flame fuelers, I already know you don’t believe me and neither does he. It’s irrelevant. I believe he saw a video and I believe it shattered whatever he had left.) I don’t know if he was looking to AP to make his decision or if the decision was already made. It doesn’t matter.
I had a terrible few days. I was heartbroken and shattered. I considered hospitalizing myself because I was so hurt. How could I believe we’d make it? I went off completely. After several days of pure hell and chaos, I let up a bit. That day BH started texting me again. Telling me he’d always have a love for me. That he cared about me for selfish reasons. That I’ll always hold a special place in his heart. I lost it completely. You hate me. You don’t hate me. I’m a monster. I’m not. I went off on him. He ended up triggered and it was a big blow up. We reached a point of calm and I was able to express that I thought we were making progress. That’s how it looked and felt. That I was appreciative of his presence. At that point, he told me being present was nothing more than the pick me dance. That he was there but it wasn’t because it meant something to him. That was my moment of clarity. This was all I ever wanted. And now because of my choice to cheat, it was all fake.
I willingly ruined him and our lives. I lied. I never expected him to trust me. For me, I knew I was being honest and faithful. But the damage was done. I believed I had a chance because I thought I did. I knew my heart was in it for the long haul. But there’s no coming back from this.
I need to pull it together for the kids. I’ve been trying to keep things normal. We are starting to sort things out. I know he’s afraid, but he’s a good dad and will always be present in their lives. I’m trying to make sure he’s comfy enough to be with them and make him aware of what they need when they aren’t expressing it to dad. (Oldest struggles to communicate.) I don’t want these boys to be scared.
Last night I was at the park, the youngest was in a swing for the first time. I was recalling that moment with the other boys. A painful but freeing thought hit me. While it hurts to lose my companion and friend, not much will change. And what does change will be for the better. Instead of once a week therapy, I will have more time to invest in better healing options. Our boys still have 2 parents that love them and will be there for them. The broken family part hurts, but they aren’t losing a mom or dad. They will still have us both. Hopefully healthier versions.
This sucks. I caused it. Time to move forward. I can’t be a monster forever. I can’t hate myself forever.
34 comments posted: Thursday, March 25th, 2021
Give up
This is a vent. So if you can’t be kind, don’t respond. I don’t want sympathy. Nor do I care if anyone believes me.
BH has been off and finally pulled the plug on R. Things seemed like they were slowly going ok. So I couldn’t figure out why. At this point, he knows everything. At least I thought.
BH was adamant that I let my AP finish in my mouth. I never did that. I guess he reached out to AP and AP sent a video of this happening. I remember things. I don’t remember that at all. I have no idea what else AP said to BH.
I don’t know what happened to me. I don’t know what AP did. I don’t know what else happened. I don’t know if there’s more. This isn’t lying. This isn’t some trauma that I blocked out. I literally don’t have any recollection of this happening. And now I am in a panic. What else did he do? How did this happen? (Aside from the obvious.) Did he do something to my kids? (I did have them evaluated and no signs of sexual abuse were found.) Was I drugged? What else am I going to find out? i
So now I am on my way to divorce and found out my AP did shit to me that I had no idea happened. I give up. There’s no coming back from this.
For a long time, I minimized and lied. But not with this.
14 comments posted: Wednesday, March 17th, 2021
Reflecting
Today, I am stuck reflecting on d-day and the immediate aftermath. I did everything wrong. I read but didn’t follow the books. I lied and TT. I was so consumed by protecting my own rear end and deciding what was too painful for him to hear. He went through Hell to get the truth. And now that he has it, I have lied so much, it means nothing. The fact that he is still willing to give me the time of day is a miracle. I know he views himself as weak for not leaving immediately. I think he’s strong. It takes way more strength to try to attempt R with someone that did the things I did and acted the way I did. It takes way more strength to attempt R, knowing you may never reach the point of feeling like you’ve achieved R.
I don’t know if I am just tormenting myself, but looking back at my lying, defensiveness, and straight up refusal to listen to anyone that was trying to help is a hard pill to swallow. My husband didn’t sign up for this. He didn’t deserve this. My children didn’t deserve this. Thinking about my toxic ideas of what love was is disgusting and painful. I never was capable of love.
A bit off topic, but I see lots of posts about shame spirals. I feel like many say they’re a dangerous path to take. But I guess I don’t understand why. Isn’t shame what allows you to make changes? The only reason I ask is because I do become afraid that my reflections could become a shame spiral and I don’t really hear anything positive about shame spirals. I don’t feel like I am engaged in self pity or trapped in shame at the moment. (I know for a fact I do get trapped in shame and sorrow sometimes.) In this moment, it’s just owning what I did wrong in its entirety. Is it harmful to have these moments? I want to own what I feel but I also am so afraid to cause further damage.
11 comments posted: Sunday, February 7th, 2021
Ptsd support
For those of you that have a PTSD diagnosis, what do you need in the middle of a trigger? What are the best ways your significant other (wayward or not) can help and support you when you are triggered? What are some DO NOTs when you feel triggered?
13 comments posted: Thursday, January 28th, 2021
.....
At what point is your affair no longer an excuse for a BS to get out of control with their temper?
Is there ever a point where an argument is no longer fodder to feed affair anger?
59 comments posted: Tuesday, December 29th, 2020
Terribly triggered
Was out with the kids. Husband at work. Received a phone call and didn’t answer. When I checked it, it was a call from where my AP lives. I did a reverse lookup and didn’t recognize the name, but my affair was long distance, so there’s no way it could just be coincidence. I froze in the middle of a store, had to immediately leave. I thought I was going to puke.
Texted my BH. Asked him to call me. Let him know what happened and blocked the unknown number. It was such a terrible feeling. Like I knew full transparency had to happen, but I also didn’t want to trigger him or make him feel upset at work. I hate this. I hate that a call has the power to make me abandon an errand. I hate the through of my BH being upset and triggered by this.
I wish I could undo all my shitty decisions. Living with this sucks.
8 comments posted: Monday, December 21st, 2020
