Maybe today can be a good day, and if today can be a good day, then maybe tomorrow can be too.
We might be broken and imperfect, but we still have worth and value.
As hard as it is to feel pain, it's much harder to feel nothing.
I hate Saturdays
It's my one full day of being completely alone, and I absolutely hate it. I try to spend the majority of the day away from home. I walk around the usual stores, try not to spend too much money. I also try to go for a run that day when my knee is feeling good. However, while I'm trying to keep myself busy, that's when I find myself falling into the slump and shame spiral. I get so envious of the couples and families I see walking around. It's never good. I then go home and just stare at the clock waiting for it to be 7:30 so I can't talk to our daughter.
It doesn't matter if I'm alone or with a friend. This past Saturday I took a class with a friend, and all of the feelings were still there. She and I went to lunch afterwards and to some stores, but I still watched all of the couples and families with a heavy feeling of sadness. A cashier at a store noticed I was down. She asked with that certain tone "are you doing ok today?" I could feel the tears start to come. I told her it was really hot out.
It's always there.
9 comments posted: Monday, June 14th, 2021
Before You Go
I fell by the wayside, like everyone else
I hate you, I hate you, I hate you
But I was just kidding myself
Our every moment, I start to replace
'Cause now that they're gone
All I hear are the words that I needed to say
When you hurt under the surface
Like troubled water running cold
Well, time can heal but this won't
So, before you go
Was there something I could've said
To make your heart beat better?
If only I'd have known you had a storm to weather
So, before you go
Was there something I could've said
To make it all stop hurting?
It kills me how your mind can make you feel so worthless
So, before you go
Was never the right time, whenever you called
Went little, by little, by little until there was nothing at all
Our every moment, I start to replay
But all I can think about is seeing that look on your face
When you hurt under the surface
Like troubled water running cold
Well, time can heal but this won't
[Chorus]
Would we be better off by now
If I'd let my walls come down?
Maybe I guess we'll never know
You know, you know
Before you go
Was there something I could've said
To make your heart beat better?
If only I'd have known you had a storm to weather
So, before you go
Was there something I could've said
To make it all stop hurting?
It kills me how your mind can make you feel so worthless
So, before you go
I hope Lewis Capaldi's song will help relationships. Whether it helps them grow stronger and survive or it helps them realize the relationship needs to end.
People need to talk. Spouses need to talk. Partners need to talk. You never know how someone is truly feeling unless you talk and they open up.
That's what I would tell all new couples and newlyweds.
Just talk to each other.
2 comments posted: Wednesday, January 27th, 2021
Challenging Myself
This first part is an absolute brag because I am damn proud of myself.
This past Saturday I ran in my second 5k. I beat my last time by 1:88! This race had 376 more runners. I placed 5th out of 44 women in my age group, 59th out 386 women overall, and 137th out of 630 runners!! I couldn't believe it. As soon as I finished and saw my time, I texted N because he has started running too. He did a 5k around halloween and placed 1st for his age group! I yelled out to my dad that I beat my time. He was there with my daughter. As she saw me run up to the finish line, she started running on the side. She ran around the gate and screamed with excitement for me. She wants to do that run next year.... we'll start with the 1 mile fun run/walk. It was a great feeling to know that I beat my time and in the cold weather. It was 33°, my toes were numb 🥶🥶
I just signed up for a 4 seasons challenge where if you run these 4 certain races, then all of the medals connect to each other to form one big medal. Three of them will be 5ks and one will be a quarter marathon 😬😬 I have some time for that one to build up my stamina.
Never did I think that I would actually really enjoy running when I started this summer. I can only run on days when I do have her or if my dad is watching her. On the days when I can't, I actually miss running. That's strange to say, but true. I didn't push myself to do the half marathon earlier this month like I wanted to. That kind of bummed me out because I really let my dad's words get into my head. He said I couldn't do it and that it would be too hard. I did train for it because I thought he was probably right. I definitely would have walked a bunch of it, but I also think I would have really pushed myself to run most of it. I may have not been able to move afterwards, but I would have gotten it done.
That will be my running goal for 2021, to run a half marathon.
7 comments posted: Thursday, December 17th, 2020
