Date night and he was a "No Show"
I have been single for over two years now, I'm a 60 y/o professional female, and have been trying OLD for several months...I have been on quite a few dates, but tonight was a first for me. After 'meeting' this fellow online, texting for a few weeks, then talking on phone several times, we made plans to meet this evening at a local restaurant for dinner. It was confirmed via texting today 6 hrs before the scheduled time, and then he doesn't show up! And I haven't heard a peep! No apology, no excuse, just radio silence.
I can usually spot the scammers online, and realize that the entire OLD is kind of a big cesspool, but come on....why agree to meet if there's no intention to follow through? This guys story seemed legit... retired military, two sons in the service, one 23 y/o college graduated daughter living with him to help get her on her feet (but she's paying rent and sharing utility expenses), volunteers with Veterans, similar interests in hobbies, music, etc.
I wondered how you all have handled this? Would you respond at all? Ask if anything happened? Send a scathing text or voice mail asking if he had a massive heart attack or car accident? It just pisses me off that my time was so wasted and disrespected. For me not to acknowledge his "No Show" seems like I'm tucking my tail between my legs and not speaking my outrage at this callous behavior. I did enough of that during my shit show of a marriage!
If you've been stood up, how did you respond, if at all?
13 comments posted: Monday, May 10th, 2021
Just sharing a perspective to consider
I know there is a book forum, but I felt like this is more appropriate for those of us in NB....if not, feel free to move it.
I am reading a fiction book titled "Secrets From A Happy Marriage"....and a passage from it hit the nail on the head for me, even if it IS fiction, (and there is infidelity involved which might be a trigger for some). But my takeaway from it was this...
"The marriage isn't your burden anymore. Sure, you have all this divorce stuff. But the marriage is gone. You could sift through the wreckage, but it won't put it back together now." She felt like she had been staring at a web of knots and tangles that she had been trying to sort out for so long she was strained from the effort of it. But suddenly, she realized she could put it down. If you decide to start over...the only knots left to go through are inside yourself. Because their lives were now separate, and she could begin again from there."
I personally invested too much time trying to untie the tangles of lies and deceit, which in the end, made no difference because the marriage was over. I thought our intimacy mattered because it was something we shared, and I believed that we only wanted to share it with each other. But as I discovered, my WS did not share that level of commitment. But once I put down that web of knots and tangles, my focus shifted- it became myself and my healing. I hope this helps others shift their focus and benefits someone who is experiencing a New Beginning.
1 comment posted: Wednesday, January 20th, 2021
My NB was going great...then along comes a 'trigger'
January will mark 2 years since I asked my ex-husband to move out; I was his 3rd wife, our divorce is final and I am living a happier, healthier single life- I've begun dating, but I'm not committed to any one person, and I am content with myself and my life.
One of my adult step-daughters (from his 1st ex-wife) came to visit me last week (she lives 4 hours away) for the first time since my split from her Dad. This young lady (36 y/o) has sought IC to understand the impact her Dad's poor choices have had in her own life, she's very self-aware, and we talked about her fears that she has 'inherited' his worst traits. We had a wonderful visit and during one of our "staying up late" gab sessions....she told me that my ex-husband/her Dad is currently dating his ex-wife #2.....she is not happy about this as she never had a good relationship with this woman when her Dad was married to her. Her telling me this was in the context of "he'll never change, he's still making poor choices, in fact, he's now dating his ex" and I truthfully assured her that I was just thankful that I had removed myself from my toxic marriage to him and that I am happy and thriving.
I met my ex-husband when he was separated from this woman, his wife #2, and she would contact me to badger me-she called it 'warning me' ...to insist that he still loved her, that he didn't love me, yada yada yada...but then all of her communication ceased when he lost his job and he couldn't cover her health insurance...all of a sudden, she granted him the divorce she had been fighting. We got married 18 months later, and we didn't hear from her again during our marriage.
The fact that he is dating HER just galls me and has been taking up space in my head since my stepdaughter told me this...I have been so focused on my own healing and growth, that I never really gave his life any thought. I guess I'm just surprised to realize that I don't want him to be happy if it's with her. I want to not care that he's dating, or care at all what he does....I thought I was there, but then this news has me pissed!
I KNOW that I am free from the life of Hell that was the last 5 years of my marriage to him. I am in better shape emotionally, physically, financially, and mentally than I ever was when with him, and I now know what deal breakers are how to enforce my boundaries and get MY needs met.
So I guess the point here is that it's really the first 'trigger' for me, I just wanted to purge this from my head by posting it here....There, now it's purged and I'm over it. Thanks for being my sounding board SI, this site has been such a blessing to me
2 comments posted: Monday, November 9th, 2020
Dating Profile Reaction-is this typical?
So my divorce is final, I have taken the time I needed to heal and I decided a few months ago that I was ready to put myself out there in the OLD world. My profile has 2 pictures that are head shots. As a 60 years young female, the entire OLD scene is all a little daunting but I have been on several dates, have had my share of 'ghosting' and have been enjoying the entertainment and endorphin rush when I get contacted by someone that I find interesting and physically attractive and we start getting to know each other.
A week ago, a guy 'liked' me and we started exchanging messages on the site. We moved our communication from the dating site to texting (I'm using a google phone number-not my real number)...and I had sent him 2 pictures of me on vacation. I'm standing in front of 2 businesses (full body shots) and his response today was "I figured you were a large woman because they only post face pics on their profiles. I'm sure you're wonderful and nice but I'm not interested." And he blocked me on the site.
He's right, I'm big, and my profile clearly states "a few extra pounds." I'm beautiful inside and out, I'm confident and I love my curves. It's his loss that he doesn't, and that he is so superficial. I'm glad he was honest (even though the delivery was so tacky and callous) and that he didn't just ghost me.
But I do want to seek some advice from my SI peeps....
*For the men who are using dating websites...is that your opinion/thought process when you see a lady's profile pics but no full body picture included?
*Should I edit the pics on my profile now that I've been provided this 'feedback'? I'm not trying to deceive anybody, but I also don't want to put too much info online and I was very selective in the 2 pictures I included in my profile.... The ones I texted this guy showed locations/friends/family that would need to be cropped for the profile...or new full body pictures would need to be taken solely for this purpose.
Is it really that important? Is this guys response typical or an isolated reaction?
18 comments posted: Wednesday, September 9th, 2020
Has Anyone Read This Book?
Has anyone read the book written by Mr. Amari Soul titled "Reflections Of A Man?" If so, would you recommend it? It is advertised as follows "For the women, it encourages you to recognize the true value of your love, to reevaluate your standards and to make the decision that you will no longer settle for anything less than someone who loves you, respects you, and truly makes you happy." If not this book, what have you read that helped you reset yourself...that helped you learn how to identify and keep from repeating the same patterns/poor choices in a partner when you're ready to date again? I've scoped out The Healing Library page but am also seeking some personal recommendations.
0 comment posted: Thursday, July 9th, 2020
