Surviving parental alienation

Learning these days that there are harder things than adultery and divorce. My divorce is final at last. And in the months since, my ex has taken the position that our parenting schedule does not matter, that our child is the only and final arbiter of the schedule. And my ex lies and lies and lies and lies.

She lies about whether I pay for things. I make child support payments, but she says I owe her other things. She shares these things with our child. She lies about why we got divorced (we got divorced because she had multiple boyfriends and said she was "sorry" while remaining in contact with two of them). She drives wedges. And it's working. Dad is the villain, and can be safely forgotten.

I have seldom in my life felt such pain. And my choices are to accept the reality she's creating, in which I am a father a day or two every six weeks, or to take her back to court. Everyone tells me the court will do little or nothing, because a teenager has a big say.

What flaw exists in the universe that means that these sick people can succeed at these games? There is little to nothing that can stop my ex absolutely ruining my own child's future by excising me from the picture.

Sorry to rant. I'm just really, really feeling it all very deeply tonight. So tired of my life being warped by a sick woman who chose to cheat repeatedly and blames me so severely that she's now taking revenge on me in this way.

16 comments posted: Wednesday, October 26th, 2022

Head spinning from parental alienation

This weekend, I unexpectedly heard a little of what my STBXW is saying to my young teenager. (Keeping this general, in case she's reading -- weirder things have happened!) Just was putting some laundry in the wash, and overheard. Ye gods. In that brief little 30 seconds or so, I found out that the parental alienation that's happening is many times worse than I thought. She said things about me that were breathtaking, malevolent, and just plain false. It was character assassination of the highest order, and this has gone on for ta long time. I knew that beyond doubt, I just didn't know it was this severe.

STBXW is a serial cheater, and a seriously audacious liar. I asked for a divorce and moved out over two years ago. We have a trial date down the road, but are near an agreement now with lawyer help. Long story short, as part of the alienation, my ex has done a fine job of hoodwinking my kid's therapist, too. According to my attorney, the therapist believes me to be some sort of slovenly monster, based largely on what my ex tells her. And the therapist is supposed to be a witness (against me) if we go to trial.

I am already at less than 50/50 custody, and based on the above about the therapist, who knows what would happen if it goes to trial?

But all of this is just to say -- my kid has no idea what my ex did (cheating, the ongoing falsehoods and campaign to undermine me). I feel utterly powerless and exhausted. I have no idea what to do. This alienation thing is the unexpected icing on the cake. Marrying this woman is turning out to be the mistake that will never stop delivering pain and suffering.

What on earth can you do about parental alienation?I feel like I can't take this to court under the circumstances. And every day that passes this gets worse, and the kid's manipulated voice regarding custody gets more weight. I want to do something. But what?!? Has anyone had success trying to counter this stuff? It is a new kind of awful.

10 comments posted: Monday, April 4th, 2022

Can you work on your cheater radar? a short dramatic tale

I'm about two years from D-Day, which was followed by separation and divorce. My XW was a serial cheater, and had hidden a dramatic sexual past. Afterward, I renewed a relationship from far in the past, which was wonderful and helpful, then crashed on the rocks, mostly because of distance. So I'm just getting myself back out there, meeting new people. I find it very strange, and find the idea of going from strangers to intimate partners much more of an undertaking than I did when I was younger.

So anyway -- the early frontrunner in all this seemed pretty great. Easy to get along with, very laid-back. Natural affinity between us. So I had a second date. No fireworks, but she's nice. It was comfortable. Seemed like something could happen. But I was nagged by a memory. This woman was a little bit familiar to me. I was pretty sure she was a friend of a friend, and pretty sure I'd heard some dramatic tales. But I wasn't completely sure. So I wrote my friend, and he wrote me back. Said, "Oh, her? She's a sex addict. Slept with hundreds of people."

Sigh. I'm not saying it's possible to see signs of this. Maybe it isn't. And maybe she's not that person anymore. Who really knows? But even so, I'm just not into that version of a sexual life. I prefer true intimate relationships, and wouldn't feel safe getting into a relationship with someone who sees sex as an end, not as just a part of something deeper.

But are there usual signs of this stuff? Is my radar just so messed-up that I subconsciously find these women? I mean, I was wary. Something felt off, but I can't pinpoint what. I'm not overly stressed about this, but I feel like it's super important to have good enough radar to not quickly fall into another circumstance like what got me divorced. How do you tune into this stuff successfully early on? Can you?

13 comments posted: Wednesday, February 16th, 2022

Now WW's revenge has turned to our divorce!

I've got the best kind of WW. The kind who had serial affairs, then told me it was my fault and went scorched-earth. She has delayed and delayed and delayed the divorce because she believes it's financially to her advantage. It is not, for a few reasons, but since she thinks it is she delays everything everytime.

Trial looms because she will not settle. Two weeks ago I got her interrogatories or whatever they are called. It is very clear that my worst fears are here. We went through the parental alieantion thing. It worked well for her for a long time. Now it's not sticking, and dad is the cool parent for a change. But these questions focus on all kinds of things that are very much about my not being up to the job of parenting. Really invasive questions, fishing for anything. Even trying to find out through the questions if I have a girlfriend sleeping over when I am here solo. I do not. As if that even mattered. I believe that she is about to go for full custody.

Her revenge fantasy, the one where she gets back at me for making her have affairs and then pulling the curtain back on who she really is, is now going to court. Early talks with the attorneys left my attorney amazed at the aggression she saw. It's very bad. And she decided I am out to get her financially. I am not. And she decided as well that the best custody plan is 100/0.

Best of all, I simply do not have the money to pay to go to trial. But I have no choice. We are talking raiding retirement, emptying the coffers. While she says and will say to a court that she paid for everything throughout our marriage and I am a deadbeat who under-earned on purpose. None of this is true, of course. It does not pass any common sense test. And legally, our assets were all shared because we were married a long time.

I don't know that I am asking anything. Just wanting to vent, mostly. I wish I knew what to do to get me through this unwelcome time. I have friends, and maybe even a touch of romance in my life. But it is still incredibly hard. I want this woman out of my life. I want to be a single father in search of a stable new life. Instead I am tangling with her and enduring awful attacks on me as a person and a father. And to endure them, I have to pay many thousands of dollars. Feeling a bit dismayed about all of this.

10 comments posted: Sunday, October 3rd, 2021