Advice on needing closure

Backstory: My Dday was 5 years ago, June 5th - 8th. On June 5th the OW sent me a Facebook friend request. My husband confessed on June 6th and on June 7th and 8th I received several emails from the OW detailing their affair. I was in complete and total shock and learned he lied in his confession. She told me at the time that the things she was telling me were just the tip of the iceberg and if I ever wanted/needed more information I could contact her.
My FWH and I are reconciling and things, for the most part, are going ok. There was a setback a couple months ago and he started IC again to work through those issues.
I don't know if it's the trigger of the dday anniversary or what, but I have an anxious pit in my stomach that I can not get rid of. I feel like I have no closure. He was telling her up to the moment I made him go NC that he was losing the best thing that ever happened to him and that he did not love me. He has always maintained that he was telling her those things to try and keep her from blowing up his world. I also feel like I let her off way to easy. She was saying things to me like "I can't believe he did this to me", "What did I do to deserve this?", and "I'm all alone because I was waiting for him to get a divorce". In return I told her I would pray for peace for her - WHAT WAS I THINKING? I want her to know that being the other woman is not ok and she got exactly what she deserved going after someone who was married.
Anyhow, I'm rambling. My dilemma is that I am doing everything in my power to keep from contacting her again. Asking her for more details and telling her what I really think of her. I know none of this would be helpful. It's been 5 years and I really hate that she takes up space in my head still. I guess I just need some reassurance that contacting her would be a very bad idea. Or advice from anyone else who has felt this need.

18 comments posted: Saturday, June 8th, 2024

How do I help him

We are almost 5 years out from the last DDay. It was messy and very ugly. I have never doubted my choice to reconcile, but it is so much harder than I thought it would be.
I posted a bit ago about struggling with catching him in some lies recently. Yesterday was his first appointment with his IC to work on why he chooses to lie when he gets put in a tough spot. He said it went really well and he told me about things they talked about.
Here's where I need some advice. I have been in a really bad place pretty much since I caught him lying almost a month ago. He is so remorseful and never questions my pain. A few nights ago I couldn't stop crying. I told him that what hurts the most is all the awful things he told her about me (which of course she showed me after he ended their 3 year long affair) and the fact that he was in love with her. He was very quiet and for the first time that I can remember, he didn't move to comfort me. I knew he was crying and then shortly after he was asleep. I was in bed all night weeping. The next day he made a move to kiss me and I backed away. He acted confused and I said I needed that comfort last night. He looked down and said last night he just couldn't. He said he hates himself for what he has done to me and to our family and sometimes it just becomes too much. It broke my heart.
After his appointment yesterday he said he talked with his therapist about it and they are going to work on how he feels about himself. My H doesn't have many friends, really just my brothers, who do not know about our what happened in our marriage, and me. His therapist told him that he can't keep his feelings locked up, as that was a contributing factor to the affair and he needs someone to talk to about his feelings. I am looking for advice on how to help him. I hate the fact that my pain causes him pain. I am very much a "fixer", but I can't fix this. I can't hide my pain to try to make him feel better about himself.

9 comments posted: Thursday, May 9th, 2024

5 years out

I found this site a few months after the last d-day(June 5th, 2019). It was really helpful to me then and I am hoping it can be now again.
It's been 5 years of working really hard to save our marriage. My WH had a 3 year long physical/emotional affair. I had 2 previous d-days were I called him out on what I had found, but he was able to talk his way out of it and I will always wonder "what if" I hadn't been so naive. The last D-day came when the AP contacted me and gave me lots of gory details about their affair. My husband went NC with her and has worked very hard on himself and us. We stopped seeing out MC 2 years ago and thought we were good.
In the past month, I have caught my H in 2 lies. One was about looking at an app he had used to chat with her and the second was lying to me about having been using chewing tobacco. Both instances he was caught red handed with proof and tried deny it. It really brought everything crashing back to me. He immediately called his IC and scheduled an appointment, but that's not happening for another week. He says (and I believe him) that he wants to work through why his first instinct when he is backed into a corner is to lie.
Since this has happened, I have been a mess. I went back and revisited all the proof she sent me, I can't stop envisioning them having sex and all the hurtful things he told her about me keep haunting me.
5 years ago we had children who were 19, 17, and 15. They are all in college or out on their own now and I can't help but think that maybe R wasn't the right thing. Did I work so hard at it because I didn't want to blow up my kids lives? I don't know the answer to that one.
My H is very remorseful, answers all my questions about the affair when I ask, and is very transparent with all his passwords and devices. I don't deep down think he is cheating again, but I guess I don't really believe he never will again.
Is R really possible? Would more marriage counseling help? More IC for me? Is it normal for the AP to live rent free in my head so many years after the fact?
Any insight into this would be greatly appreciated. I just feel so lost and I know that what I am doing is not healthy for our relationship, but I can't seem to stop.

11 comments posted: Tuesday, April 30th, 2024