How to deal with BS throwing the affair in your face

Im just curious as to how everyone else deals with the emotional pain, and frustration caused by the BS throwing the affair card for everything im not happy about, or do wrong.

Also what are the little stop signs in front of my post mean?

14 comments posted: Thursday, January 14th, 2021

Help with the everyday work

Hey everyone, so its been a rough road because we both had and were dealing with a lot of past trauma. To be fair I was not really dealing with mine but more just burring my head in the sand and saying ill deal with it when I am in a better spot. I really want to just flip a switch and get things going on the repair work. I need some advice on somethings that I can do on a daily basis to keep the work on the fore front and not let it slip under the other things in life that usually get in the way.

Thanks!

6 comments posted: Sunday, January 3rd, 2021

Need emergency help

So things have gotten really bad, and I need to ask questions and get outside perspective.

I apologize if this is a little hard to focus on and get out, but things are very very bad right now.

Obviously its going to be very difficult to ask questions with out much background on what's going on her and all the particulars. However I believe with just one fact that 2 years ago I cheated, then dragged it out because I was being selfish and didn't know how or what to do

I cheated, I stole medication, and I drank not in excess, but to numb pain I was not in touch with enough inside to communicate or deal with. I lost a good job, I crashed my car, I ended up in a mental hospital for 10 days without any good just cause at least for the time after 72 hrs. I got her arrested because when she called the police one time we were fighting because she felt scared, I've never physically harmed her however in the heat of the emotion I was in here face and wasn't making anything better and my actions probably just goated her on.

Those are some of the bigger things that happed other than cheating that I have currently hanging over my head.

My moods lately have been all over the place due to stress no sleep, and constantly tormenting myself over what I did, I have yet to forgive myself on any sort of level for everything that I have ruined. I don't communicate this all the time, and still have been using a lot of easier routes to just get by instead of just doing the work.

I have had therapy through the VA and I was on and off of doing it because I wasn't making my appointments or being lazy on scheduling them. Even though I have been really down and dealing with not being able to motivate myself past the basic point of getting up going to work, and doing whatever I need to just to get up and do it again. I finally started to do things I needed to do appointment wise and after a month or two of not getting online to see my therapist i finally did.

things had been ok today, and when we got home and i had to get into my chat session she said she was going to give me privacy and she was going to do her own thing. I had my appointment and was catching my therapist up on the elapsed time. Once it was all done I came down and could tell my wife was upset. She had been listening on and off and thinks that my therapist is enabling me and though I was blaming everything on her. I got upset as that's not the case and any conversation that you don't hear in totality you can very easily misunderstand. We went back and forth a bit as I was getting upset at the fact she was judging based on incomplete information. She then wanted me to fill her in, and as I had not even begun to go over what I had talked about in my head I now had to try to rush though it. This didn't work and I got upset and said that I don't need to transcribe my therapy session.

I understand that tell her something is off limits or guarded after cheating is something horrible and I shouldn't do it. However I felt cornered and rushed to try to solve the problem. I know I should have just said Hey let me decompress and think about what I said so that I can better give you a representation of what was said so you don't have to feel like you are being blamed.

As far as therapy goes we did talk about this before, and with other therapist about asking about therapy and they said to give it time before either one of us share.

anger ensued and here we are she is hurt again and I'm of course the one who did wrong.

If anyone can maybe looks through some of this to help me better understand where things went wrong, other than all the things I already know I did wrong it would help a lot.

Thank you all.

6 comments posted: Wednesday, December 16th, 2020