"Anyone who's ever going to find his way in this world, has to start by admitting he doesn't know..."

Not doing so great

Hey all,

This past week, I had my hearing and just like that the marriage is now officially over. Probably a land speed record in terms of court filings I guess - filed in April, finalized in July. We stipulated to everything. Judge even commended us on the ability to craft an equitable agreement for everything.

After the hearing, I called my ex. We had a few logistical things to arrange, and after those got ironed out I asked her how she was doing. She started crying, and I dropped it.

A few days later, she stopped by my apartment to drop off some stuff for the kids. While there, I saw that she was in a different vehicle. I asked who's car that was, and she sheepishly said the name of a man I've never heard before. I asked her if he was my replacement, and she awkwardly laughed and left. I watched her get in his vehicle and drive away.

And just like that, all that hurt and pain came flooding back. The 22 years together, her numerous affairs, the sadness of it all...it just came flooding back to me. I'm finding it tough to pull myself out of this spiral.

I've talked to my therapist. I've talked to a few close friends. But I'm still just numb from a few things. The marriage being officially over for one, but also the idea that she's already moved on. This is the second guy she's seen in the five months since our uncoupling started. I know I can't use her as my yardstick to measure my own life and progress, but damned if this doesn't hurt.

I know I don't want her back, I don't want that old life back. But I feel just...stuck. For so long, I've identified myself as being married man. And now that's gone. I still have parts of me that are there - Dad is alive and well. But when the kids are not here, I just sort of feel empty and hollow inside. I've made attempts to fill that space. Exercise helps. Therapy definitely helps. I've got a few hobbies - cooking, making cocktails. But it doesn't seem like enough. I've never had many friends and it's not helped by the fact that I don't live in the town I actually work in. All my work friends live an hour away. The ex was my social outlet and that's dead now. I'm making small inroads towards making friends at the gym, but like I said, slow going.

I'm just wondering if this is it for me. I'm just going to exist in this space of hurt and angry for the rest of my days on this planet. It seems for as much work as I've put in these past few months - losing a ton of weight through exercise, cleaning up my eating habits, moving to my first apartment alone, becoming a better father - I've still got so much work to do and the light that was once at the end of the tunnel, it seems so far off now.

29 comments posted: Tuesday, July 28th, 2020

Lost Identity, can I find it again

Hey all,

So, I'm getting out of my 22 year relationship. No need to rehash that, it's done and that's that.

But I'm really struggling with rediscovering who I am and all that. For so long, my identity was "Family Man", the rock of the family and the one that was running the show at home. And when I'm with my kids, I still get to do parts of that.

But now, when I'm on my own, I'm just sort of lost. I've got a few things to keep me going. Mostly fitness stuff - CrossFit, biking, running, etc. I like that. Watching the Dad Bod melt away has been very nice.

But outside of that, I'm struggling. I've got that empty part of me that I'm not sure how to fill or move forward. I suspect it is largely a time thing, but I'm not sure.

Anyway, I guess I'm just looking for suggestions or advice for folks that have been in this spot. I'm about 47 days past D-Day now, and I've been through the GD ringer, but I'm hoping I can put this empty feeling aside.

19 comments posted: Sunday, May 17th, 2020