naive (?) questions about lawyers and no-fault divorce (US)

I am grateful for any advice from people with experience in this process, especially in U.S. - it's the first time for me dealing with lawyers and never liked them (except in court dramas like "The Good Wife" etc. )

So I just started a no-fault non-contentious divorce - actually trying to negotiate & draft the settlement agreement. I had my first few sessions with a lawyer (U.S., Maryland) that I retained to help me navigate the process, the WW did not accept just a mediator and retained a lawyer first, so I had to do the same. Already run into issues with my WW, even though we agreed otherwise to a non-contentious divorce (messy story, shameless work adulterer screwing her professor (who was also my supervisor) for 10 years etc. and then having no remorse -- of course when the AP did not divorce his wife for her, she pretended to want reconciliation while decidedly refusing to separate at work from the AP first, since she liked that job with the AP, he has been the professional sugar daddy and "provider" of her whole career and my WW seems almost proud to just be his designated work mistress.. Yay academia!)

I am completely clueless about dealing with lawyers, this system of being billed by the hour (minutes, apparently), not content or quality of work, through these face-to-face meetings (Zoom, actually), seems very inefficient and rather unreliable as a way of communication and retaining important information. They do not like exchanging information or being asked questions (or answering them) in writing (email, which I prefer) so a lot of time in these meetings is wasted because I am gathering my thoughts trying to answer a question I wasn't quite expecting, searching for my words, etc. Sometimes they are also dragging their phrases in redundant, prolonged explanations (and it's not polite to interrupt, right?). I am not good at live, real-time discussions. Anyway, direct questions:

1) Can I ask them to provide some reports in writing (e.g. what they discussed with the opposing counsel) instead of relaying of oral reports.. Or is that taboo/forbidden? Sometimes I'd rather have them send me questions/topics to discuss, in writing (email) so I can prepare and use more efficiently the face-to-face meeting time, though if even their answers/follow-ups were in writing, it would be even more efficient. Am I asking too much?

2) Is it dangerous to admit I have transcripts (actually recordings, I can screen record the Zoom sessions very discreetly) of what they said in these meetings, so I can refer to the information they provided in a previous meeting, and the statements they made then etc.? Can I get in trouble by doing that -- just for my own records/information? After all, I pay for that time&information, why not have a full/reviewable record of it? Alternatively I'm thinking to have an AI assistant "taking notes" (real time speech recognition) so I have these transcripts of what was said during these expensive consulting discussions. Would that be better?

3) I don't really understand how the no-fault, "non-contentious" settlement negotiations work, it seems that the fact that she was an adulterer for so long does NOT really matter that much or even at all since we decided to go the no-fault divorce route. She makes quite a bit more money than I do, but I don't want alimony, I am OK with just splitting the marital assets 50-50 (which means I get a slice of her retirement savings and her other bank accounts that were much fatter than mine, she had a few other income streams in her name). She admitted the adultery to me and the kids, I have texts between her and the kids, and emails to me etc. where she admitted her guilt (we've been through hell, since she was a remorseless one all along, very entitled etc. she traumatized the children as well - though they are old enough that there are no custody issues etc.). I naively thought it was self-evident and everybody knew (including her lawyer) that she was the adulterer and that's why we divorce (which is the uncontested truth as far as I and the children are concerned), and I don't ask for anything except to not get screwed by her any further, and move on, but I would like at least the adultery to be silently acknowledged -- even though the adultery is not the legal grounds of this "no-fault" divorce, of course.

So I told my lawyer about this from the beginning (that my WW was a 10-years adulterer etc. and she upended my life with this betrayal etc. including professionally, but I'm ready to move on, I just want to split the marital assets "equitably" ) and did not think much of it. But a few days ago in my last discussion with my lawyer, she informs me that in her discussions with the other counsel it came up that my wife is complaining that I am being "cruel" to her, as in the last year and a half since I found out about her LTA I kept sending her "vicious", offending texts and emails, calling her "names" (like "adulterer", or "heartless" or "pathological liar", all true! children agree as well, they called her "psycho" for good reason..). Indeed I tried for a long time to "reach" her, again and again, I could not let go -- scolding her trying to make her feel real remorse and shame for what she did to me and the children (and ended up with her lecturing me that "shaming is abuse" -- thanks Brene Brown! , so she totally rejected the idea of "shame", she claimed to feel guilt but she actually told me later that "she decided to forgive herself" :) -- and never cared for my forgiveness, haha.. instead proceeding to call me "cruel" because of those texts/emails and I don't care about her feelings, she suffered a lot, you know (for being caught?) ).

Anyway, so the opposing counsel was telling my lawyer that they even have "evidence" of my "cruelty" and vicious conduct (these angry scolding emails and texts from me) and ready to send that to my counsel.

I was stunned -- WHY?! I cannot understand WHY they did that, why did my WW and her counsel introduced a character attack in what is supposedly a "no-fault", non-contentious settlement negotiations?! I thought this stuff (including the adultery itself) does not really impact such no-fault negotiation process. My lawyer did NOT ask for proof of the WW's adultery (of which I have plenty).. I tried to ask her WHY and she got a bit patronizing with a rhetorical question "Now, why do you think ?!" -- made me feel like a fool.. I have no idea? And then she suggested (but not clearly explained it) that it was to somehow preempt me bringing up the adultery (?) Still confused about the whole thing. I asked my lawyer if I should now also provide her (and thus the opposing counsel) with proof of my WW's adultery, in return -- it only seems fair, right? Even though, again, I thought in this no-fault process such stuff should not really matter.. My lawyer responded, rather absentmindedly (she was typing something at the same time on her computer): "Sure, send me what you have". What is happening here? What's our "strategy"?

Anyway, I packaged and sent (summarized) a sample of the "evidence" -- I chose my WW's group chats with the children (shared by my children with me soon after that chat, last year) where she tried to vilify me but she also admitted to the long adultery, and clumsily tried to argue with the children illogically that she did not deceive or manipulate them all that time, but just me (they destroyed her in that chat, caught her lying/distorting multiple times, it was almost entertaining to read if it weren't so sad..).

So I'm confused and feel like a bumbling idiot, how are lawyers using this acrimonious stuff during this settlement agreement negotiations? First I was told the personal blame game does not matter and should not get into it, but now I see that it does matter, so I should "bring it on"?!

26 comments posted: Sunday, January 16th, 2022