Why Can’t I let go

Hi everyone. I know that years ago I posted here. I’ll give you the short story. I was married for almost 20 years to my HS boyfriend. We had a wonderful life 2 beautiful kids etc. I found out he was cheating on me with by best friend. Horrible situation. I never ever wanted my children who were teens at the time to find out but bc of the OW my husband had no choice but to fess up. Her kids and my kids were friends and OW was backing him in a corner. I guess he never expected for this to end up this way. Things got out of hand and my son was very upset and hurt and got into a fight with my husband and didn't want to speak to him. My husband asked for my forgiveness and he also asked our daughter for forgiveness for whatever reason he was in a dark place. I gave him forgiveness and he left on a business trip and we made plans to take the kids away the following weekend to start repairing our family. He even called my therapist without my knowledge and asked him what he could do to fix his family. Unfortunately he died on that business trip. My son wasn’t speaking to him This was 15 years ago. We have healed moved on, my children are grown I’m a grandmother now. I have been in a relationship for 9 years now with a man who is also widowed. He doesn’t know this part of my story bc I chose to forgive my husband and I didn’t think it was necessary for him to know. Up until 2 weeks prior to his death my children didn’t even know and have nothing but wonderful memories of him and our family. He was a good man who I believe lost his way for a time not making excuses for him. The OW did manipulate and plot it’s all so clear in hindsight I just didn’t see it at the time. It’s almost like a cliche Lifetime movie. Anyway, it’s been 15 years. It never leaves me. I’m still so sad and angry for what he did and angry that he and my son never got to reconcile. No one would know I keep this buried inside me. He was my person we grew up together we were supposed to grow old together but he cheated on me then had the nerve to die and just leave me with all of this pain that I have no where to put. I don’t know if this makes sense to anyone but thank you for listening.

8 comments posted: Saturday, May 23rd, 2020