Trying to leave verbally abusive partner. I’m desperate for advice..

I’ve posted on here a long time ago after I found out my boyfriend of (now) 8 years had a relationship with another woman for almost a year.

I stuck around to save the relationship. He’s the first real relationship I’ve had and my longest. We have kids together.

For a long time I’ve been unhappy but content. I was in a stable place with him and the unknown is scary. However it all is really hitting me and I decided I can’t anymore. No matter the unknown is better than spending the next however many years of my life being "content"

I am just no realizing the extent of manipulation, bullying tactics, and disrespect in so many different ways. It’s like a veil has been lifted.

I calmly and kindly said that I want to end the relationship. I didn’t do the blame game. I expressed gratitude for the good things he has done and that he is a really good dad. That I want both of us to be happy etc etc.

It seemed semi civil. Then he found out I was reaching out to my friend for advice and support and he lost it. He took my phone and demanded I unlock it so he can read what I said to her. He said he paid for the phone so it’s his now. He threatened to break it. I was scared because I didn’t want him reading it to make things worse although I didn’t say anything that bad at all. I wasn’t "talking shit" like he suggests. His whole demeanor turned almost evil. He started saying the most hateful hurtful things imaginable that I won’t even repeat here. He made sure I knew how much power he had over me especially financially. I shut down and chose not to acknowledge him when he was like that. Since he didn’t get a reaction he grabbed a cup of water and threatened to pour it over my head.
He was a completely different person. I’ve seen a bit of that when we argued in the past. but this was a whole other level and side. I was terrified I felt helpless. He had my phone and I realized that if it got worse I couldn’t call for help. I don’t think he would ever turn physically abusive but after that I’m a little uncertain of that now. I finally diffused the situation and he was more rational. I instinctively went back to people pleasing mode and trying to lighten his mood because I was scared. Eventually I laid down to sleep and he agreed to sleep on the couch. Then he came in the room and started cuddling on me and touching me. I didn’t know what to do so I made my body language clear I didn’t like it. He asked if I didn’t want him touching me and again I tried to be.. neutral and said I’m confused by it. He said well if you’re so confused by it then I’ll leave. And he went to sleep on the couch.

We went to work the next day he texted me if we were gonna talk about last night and if we are on/off/neutral. I said neutral for fear of his reaction to hearing I want to leave again. Plus we both needed sleep and time so that’s what I said. I went to my aunts after work with the kids and had dinner. I told her a little bit about it I’m scared of telling people and having him find out..
When I got home he was asleep. Today he got home later so I went to lay with our son almost immediately when he got home. We haven’t talked more about it just very generic civil conversation over the phone and about the kids.

My friend is taking the kids this weekend. I think it’s best for them to be away for now but I’m scared to be alone with him. I know I have to confront it. I know that he is hurting but there’s no excuse for his behavior, making me feel scared and saying the things he did. I don’t know what to say or how to tell him I’m done. I don’t know how he will react or if he will escalate even more if I try to stand up for myself.

I don’t have much of an exit strategy. Which is dumb I should have planned it out more but I honestly thought we could be civil about it or that maybe he would feel the same way or atleast understand where I was coming from. His needs are going in met just as mine are. We are practically roommates (his words) so I don’t understand why it’s such a shock to him. I was hoping we could eventually come together and plan our separation and do what is best for the kids to help them transition and make this as easy as it can be for them. Now I just don’t know… anything. I wasn’t expecting it to get like that… I don’t know what to do or say. Other than go back to what I always do and just pretend like it didn’t happen or affect me. Pretend that everything is fine like I have always don’t after fights. I’m Just in constant anxiety waiting for him to explode again. I am trying to keep things as calm and civil as possible. I just need advice or something…

Thank you for taking the time to read I know it was long. I’m just desperate to talk to someone and get advice on what I should do. I’ve told my friend and my aunt and mom. Which I’m even scared that they know but I told them not to say anything and pretend they don’t know.. but they don’t have experience with this or much advice..

12 comments posted: Thursday, May 25th, 2023