5 1/2 months later.. suffering

5 1/2 months since dday. (I had a 5month ea/pa).

Some of you may remember me.. I haven't been on here much lately..

I am here due to overwhelming feelings of helplessness. And also to out myself.

When I first came to SI, honestly looking and reading back, I was still full of shit in ways... clouded in judgement and not strong at all!

Since then, 1-2 times weekly IC and books,TED talks, lots of research and thinking have changed the ways I think forever. And I have had fails. I am not completely perfect but I am aware and determined to live wholehearted. Its a process and a marathon.

As update, for the last 5 1/2 months, BS and I have been separated. He continues to keep a small light of hope up for R but he is going through depression and that small light seems to be going away..

Without giving too much of his private information I am asking you all if there is anything I can do to help him any further? He is struggling so bad with depression. Does go see IC once a week but honestly I feel as if it is not enough, he was talking about going to see a trauma specialist, has not see one yet as it is hard to get in these days..

BS is specifically struggling due to images he is seeing in his head. He knows details of what happened during pa upon his request and even met with AP months ago to question him about details.

Is there anything I can do to help him? I've reached the end of my line it seems. Done all and more that was asked. Changed my entire life around.

I am glad I did. And while I manage day to day, the self hate is certainly still there and will prob remain.

My BS is suffering and there is nothing I can do. I broke his heart and now he is suffering from depression. How can I help him survive this? How do other BS decide to R or find happiness again without their WS? It seems we are both breaking more and more each day and while I am so hoping and wishing for a new start together, I am aware it is unlikely.

I've read a lot about emotional dependence and I can say that I see myself certainly as emotional dependent on how BS is feeling. Knowing how he is feeling triggers my wish to A: help him, and then when I am not able to/ allowed to it triggers me to not want to live anymore in ways.

BS has suicidal thoughts he tells me. I truly want nothing more than for BS to be happy again. What can I do?

Due to my own work I know I can't do his work for him. I know he has to make his own decisions. But how can I just continue this way? It's been 5 1/2 months and I told him I will wait until there's nothing left in me and I mean that!

Is there BS or WS amongst you that have been in this situation? How does a BS decide what they want moving forward and can? Is there any resources that could help him to cope with mental images? any advice?

I am sorry but clearly I am desperate..

Desperate because I really want him to feel better. It seems impossible to think of anything else but BS pain. His suffering. I can only decide for me and control me. I just don't want to give up fighting for us. And fighting for him. Any advice is appreciated!

His pain, What I did to him.. I can't express my remorse in words. I broke him. Broke us. Our life. Took it and destroyed it all due to my own selfish and brokeness!

The work I can do on my side I am doing as much as possible. It is not a quick fix. But this post is essentially out of the helplessness that I truly want to support BS in any way he needs. His suffering is breaking him and also me apart and I can't help him this way.

Any advice?

Specifically, he just txt me last night and expressed his pain. Explained how the mental images are haunting him daily.. I have not txt him back yet. I am not sure what to say. There's nothing that hasn't been said. idk what to do anymore. The feelings are overwhelming and people continue to tell me I just need to take care of myself... I can't do that in this situation. Taking care of myself while knowing how badly he is suffering.. SI community I just don't know what to do anymore as there doesn't seem to be anything I can do..

13 comments posted: Friday, December 4th, 2020

“Best friend” harming bs - my fault?..

Dear SI community, I’ve been staying away from here as Manx things have been happening and I am trying to cope. For the last 4 months I’ve been working on myself and have changed so very much. Since then there have been good moments with BS and sadly also fails on my part. The biggest fail continued to be that I know the right thing is to respect when he asks to be left alone and I could not act on it because my own pain was so overwhelming. Instead of seeing myself in the right tho, I’ve then scheduled ic to figure that shit out. Well, last night my world broke down as I heard that my grandma overseas is in the icu and needed dialysis. Due to Covid she can’t have visitors. I begged my bs to be there with me because I broke down completely. Knowing I do not deserve him and even begged after he told me that he can’t see me. - how selfish I was😞 or I should say am considering this was last night. I managed to go to sleep. Hoped for today to be a better day. I woke up to messages from BS, showing how my best friend from Germany (now former) messaged him and said he needs to stop playing games with me. I was shocked. Tried to call bs he would not answer. Then asked my “friend” and said wth?! For months she has been there for me over the phone. Honest but supportive of my work and that I am fighting for R. In the last weeks she’s been telling me that she is worried about me. That she does not recognize me anymore as I do whatever bs wants and that what I am doing is very unhealthy. Each time I issued her that it is my work because I choose that work and that I want to become a safe partner. She got all true INformation from me and of course she saw it from my corner as she has been a friend for 10 years.. so now, BS txt me and told me it’s over. How I write and talk in a way that creates sympathy and he even thinks I do it unintentionally. I feel completely devastated. This “friend” knows I love him and that not once did I want to stop fighting. Yet she tells me I am being manipulated.. I now lost BS due to this being a trigger as my former coworkers were saying similar things months ago. I stopped talking to all of them. Have I really surrounded myself with people like that before?.. I think this friend is scared because she does not recognize me anymore. Because I’ve been changing so much and she even said she is using her own life experience to see this. That sometimes even tho I live something I must let it go. I scheduled ic for tonight as I am at a total loss. Did I just loose my best friend and also my Bs both in one day?.... I want to add that right after I received the message, I messaged this friend and asked her to explain herself and told her wth?! Then drove to bs house because I will choose him any day over any friend. He was so devastated and heart broken. Thinking the worst of me and saying that I must have told this friend for months things that aren’t true for her to think so poorly of him. He was in tears and asked me to leave. Leaving him broke my heart and at the same time, I did. I left. It was against everything in me. And now, I’m sitting here in my car. The world is spinning and I just want it to stop. Not once did I tell this friend bad things about bs. I have told her over and over how I am taking full responsibility. And her answer is: it takes two... that is her outlook. And all the fighting now means nothing. Please help. I see how and why bs would see the way he does. But it is not based on the truth 😞 it’s really not. And so now, I told this friend that I considered to be my best friend for 10 years that this all was not okay. And her response was that she sees how this whole situation has been breaking me apart and she could not see that any longer... but it hat is my decision to make where my stop is. Not hers. And I stead of her messaging bs as a supportive friend of the relationship, she messaged him and only said: stop playing with her. ... 😣

4 comments posted: Wednesday, November 4th, 2020