Finally Dating and I Screwed Up

You all have helped me years before and I thank you eternally for that. Last year, I found myself leaving a 5-year narcissistic relationship I didnt even know I was in. It depressed me but I went cold turkey and happy to not have ever heard from him and his narcissistic ways again. Fast forward to this year, i see red flags in every man which is both a blessing and a curse but moreso blessing bc most ppl are not for you, right? Well, I finally found who I thought was "the one" and i NEVER say that. I saw so much greenflags. I was transparent about my past and he was with his. Our communication style clicked, we had deep convos, shared insecurities, emotional needs (not too fast to get physical more than intense make out sesh), but I had a PMS episode and went full on crying after i saw he still had dating apps on his phone after promising me he didnt (and was going to delete the “only one” he had last week). I wouldnt have had such a reaction (it has yet to be a month of even knowing each other) but the lie is what got me. He had more than just that one dating app and he hadnt deleted anything so yes, I cried. I can’t believe it but I believe it was my past relationships that sparked the nerve — being lied to — it just created a triggered response of tears. I didn’t scream or act out of character. I just put my head down and let the tears flow. Thank God i wasnt sobbing but boy oh boy was he watching me. It was more or tears streaming down my face and easily covered them up. He claimed the apps are ones he doesnt use and how he doesnt use many apps he keeps downloaded on his phone. He deleted two of three of them right then but refused to delete one of them (not the one we met on) and said it wasnt because he was hiding someone on that one or needing to part ways with someone on there, he doesnt like feeling controlled but felt controlled. I just dont believe that. If that were the case, why not keep all three on there? Again, i had no reason to even tear up and ask him to follow through with his word and delete bc again we are still very early, but he said this was already done! I know it was the lie that got me. He held my hand while i teared up and wiped my tears with his hand. Real smooth and Hollywood like scene, right? I have never had comfort through an argument from a partner/potential partner so I bossed up and told my PMS to chill and he kissed me and I was reassured we were good. I never told him I pms-ing, i just chose to let it go and g continue on to the place we were on our way to. The thing, it was at this point, HE started acting weird. His energy was distant and i didnt know why (i asked). He remained quiet most of the date, at that point. He hasnt spoken to me since the date on Sunday and it is now Tuesday. I blame myself for reacting the way i did when i saw his phone and plan to apologize even tho, at this point, i feel ghosted bc we have spoken at length day and night for almost a month now until this past Sunday. I dont feel there is a great pool of humanity who know how to be loyal anymore, let alone from a man to a woman. They do us wrong and look at us as the problem from our reaction to their promise. I feel dating now, in general is wired in way that teaches the parties involved to wait for the other shoe to drop — and although i dont PMS a lot, of course i did on this past date. Although, I live by the saying "Whats for you — is for you, and you cant steer the right one away" but why am I left feeling like the red flag here? I barely slept last night. Im always the green flag in my relationship — my exs have always told me that. I just wish he offered me grace and understanding but instead im ghosted (something he also said he wouldnt do). This guy just had so many green flags and he told me we supported one another emotionally. Everything felt balanced, was refreshing. I know you all will tell me it’s best it happened now than years down the line but i cant shake this feeling. I felt like all my years of getting dead-end men finally paid off and this was my one. It was finally my turn to be happy. I was wrong. I had given up on love before this. I dont want to risk this again. I really wanted him.

25 comments posted: Tuesday, November 7th, 2023