Fantasies and a new job

Hello!

I'm starting this topic on the one hand for some practical tips on how to handle fantasies, on the other hand to talk about a job I applied for.

I struggle with fantasies, often it's memories of APs, not sexual ones, (much of my affairs was fantasy only) just of regular stuff I remember about them (like university or school, where I met many people, or stuff they told me or I know about them). As a Sex, Love and Porn addict, there are some thoughts about porn, but very seldomly. Right now I stop them by saying a little prayer, that I want to focus on my BS or whatever I'm doing at this moment and not fantasize or obsess about anyone. Then I focus on what I'm doing or find something to distract me, like reading something, going through some plans on how to not objectify women in specific situations, singing, thinking of things I appreciate about my partner and some others. Can anyone help with stopping those thoughts or dealing with them?

And about the job, I paused university because I met lots of people there that I fantasized about and am now looking for jobs. I got a reply to an application I sent out, and it was from a woman (which I didn't know beforehand). When I got that reply and saw her name, I started thinking about whether she's attractive or not, there were some thoughts of if she had big breasts (which would make it harder for me not to look at them), later even the fantasy of what if we have sex at my interview - all before I even met her. I still went to the interview and she didn't look at all like my fantasies and seemed nice and is a lot older than me and I'm not attracted to her. During the interview, I had images of someone ejaculating on her face (which isn't the first time this happened and I will work on stopping that, too) I do think that my thoughts changed after the interview. At this job I would be alone with her (at this location, it's part of a larger corporation with HQ in another country) and often even be alone in the office. The main concerns we have with me taking this job is me continuing to fantasize about her and objectifying her at the office. But I would have my own office, so no line of sight while working at my desk and she would be out talking to clients a lot. It's a better job than I hoped for (more interesting and better pay than what I anticipated to get) and I'm excited about it. It would require some travel, but autumn 2021 at the earliest and contact with clients, but mostly over the phone or email. I would keep working on not fantasizing and can imagine that it would get better with time and as I got to know her better. I would also be open about my thoughts to my partner, my therapist and in 12 step meetings or with a sponsor, when I find one. Do you have any thoughts on how to deal with this and if it sounds safe to take this job?

Thanks in advance,

best53

17 comments posted: Monday, December 28th, 2020

How to be honest to my BS

Hi!

I'm a WS in need of some help. My infidelity came out this summer and my partner and I agreed on staying together until the end of December to see if there is anything worth saving in our relationship. I wrote a full disclosure for her, telling her everything about my relationships with other women. Since then she had a few questions and we had big problems with two things, mostly.

1. I can't stop looking at women sexually and objectifying them. This is not what I'm writing about today but I would appreciate some tips on how to stop doing this as well.

2. Being honest to her. I don't want to make excuses but I have found it very difficult on the one hand to answer her questions truthfully and on the other, to tell her about what she would want to know (without being asked). She even said that she would break up with me if I lied to her or kept something from her one more time and I still did it.

I know that it's always better to be honest so she can know and decide for herself if she wants to be with me. I still want to hide, mostly from her anger, but I think also from admitting to myself that I am a person that would do/think such a thing (depending on the question), additionally I have thoughts that she couldn't possibly stay with me if she knew this detail.

I wrote a plan on how to be honest, for example telling her if I feel the urge to lie or if I'm afraid I might lie and telling her that there's things I need to tell her right away when we see each other. I know in the end it's my responsibility to be honest to her, but do you have any tips that might help me?

I think a big problem is that I'm afraid of anger and have been afraid of her for quite some time now. I feel like I've been afraid of anger all my life, afraid of my parents' anger and my bigger brothers anger. I feel like when someones angry at me I can't do anything and just cower down. This has been a problem for a long time in my relationship, as I think I always felt inferior whenever we had arguments, like I couldn't "protect" myself from her. So any tips on how to not be afraid of her would be appreciated as well.

Thank you!

18 comments posted: Sunday, November 15th, 2020