Dont know how to handle

First time posting but have lurked over the site for a couple of yrs now.
Long story short:
- Found innappropriate conversations between WH and another woman when I was 6m pregnant. Confronted and he denied until only very recently. Being hormonal and having the new baby on the way (as well as our 2yr old) I rugswept and let it go (except for the occassional raising of the issue).
- about 4yrs after the first indiscretion I found out that he started a EA/PA with someone he met at work that started about 2 months after I had our child (as mentioned above) that lasted 3yrs. During discovery I also found lots of innappropriate texts/conversations with about 6 or so other women on social media (that he either knew when he was younger or had met at work) - disgusting, immature sexts. The 3yr affair ended when I found out and I tried to implement bndy's, talk about the why's and prevention in the future etc (couldnt afford a councillor at the time) however was met with a lot of defence, anger and ultimately very little work on his part. Like a chump i gave him a chance (I desperately wanted to keep the family in tact) and things werent great but OK and he seemed to be towing the line so-to-say.
- About 1yr and 3m after revelation of the PA (just before xmas last year) I found out about innappropriate conversations at work with about 4 other women. I hit the roof this time around (the shock wasnt as bad) and he went into major depressive mode, got psychiatric help (anxiety/depression) and made the endless promises. However he still refused/was unable to tap into the why/how. I put my foot down this time and insisted we were not moving forward until i had some effort from him on the discussions of why and prevention. While we still had sex, and life goes on with a young family i still raised it with him at the end of each week and really tried hard to open up the communication about it all - he made false promises along the way and realistically didnt actually put in much effort...so my resentment did start to affect things.
- 8 month later (current day) I started to feel the distance from him again, his dismissive reactions to my raising the affairs topic and my red flags went up. I broached the topic approx 4 times over the course of the last month and was met with nothings wrong, im just tired, works been busy etc and then just last week his response was i dont know what i want, dont ask me if this is what i want i cant answer that question - when i asked if he still wanted to be with me. So i asked him to leave as after all he has put me through if he wasnt certain that he wanted to be with me then it wasnt worth trying anymore.
he happily packed a bag of clothes and left without a backward glance. Not being as trusting/naive this time around i know that he had been in communicatin with a lady at work and that communication ramped up significantly as soon as he left - the conversations were not platonic.

He has been gone for 2 weeks partying, not sleeping, communicating with the AP etc. and only returning here to look after the kids while i am at work (school holidays/his work holidays) - spent most of his time sleeping, texting and not really doing too much.

All i wanted was closure and honesty at the end of the day - 18yrs together and a young family - and asked him for this as a sign of respect and being able to move forward amicably for the kids. But i just got lies, denial and not much honesty/truth. I am done, and have started to separate out our everyday things like banking, phones, health ins etc. I feel like yesterday/last night he is doing things like hugging me, turned up last night at 2am to sleep (just turned up and got into bed tried to cuddle up to me) etc. while at the same time texting/talking to his AP What is with this man?

While i am no supermodel i am pretty attractive, smart, have a great job (and can financially support myself), will bend over backward for my family (particularly) am loyal and forgiving and still only 36yrs old (plenty of life left in me). I dont know how to force this separation without it getting messy (him getting cranky about me saying no to him coming and using the house - which i think will definately happen) and while still genuinely loving the 'old him'. It is so hard because of my loyalty to our young family but obviously he has zero respect for me (or potentially has NPD/bipolar). He currently has a place to stay with his sister (who has said it is fine he stay there as long as he needs) and in reality there is no reason why he cant shower/sleep there.

TBH dont really know what i am looking for here....a vent/advice/to have my voice heard? I am just over being fucked around.

12 comments posted: Wednesday, September 28th, 2022