BW 49 M 5 years
DDay1: October 9, 2020
DDay2: January 27, 2024
D in progress
Codependent fear and anxiety
To start, I am not fearful of my life or my physical wellbeing.
I grew up with a very hard borderline mother, who still has my Dad and my stepdad in great anxiety and fear of her, through emotional manipulation, control and stress.
I couple of months ago I discovered my WH was deeper in the rabbit hole of infidelity than what he willingly confessed to me 4 years ago. I discovered a treasure trove of condoms, dirty underwear, videos, escorts, girls, accounts, snapchats, multiple appleID’s, and on and on.
After initial discovery, shock and horror, I sat with things for a couple of weeks and asked him to paint the picture for me. He didn’t like being the one not in control this time.
Since then, I have continued to document and collect information, gain an understanding of the nightmare, while getting legal advice, obtaining lawyers and a therapist, getting finances straight, filling out divorce paperwork preemptively, assessing a team of support friends, getting a storage unit, etc..
In the meantime, he’s been acting weirdly contrite, maintaining distance in his man cave, checking in throughout the day, and still snapchatting and pornhubbing away.
He has all but stopped his main social hobbies and barely connects with his 2 young sons from previous marriage, that we have several days of the week.
I worry that I will get lost in the weeds of planning, waiting for the right moment to say, "I want a divorce, here’s how I think it should go…"
But never actually doing it.
I’m absolutely terrified about him becoming a stubborn, shutdown and difficult to deal with as a high conflict individual. Especially since we live in the same house and I’m the one the kids go to for their basic and emotional needs being met.
I’m also struggling with his lying to his family members as a ruse to exert control and influence on other members of his family.
I feel like a complete coward for not acting more immediately. My therapist told me it takes, on average, 6 unsuccessful attempts to leave.
Anyone else have struggles?
Thx
5 comments posted: Monday, April 22nd, 2024
