Will he be better for her?

Long story short: he had an affair in 2020, we've stayed in contact the whole time (please don't yell or lecture me; I know); he told me it was his biggest regret, he loves me, he wants to be with me, etc. I knew it wasn't completely true or he would have made actual moves to be with me but I wasn't ready to let go (still not ready).

The affair relationship didn't last long and we've had nice times since then. But then in September I found out he was spending a lot of time at a place that wasn't his. When confronted, he said it was a friend - it was totally platonic, etc. I wasn't born yesterday and didn't believe that and he swore I'd meet her - but then I found out who it actually was and he admitted they were casually dating.

Then he changed the story to the romantic part of it was over and it was just a friendship again. Only for me to find out on NYE that, no, it's a real relationship (I mean, I knew that but now I had proof) and that she actually was with him and his family for Christmas.

This doesn't feel like the affair did - this feels like a real relationship and he spends tons of time with her and obviously loves her. I just feel deep certainty in my gut that, not only will they last, she'll get everything I wanted - a good marriage, kids, loyalty.

I know people don't tend to change unless they work on themselves but I really think he's going to be true to her. I know he hasn't really been so far - as of Friday he said he wanted to be with me and he's been telling me he loves me their whole relationship - but now that I know, he's gone totally cold on me and distant. I know part of it is shame - but I think that shame is why he'll be a good partner for her. He's not going to cause someone else this pain.

My therapist is a good therapist and won't back up my hopes that he will lie to her, too. And part of me is glad to finally have this closure - but I'm so upset that he can drop me like this and go be happy with someone new when I'm alone. I was the faithful one! Well past when I should have been loyal, I was. I love him - I shouldn't, but I do, and I thought he had some feelings for me that would have meant he couldn't do this again.

Why does he get a happy ending? Introducing her to his family is major. That's why I'm so sure it's going to work out for them. I don't understand what I did to deserve this. And I am certain there's no one else out there for me. It's not fair. I want to know they'll fail but I also feel badly for hoping that - she's done nothing wrong and seems like a fine person from the very limited info I have.

I just feel so unlovable - and I keep blaming myself for all the times I was insecure or even unkind in our relationship - I didn't deserve to be cheated on but I'm sure she's wonderful and doesn't have my issues so he just will never feel the need to betray her. But if he never cheats again, I was the problem. How does anyone cope with that? I can't cope with that. This man told me I was everything to him and he threw me away, twice. How can anyone recover from that? I can't.

Please don't tell me to block him, divorce him, etc. I know all that and my situation is tricky with a divorce. I just need to know I'm not alone. I feel very, very alone.

12 comments posted: Friday, January 5th, 2024

I'm back

In October 2020, I found out my husband was having an affair with his younger coworker. He moved out but we stayed in touch. He doesn't really want me as a wife but still likes having me around and I stupidly thought he'd see the error of his ways. She turned out to be less-than-loving to him and they broke up about 5 months after he moved out. After that, he said he loved me and would never want anyone else ever again - and that he couldn't ever cheat on me again because he saw how much it devastated me.

We've had moments where I thought we were on the right track but he's not a good communicator so I've never felt like anything ever got healed.

In early September, I found out he was spending time in a random flat. I confronted him, he lied at first, then said it was a friend he had met through another friend. She was gay or bi and they just hung out. I obviously didn't fall for that but he refused to come clean any further. Last night, I put the pieces together and confronted him again. He met me to "be upfront," which I said isn't possible when you've been caught but whatever.

He loves me, he doesn't want to lose me. It's not that serious with her but he also won't give her up.

I can't believe I'm here again. I am such an idiot. I hate myself for wasting these years but I hate more that I love him and don't want to let him go.

The first affair was classic infatuation and I could see all the ways he got to that point. I'm not excusing it at all but I could see it and it looked and felt like it was going to crash and burn. And it did.

This feels different. He wasn't escaping an unhappy job and relationship - he's known this woman for a couple of years and clearly one night they just fell into this new relationship. My gut says this is real for him and that feels even worse than the first time.

I don't really have any family - I've just been through a couple of years of family hell - and my friends love me but also will just say they told me so at this point. And I don't feel strong enough to hear that bc I'm too upset. So I've just been in bed crying all day because I'm so alone. He's been my family, he's my favourite person - yes after everything - and I don't know how to live without him. Obviously I'm not a total loser - life will go on. But I keep hearing "what's meant for you won't pass you by." I don't think love is meant for me. I think this was my one chance and I'll be alone from now on. And he gets love! How does he get to be happy? He's been telling me the whole time he's with her that he loves me but I know he won't actually cheat on her once their "official." That was just for me.

He said last night he always thought he'd die alone. I said I had been there and he didn't have to - but I think now I will and he'll be with her. I don't understand how someone who can devastate the person he claimed to love more than anyone else can just turn around and be happy with someone new.

I hate this. But I know once I say goodbye to him there will be a permanent hole in my life. We get along so well, we make each other laugh and I just know I won't find it again. But he already has.

6 comments posted: Tuesday, October 31st, 2023