How do you pick an IC
I have to find another IC, this is my third attempt.
What questions do I need to ask before making an appointment?
This last IC didn't fit because she uses ester perelle book for a guide. And that does not fit within my path to R.
15 comments posted: Tuesday, September 14th, 2021
8 yrs tomorrow...
8 yrs ago tomorrow I was caught posting online for another man...
And then I continued to lie to my BH about my actions about this about the infidelity from the beginning of our relationship.
2 days from now will be 3 months since I came clean to my BH about everything.
I'm currently spiraling on my own hellish rollercoaster.
I feel so selfish for having these feelings. I think about what my BH must be feeling and it breaks my heart it keeps me up at night.
BH and I have been on a 17 day smooth streak and with everyday I build more confidence in myself and my BH feels more confident in our marriage.
Is it normal for a WS to have triggers around dates that impacted the marriage or their BH/BW?
3 comments posted: Tuesday, July 13th, 2021
One step forward two steps back
I have let my BH down. I have tried to apologize and own what I have done but he can't believe my words.
I made my BH feel terrible and like I don't care about him. For the most of the evening BH and I were flirty and we took a shower together and I made it very clear I wanted him that night. Well BH did a sweet sexy thing and rubbed my back and I was full naked and I fell asleep while he was rubbing my back.
This is something I have done in the past and he has expressed it hurts him and makes him feel unspecial and undesirable. I have promised not to lead him on any in fashion. And that's exactly what happened last night. I let my BH down.
I hate this person I am. I want to change I'm in IC.
I have left my BH feeling unloved and undesirable I'm a piece of shit. I don't want him to feel this way .... I'm the cause.
My BH is struggling and I want to support him but he doesn't want to listen to my words.
**Edit to make more detailed
[This message edited by 15yrsinthemaking at 12:16 AM, May 31st (Monday)]
8 comments posted: Sunday, May 30th, 2021
BH wants to have an affair
Not sure where to put this ... Mods please let me know if I should go elsewhere.
I'm a hot mess right now, pardon the language.
My BH says he wants to have a 6 month PA and that it's only fair because of my actions.
BH says he will tell me everything I want to know. I don't know if I would want to know. I did ask three things from him 1. To always wear a condom 2. No coworkers 3. Not to bring it into our home.
But as soon as I said those words my stomach got an ill feeling.
Part of me says fuck if this is what it takes to keep my family together and for BH and I to come back together then DO IT!!! But part of me is SCREAMING WTF is wrong with you ... Why would you agree to this?!?
I know I'm dealing with self-esteem issues and I already have a hard time seeing my value. I don't know what to do!?!
I love this man so much!!! This weekend we had a wonderful day as a family. BH and I even had sex, he initiated. So I don't know if BH is riding the emotional rollercoaster or if this is something he really wants to do.
I know I'm riding the emotional rollercoaster. This isn't the first time BH has talked about doing this. I know he hasn't done anything yet. And just the thought is killing me and I have nightmares, where I see him going down on other women and then fucking them. I feel like I "owe" it to him and show him I can be faithful and loyal and stick by his side the way he had been by mine.
Has any WS or BH every done something like this?
Am I just being weak or will this show my strength?
[This message edited by 15yrsinthemaking at 9:12 PM, April 27th (Tuesday)]
130 comments posted: Tuesday, April 27th, 2021
From the beginning....
Sixteen years ago I met the amazing man I have the pleasure and pride of calling my husband. Unfortunately my love story takes a shitty turn. When I first met H , I was in a sexual only "relationship" with the OM I had feelings for OM but he didn't have the same feelings towards me. I did want OM to want me for more than sex but he didn't and never did.
For the six first months of my relationship with H I was also having sex with OM. H expressed he wanted us to be exclusive I agreed but didn't follow through. I continued my PA with OM and I lied and hid it from H.
After H and I became an official couple I had sex with OM one morebtime. Then I stopped seeing OM. But I never told H about my PA.
Fast Forward a few months H and I moved in together, we had been living with each other for a month when H found a read a journal/scrapbook I had. He found out about my PA, I didn't deny my PA but I did withhold details and I lied about my feelings towards OM. We pushed through without addressing my affair. My H did have insecurities caused by me but we pushed through. I didn't talk I wouldn't talk about what I did. H did go to sex shops to try to spice up the bedroom but I didn't understand why he was doing that. I didn't ask either. We pushed through. We were happy in love building a life together. I never thought of what I did I never thought of OM. I just didn't put any thought into it.
Fast Forward 7 years, it was my 10 year high school reunion. An ex from high school reached out to me. I didn't shut it down and I developed and EA with him. And I never saw this guy in person, I truly didn't know shit about him. But I did allow myself to have a have 4 week EA with him. It all ended when H found a post I put online, expressing feeling for him. I lied about my feelings for EA.
After that we got married and had two children planned.
I lied and betrayed my BS, I'm a piece of shit.
And now we are here, I gave my BS an incomplete timeline, then last week I came clean with it all. My original timeline omitted that I gave OM oral, one time without OM asking. And I did this fucking killed my marriage. I killed my marriage.
It wasn't until a few years ago that I started giving H oral. And I started to really enjoy giving that to him. But I started giving him oral because I started reading dead bedroom boards on another site. I didn't want to kill my marriage because of sex. Even though I was killing with my lies and betrayal.
My BS is done with our marriage and I can't blame him. I realize I'm fully responsible for the state of my marriage…. or lack of marriage.
But I do love my BS with all my heart, I'm giving him everything he wants in the divorce. He has said the only way he can see a future with me is to divorce and start again after I got to IC.
I do start IC next Friday. And I will give BS the divorce and giving him everything he wants, because I know this isn't about me.
I have written and rewritten this post a lot, I want to share everything in hope to get guidance.
I do not want to be "old me" I'm seeking help and guidance from IC and SI. I have tried to get help from other sites but I never felt I was able to share my story in full out of fear of being call horrible names. But I need to hear it all from SI.
I'm working on accepting my fate of divorce I still go into a panic thinking about the divorce. I will follow through with my word and give BS everything he wants.
***Edit to try to keep this focused on my relationship not my custody choices.
[This message edited by 15yrsinthemaking at 11:18 PM, April 23rd (Friday)]
111 comments posted: Friday, April 23rd, 2021
Struggling with Whys
My story of infidelity, I met BS in the summer of 2005, I was 20 he was 24. When I met BS, I was already having sex with AP. BS and I started to date and a few weeks into dating he made it clear he didn't want to date me if I was going to be have sex with other people. I didn't stop seeing AP. This continued for 6 months. I ended it with AP on my own. During the 6 months of dating BS and having sex with AP my feelings flipped. Then the night came BS told me he Loved me. And I never slept with AP again. I ended my PA and ended all contact. BS didn't know about my PA until about a month after we moved in together and about 7 months after I ended the PA. He found out by reading my journal. He confronted me and I said yes I slept with him but I lied that I ever had feelings I said it was strictly FWB. AP had no emotional feelings towards me and I did like him. But I lied and said No I didn't have feeling for AP. At this point in time I'm 21 he is 25 and we were leaving together one month. We pushed through that. We never talked about it because I would panic and get defensive. And we still pushed through.
(My BS pointed out I monkey branched from AP to BS. After some reflection I can't deny that's what I did. My BS was made a plan B.)
Fast forward to 2013, I get a phone call from an "old friend" aka ex high school bf. And that sparked a 4 week EA. We texted all the time. We never saw each, never sent photos, never talked sexual or directly about feelings. I did develop feelings for him and instead of shutting it down. I continued to talk to EA and then I posted online on a forum, (missed connections) that I was having feeling for someone and that it wasn't my boyfriend. My BS did find this post when he used my phone the same night I posted. When he confronted me I lied and said yeah I wrote it but it was not to ex bf. I didn't talk about what happened and whenever BS tried I would get defensive and anxiety would run me over like a mac truck. We pushed on. Even before the night BS caught me he felt I was developing feeling for EA and I lied to him. I liked the way the new attention made me feel and I then persued it further. I for the second time in my relationship I made my BS a plan B. On the night of BS seeing my post we had sex and it was the first time I allowed BS to finish without a condom. I was high on adrenaline from making that post. I told my BS I was thinking about EA in Oct 2020. (I'm having a crappy time writing all this out)
We planned and had a baby got married before baby came. And then planned and had second baby all in 22 months. During that time we dealt with postpartum depression, moving, buying a car, breast feeding and income change. We just pushed on. During this time my BS would occasionally bring up my EA and I lied and rug swept. He was suffering and I was fearful and avoiding talking to him. He drank for a period of time and I was too scared to confront the elephant in the room. I just continued to be in fear and avoid what was coming.
Then we had a breaking point Sept / Oct 2020. BS finally asked me and demanded I tell him everything tell him to the truth. He just lost it and laid it all on the line. I told him yes I did have feeling for AP and when I posted online in 2013 it was to ex bf.
And since Sept/Oct 2020 we have been on a real rollercoaster. BS has not given up on me and we have never spent a night a part.
After my BS found out about the EA and I lied ... He wanted to believe me but he knew deep down and there was more. And I allowed him to feel like that and question himself for years.
I have done a lot of reading and deep thinking.
And I have learned a lot about myself. I'm a lier. I destroyed my BS. I no longer lie but I do not expect my BS to trust a word I say. But I do sincerely want to answer my whys.
reflection
I was self deserving, I was reckless with my health, my well-being my body and money. I wasn't following through with my school, technical college. When BS and I moved in together I dropped out of school and started working full time, in the field I was going to school for.
Entitled I dropped out even though school was paid for in full by my dad. I felt even though I started school and didn't want to finish I could. I was scared to tell my dad I was done with school. I didn't want to face his judgement or anger. I have an intense draw to lie or hide anything that will cause me to have to deal with anger or disappointment this is a change I'm activity working on. I remind myself I'm only in control of my emotional and reactions and I'm doing a crappy job at that. I'm confronting my fears on all front in my life. I'm becoming a person of integrity and honestly.
I'm having a problem giving my BS the why's that don't make him go well no shit tell me something I don't know.
**Edit to add: I'm still pushing myself to dig deeper and deeper for my whys. I have been having crazy nightmares and dreams... I'm remembering all sorts of the things from my childhood and from my relationship with my BS.
I'm seeing myself the lowest of low I'm very humbled by my BS and I see my fucked up ways. But most of all I want support my BS in any way I can. His wellbing and health and healing is my number one priority.***
[This message edited by 15yrsinthemaking at 4:10 PM, April 12th (Monday)]
15 comments posted: Monday, April 12th, 2021
Timelines
My timeline is from 15 years ago, I don't have dates but I gave all the information I can dig up. I searched through scrapbook/journals.
Do I add how I was feeling during certain times or do I just leave that part out and just put the actions?
I want to do this right...
2 comments posted: Tuesday, December 29th, 2020
I'm still messing up
I want to make my husband happy. I want to do the work and answer all the questions. I love him so much. I have betrayed his trust for 15 years.
How do I start to rebuild trust?
How do I start the conversation to keep the healing going?
39 comments posted: Saturday, December 26th, 2020
Family Affairs
During this process of self discovery and soul searching I discovered my dad's GF is married. It has been explained to me as she is "legally married" her divorce is stuck in the court system. My dad is fully aware of this. He is the one that let is slip. He accidentally told my older sister. My dad and his GF live in two different countries. She has come and spend Hollidays with our family. I'm really not sure what the truth is, my dad would never say anything bad about his GF.
Questions I keep running through my head...
*Does it have over 4 years to finalize a divorce?
*Is my Dad an OM?
*My dad met her before his divorce was finalize...timeline ... I don't know when they met.
*Is this any of my business.
But I did tell my H and he doesn't trust anything about the situation. And neither do I.
I already have issues with my dad but now I feel the issues are only growing. His divorce was not with my mom.
3 comments posted: Saturday, November 14th, 2020
Is there a light?
In August of 2005 I met who would become my future husband, I was 20 he had just turned 24. When I met H I was into another guy. But I started to date H because he was hot and so much more and he gave me crazy tingles. I really was starting to dig him. But I was unable to ditch the first guy. I took me almost loosing my now H before I stopped seeing the other guy and then even after H and I became a couple I cheated one more time. I never told H about this … he found out when he read my journal after we had moved in together. And I rug swept and lied and he believed me. I told my H that the other guy was just FWB. I thought it would just go away because in my heart I love my BF and the other guy was just a crush I had. Because of my lies about this my marriage is based on a cracked lied foundation. I knew I loved my BF then so lied to protect myself.
Fast Forward 7 years into our relationship, I had an EA, with a high school EX It started on Facebook then to text. During the time my H … then BF was aware of my “friendship” with this guy. But I wasn’t open about how I was truly feeling. My H had even asked me if I was started to like him… I lied. I don’t know when I started to have the feelings but that doesn’t matter. I lied. I had allowed myself to develop feeling for another person. I posted on a website how I was feeling about this other man and my BF and found it what I did because it was on my phone. I had left the post up on my phone and my BF needed to use my phone. So he found it. And I lied … I lied and said I was just writing. At the time when I told my BF this I never wanted to leave my BF or actually see the other man in person. I never physically say him… we only commutated via phone. When my BF found it I was so ashamed and scared he would leave me I deleted all the texts that were from the other guy.
I have never just come out clean to my H but I have nothing else to come clean to, he dug and dug and asked questions and then I told him. But it was TT and I have caused so much damage and pain. I have caused so much damage.
I have never done my husband right. I know I’m probable too late but I want to fight for my man. I have stolen his life I married him and had two children with him based on a lie. I know in my heart I love him and I want to do the right thing. I don’t know what to do… I do know I have NOT done the right thing EVER. I want to prove to him I can and want to change. I want to put in the hard work ahead of me. I’m no longer treading water in my marriage we are drowning. He is looking at having a trial separation. I want to do ever right step from here on out.
I don’t want to lie and I don’t want my husband to hate the fact he ever met me. I know that I can’t change the past but I want to make the future the best one I can. I want to take the right steps forward.
My H is a wonderful in every way you can image. I don’t deserve him but I want to be able to deserve him. I want to save my marriage.
Please tell me what I need to do? My H has given me a gift of a chance and I want to cherish this gift. So please with an open dose of vulnerably I’m asking for help to save my married.
I don't trust my own instincts or feelings. Up until now I have been making it worse. I need help.
-15yrs
8 comments posted: Monday, November 9th, 2020
Is there a light?
This was a duplicate post.... not sure how to delete
-15yrs
[This message edited by 15yrsinthemaking at 12:44 PM, November 9th (Monday)]
0 comment posted: Monday, November 9th, 2020
Is there a light?
there is light. But you have to care more about who you will become than who you will be with.
if that makes sense.
Do you lie? or tell yourself lies? I know you did before, I'm asking about now. Do you lie now?
[This message edited by Maia at 3:37 PM, November 9th (Monday)]
0 comment posted: Monday, November 9th, 2020
