I guess I am not the only one anymore

I had an EA that was disclosed at the end of 2020. Me and my AP never did anything sexual physically but would discuss sexual things with one another. Her and I shared a kiss on the cheek or on the hand but never actually kissed either. I disclosed to my wife and she was devastated. I have turned myself around and have been doing everything I can for the last year. Well, it turns out my wife has had 3 affairs since, one where she had sent sexual photos and videos and intended to meet up but didn't, one where she ended up making out with the guy and lying to me about what they were doing / who she was with, and now the most recent and probably longest being an EA turned PA with my friend. She told me about it last month and committed to cutting him off. Well, she did. For about 5 days. Then went back to talking to him, sending him sexual photos and messages and then meeting up with him while she told me she was out shopping for a Christmas present for me, which ended with her kissing him. All the while, she had told me she would do the Affair Recovery coaching with me, which we paid for, as well as sleeping with me and telling me she loved me. And I found all of this out because I sorted through her phone in the middle of the night on the 2nd night she has been home since staying with her father since her DDay. I am so broken about it, and I am sitting here at work trying not to have a panic attack. I have told her again that I want to work on things. She has now given me open access to her phone and has said she will show me her banking records and email whenever I ask. She told me it is over with him, that she told him days ago that she was going to be cutting him off once the coaching started. She still messaged him and convinced herself this was okay because "the course hadn't started yet." She is addicted to him, in limerance and has been lying to me about it all over again. I feel sick and sad and angry, and here I am doing my best to get through. I did what I did. I have not justified it and I never will. I didn't make her cheat. I didn't make her cheat again. I didn't make her cheat again after that, or after that. I didn't. Now she knows what it feels like to be ashamed and live in deception and be miserable. I don't see the same guilt or shame from her that I displayed, and maybe that is selfish of me, but I wish I did. I wish I could see how much this hurts her and how much she cares about how badly it hurts me. She made HIM buy "Not Just Friends" and tried to get him to read it, because she started to and was feeling guilty. She made him read it and see if "that story is like us". I hate that a book I bought for her to try and learn about herself and me was worked on with HIM. God I am so messed up right now. I love her to death and I want so badly to trust her and believe this time she really will do what she says, but I don't. I am trying to give her faith, because I can't give her my trust. My instinct is to just swallow this because I had an affair first, but I know that isn't right or fair. She is responsible for herself, and she didn't have to do what she did to me, just like I didn't have to do what I did to her. I am overall staying calm, but my mood can shift suddenly and it can hit me hard. I hope this is the beginning of a new chapter, because I cant take this again.

15 comments posted: Friday, December 31st, 2021

How to cope with the consequences

My situation is still ongoing as I am only 2 months out from D Day, but I am having a really rough time of it today. My wife went to stay with a mutual friend of ours for a while but came back and has been with me the last week ish because we both have COVID and have been taking care of each other. Some days are really good and we spend time together and talk and have a good time. Some days we are even intimate. Days like today are tough. She isn't able to tell me she loves me on these days and tells me I am going to lose her. I don't know how to cope with it. I want her so badly and I know I never should have done what I did if I truly wanted her, but I did and I still do. I want to respect her and give her what she wants, but I don't know how to take care of myself too. I can hear her in the other room singing sometimes and it just breaks my heart. Some days I look in her eyes and see love, but today I just see pain. How do I come to terms with the fact that I cheated, that it will probably lead to the end of a marriage with someone I truly love, and that I will be alone and it will be completely my fault?

3 comments posted: Sunday, January 10th, 2021

She is leaving, I deserve it

In all my life, I never believed I would be in this position. I never thought I would be facing a crumbling marriage and know in my heart that it is my fault. I never thought I would be a WH. I never thought I would hurt the woman I love so badly.

Both I and my wife are 23. We have been together for 7 going on 8 years and have been married for 3 going on 4. Ever since my wife and I met, I have had an unhealthy friendship that turned into a 3 year long emotional affair with a mutual friend of ours. It finally got to the point that I knew the two of them were going to talk, and that I couldn't live in this lie any longer. D Day was almost 3 weeks ago. I trickle truthed, I hid from my mistakes and I lied. I came clean completely within about 4 days, but by then I had caused an untold amount of damage to her, her trust in me, her security and to our relationship. We have been spending time together, doing activities and getting out of the house. I have been listening and repentant and working on myself and my problems. I am in IC and so is she.

2 nights ago she told me she wanted a divorce and that she was sure. Up until then, she told me she wasn't sure what she wanted, but now she is sure. My heart is broken. I know why she wants to leave, and looking at our marriage, that may be the best thing for her, but it is still painful. Its painful to know what I did to her. Its painful to remember our happy memories and ask myself why that wasn't enough for me. Its painful to know I am just a bucket with a thousand holes in it, and that my wife and my family and my friends kept trying to fill me up and make me happy, but that I was broken and couldn't accept it. I just kept chasing what I thought would make me feel better, and in the process I destroyed my marriage, betrayed my wife, betrayed myself and destroyed both of our lives. I have gone no contact with the AP as soon as all of this happened, and I have been trying desperately to fix things, but she seems to have made up her mind. I am hopeful she changes her mind, because I love her and I want to be with her, but more than anything I want her to be happy, and that probably means being as far from me as she can be. I'm really just messed up right now and I feel like garbage. I am still trying to repair my marriage, but I am also trying to repair myself.

I guess I just needed to vent to people who would understand. Sorry if this is rambling or not welcome here. I know I made mistakes and I know I don't deserve a second chance, it just doesn't make it any easier. I want my wife and I want her to be happy, but I don't know if having both is possible.

2 comments posted: Friday, December 4th, 2020