Husband/sister madhatter-update

During the month between when my husband told me his latest version of the events from 21 yrs ago, until the moment I decided to ask my sister about it (Jan 25 – around Feb 23), he and I got into some of the worst arguments we have had since my affair back in 2009. Things got very ugly for about a week off and on, with lots of crying, yelling, defensiveness, and confusion. I was asking him to simply be consistent. I was beginning to feel crazy because he would say one thing, take it back and say the opposite and be defensive, agree I was right and he was wrong and be contrite, then say it again, take it back, etc.. I felt like I was losing my mind so I said I was going to record our arguments, which he did not want me to do. I told him I wanted to be able to go back to hear what he said because I felt like I was really going nuts with all of the back and forth. Like are you contrite and remorseful or are you going to get defensive and bring up shit from my A so we no longer focus on what you are doing wrong?! Pick one and stick with it because the back and forth was horribly confusing and frustrating. He even went so far one awful night to accuse me of emotional abuse. I brought it up to our MC and she said the examples he used were NOT emotional abuse at all. He now agrees and has apologized for saying that to me. I really do think he was using it because I had brought up his poor treatment of me after my A. But to be accused of that absolutely destroyed me. I was very distraught trying to understand how I could have done that to him in the ways that he mentioned.

So now it’s a few weeks after that and he has been much better. The few times I brought things up, he remained calm, remorseful, answered questions appropriately, etc…i.e..saying all the right things. But also I think things are better because I haven’t talked much about it or brought it up.

Sister update: I went to my sister, about 1.5 weeks ago, with husband’s latest version of events from 20 years ago. I went into the conversation completely expecting her to deny what he said happened. He had asked me before I did that if we could take him for a polygraph and when completed bring that with me when I speak with her. I did not do this.

I calmly and with zero emotion told her what he said happened and she calmly with zero emotion denied his version of events. She did say she can see how perhaps her behavior and attitude at the time could have been misconstrued as interest and that she did have a crush on him but she then said “I had crushes on all your boyfriends over the years”. She gave me a tiny bit different version of the way she originally told me what happened.

She said that he expressed being sexually frustrated, she told him to “take care of himself” and he said “oh you mean like right now?” and she said “yeah I don’t care” and so he proceeded to do so. She explained to me that she always wanted to appear cool and like nothing bothered her, so she felt like she was doing that then as well. She said she takes ownership for that part, but nothing else. She remains completely fine with him, and expressed that she is still not angry at him. In fact, a few days after our conversation she asked how things were at home, I said they are fine, and she said “Ok so can we plan our family vacation now then?”

Here's the craziest thing…I am numb to all of it right now. I feel ZERO emotion at all about any of it. What is going on with me? Where did all the rage, anger, sadness go? Especially in the face of more conflicting information. It’s like a switch was flipped! I am not numb in general (I.e. watched an episode of This is US and got teary eyed over missing my kids when they were little), so I don’t think it’s like an overall depression. And I even feel more motivated in the past few days to do more around the house, looked more into getting my master’s, looked at some job opportunities. I have been reading The Body Keeps the Score, which is a great book by the way.

I also had a meeting with an attorney about what moving forward with separation or divorce would look like. I didn’t get any numbers unfortunately (like what I could hope to expect with alimony, etc) but she really didn’t think my A would have any bearing and his only would if we decided to go FAULT. She doesn’t recommend that because its always ugly, expensive, time consuming and likely wouldn’t get me much more money anyway.

Not much else to report but he is being super hero husband these days, laying it on thick 24-7. He keeps trying to plan an overnight getaway and I keep putting it off because I feel like he’s doing that in hopes I will have sex with him. Not happening!

51 comments posted: Tuesday, March 2nd, 2021

Madhatter-husband and sister

Looking for thoughts and advice as my mind is blown. Some back story is that I had an A 11 years ago; physical, emotional, the whole bit for months. I ended up ending the A and telling my husband about it. (To this day I regret that decision 100%) We stayed married although he feels I never really gave him the appropriate remorse. He was abusive to me in the aftermath, which was out of character for him, and he says now he suffered a "nervous breakdown" at the time which is the reason he acted that way. He had thrown things at me, spat on me, interrogated me for hours on end, days at a time in a small room, and even dragged me by my hair across our front lawn. He also went and told every single person we knew. It was all very brutal: for him, for me, for those that were enmeshed in the situation. Well, we have slowly gotten back to a state of normalcy.

Fast forward to this past Sept...my younger sister (by 8 years) confided in me she was having some marital problems. I tried to warn her off of anything resembling an affair, reminded her of the consequences of what I did, how it hurt so many people. She then said she was triggered, because she remembers my husband dragging me through the mud in front of my whole family after my A.

She revealed to me, through tears and a heaving chest, an incident that happened 20 years ago which would have made it 9 years before my A. She had been staying at our house as she often did, and I was in bed. Apparently my husband came downstairs with no pants on and they had a very erotically charged and inappropriate conversation where according to my sister he expressed feeling sexually frustrated and she said "well she (meaning me) just had a baby so why don't you take care of yourself". Then my husband proceeded to lay on the floor and masturbate in front of her. He was 31 at the time and she was in high school. They apparently, unbeknownst to me, had some type of "emotional affair" and "Crush" as he now puts it. He says it wasn't about being physically attracted to her, but it was more about how she made him feel. According to him she laughed at all his jokes, knew all the words to all of his music that he wrote, and genuinely seemed to like spending time with him. We were newly married and I had just had our son. I had NO idea he was unhappy at that time, and I look back at that time of our life as a relatively happy one. He told me he was very immature at the time, and felt more like an 18 y.o. My parents say he was very immature as well. I dont think that's an excuse but apparently it is for some!

Then my sister said there was a second incident- where my husband came downstairs where she was sitting in the family room(we were all staying at my parents house while our home was being rehabbed), and he had no pants on. Just a sweatshirt. She swears nothing happened and they just had normal conversation and he was covered the whole time.

I also just recently found out they had smoked pot together a handful of times during that period and he had asked her not to tell me. Not that I care about anyone smoking pot, but it's yet another secret between him and MY BABY SISTER. So now he has done something sexually inappropriate in front of my underaged (at the time) sister AND done illegal (at the time) drugs with her, but then 9 years later acted like a goddamned saint when he was treating me like a criminal for having a plain old affair, with an adult male. I also found out through some TT that this EA went on for quite some time and there were nights of "night swims" where the 2 of them would have hours long conversations...he didnt feel judged and like he could say anything to her. Whatever that means.

To make matters even more insane...when my A came out 11 years ago, and my husband was being abusive to me and our life was hell, my sister told my mother and our other sister about what my husband had done years before because she knew she had something that could really ruin him if it came out, and she apparently was thinking could stop him from treating me so poorly. She thought he was a hypocrite for treating me that way when she knew what HE did with her years earlier. NO ONE TOLD ME! Their excuses now for not telling me run from "I thought you knew" to "we didnt want to make a bad situation worse and cause the kids to be affected" to "I cant remember".

I am sick over this. Sick that he did that in front of my sister. Sick that no one told me. And sick that he could treat me that way after my A when he had already done something that in my mind was not just immoral but also criminal. She was in high school for godssakes!

Fast forward to now, and he took the opportunity to move out for 3 mos to another state for work. Totally out of character for him. Normally he is up my behind and doesnt ever want to be away from me. He for years after the A monitored my every move and even up until recently I would send him pics when I went out so he wouldnt think I was with the AP.

He SWEARS he never did anything else outside of our marriage and one day just realized what he had to lose so he stopped the situation with my sister when I was pregnant with our second child.

I am struggling to believe him. This behavior of his was a total shock to me and to the few people I have shared it with who know him. He is usually shy and has never flirted with any of my friends. No one has ever told me anything inappropriate about him.

Also, I had bought him a dashcam for christmas last year because both my kids have them and they have proven invaluable to have proof of reckless driving etc in case of an accident. So being that my husband is an on the road salesman, I thought it was a great idea. He never installed it. Both times I asked him, before I knew any of this, why he didnt and he blamed it on not knowing how. But I call bullshit because he does LOTs of wiring of electrical, music equipment, etc. WOuld you be paranoid about that?

There's so much more to process, but this is the gist. We are both in IC and I'm trying to take it day by day. I have finally found a MC that we will start in Jan. I have already told him I am not sure I can continue in this marriage but I want the opportunity for us to discuss everything with a professional.

My sister and I and my whole family, we are all very close. We do meals several times a month, vacations every year, every birthday and holiday. I feel like a fool for this having gone on and I had no clue for all these years.

Of course I understand so much of why he may have done it, but I just wish he could have had an affair with a grown woman I didnt know. LIke that I could wrap my head around.

I welcome any thoughts or suggestions.

59 comments posted: Thursday, December 17th, 2020