Taking responsibility can be tough

I'm new here but have read quite a number of these threads. As some background, I am a 51 year old male, married for 25 years. I have two daughters, ages 16 and 18. I am going to relate my story, and I realize that when someone is hurt, the magnitude and severity probably mean very little, but my story is not nearly as involved as some on here.

Please understand that anything I say here is not to minimize, but for better understanding. As for my marriage, I would say it's "okay" and can be good at times. My wife likely has asperger's or something similar. She shies away from affection, and simply appears incapable of initiating anything physical. This includes hugs, kisses, or sex. When I kiss her, she pulls away after a second or two. If I hug her, she pushes me away fairly quickly. Sex happens at most twice per month, but usually only once. The ONLY time she says I love you is if I say it first, and then it's always just "love you too". Sex is fine when we have it, through she hates oral sex (giving or receiving) and thinks it's disgusting. I personally love that.

My children have suffered from this as well (not the sex part). She rarely offers anything resembling affection and her typical response is to push for more. When a child says "I made a 90 on my test!" her response is, "okay, why not a 95?" In this regard, my children have always relied on me for that. Hugs, positive reinforcement, etc. almost always come from me. In some ways, the relationship is almost the exact oposit of the cliche' aloof/stoic dad and the tender mother figure. My children have suffered from this, and one had to seek counseling for it.

My wife has some very good traits too. She is a hard worker. We co-own a company and she is a great boss and is very good at what she does. She is also very good at sewing and taking care of things that the kids need from a material perspective. We share the cooking and cleaning roles equally.

I have my faults too of course. I am not the best with money. I can get a little hotheaded sometimes. I also am a procrastinator by nature. This drives her crazy since she is the "get it out of the way" type. Her love languages are "acts of service and quality time". Mine are "Words of affirmation and physical touch". Both of mine ranked at the bottom for her.

One of my biggest hobbies is playing and recording music (guitar, banjo, mandolin, bass) and singing. I can't say I'm great, but I'm not bad. I have a home studio and record my own songs (I write songs as well). My wife never compliments this and has never been supportive of it. The reason I mention this, is because this is where the OW comes in. When I play something I have recorded for my wife, she usually just says "it's okay" or "I don't like that!" For someone who puts that much effort into something, it's frustrating to get zero support from your spouse.

Two years ago, on a large (non-dating) online forum, I met a nice lady in another country. We became penpals and eventually I shared my music with her and she immediately thought it was awesome. Over the past two years, we have grown closer through email and through Kik. She would help me write songs and then would offer support. I have never met this person in real life and had no intention to do so. Again, she is an ocean away. Through this time, she and I started sharing emojis, smiley faces, etc. then hearts, then eventually I love you was said, and we both said it. I did/do love her as a friend, but really not as a partner.

My wife saw a conversation that included "I love you" and some hearts and went ballistic. And rightfully so. It crossed a line in the sand that should never be crossed. My daughter (18) heard the argument and was pissed that I would do that and that I would put our family in jeopardy. I apologized to my wife and to my daughter, and I immediately contacted the OW and let her know that we cannot talk anymore. I deleted Kik and any other forms of communication.

But now I feel "empty". I guess the ego kibbles of having someone to really talk to, to share my passion for music with, and to get support from really filled a void in my life. Even though we were never sexual or met in person, it was nice to have someone to give me affection of that kind. Just someone who appears to truly like what I do and what I create? DD was yesterday and I'm very much working with my wife for her needs, although she isn't good at expressing them. I have also discussed with my daughter and she is okay. But I still feel helpless and empty. Thinking of spending another 25 years with no affection, very little sex, and no words of affirmation is really hard to bear.

Maybe in a few years when the kids are out of school, I might consider moving on. But I know that would hurt my wife too, and it would also likely end our business. Also, even though they would be mostly out of the house, it would still hurt my kids. I know it's selfish of me, but I feel like I am constantly giving for this relationship and I get very little in return. I felt this way even before the "friendship".

So, that is my story. It's not overly exciting and I typed a LOT here. I realize that I am projecting onto my wife and acting as if she caused what I did. I guess in some ways I feel that way. At some point, a person starved of attention has to find it somewhere. We have had talks about this and she never changes. I have asked for counseling (marriage) and she refuses because she has a fear of being told she is at fault. I know I will miss my friend, and I have a strong urge to reach out to her. But, that would be wrong on many levels and I will resist. I anticipate that in time that desire will ease. And, to be clear, I do love my wife very much.

I appreciate you guys taking the time to read all of this. What do I want here? I guess some will power not to reach out to the OW and also maybe I need a smack in the head for wrongful thinking about all of this. I'm just at a loss.

22 comments posted: Tuesday, December 29th, 2020