My story is a little crazy

Okay so I am totally new here. I am a WS. Dday was 4 months ago when my husband left me on suspicions of having a PA. The way he left was very extreme and made up many different reasons/excuses for why he left (I.e. he thinks he's gay, he fell out of love with me, he was unhappy, etc). He turned around and told my pastor and other people in my life that he believed I was having an affair. At that point, I admitted that I had an EA. The story behind the EA is before BS and I got together, I had a brief relationship with AP. We worked together. I got together with BS and got pregnant and quit that job. I didn't talk to AP until our child was around 6 weeks old when AP reached out to me. Instead of turning him down, I engaged in conversation with him. We talked a lot about school (we're in the same profession and he's established in the career I'm achieving), our old job, and sometimes it got sexual. We used to talk on the phone until like 3 am and it would just be about nothing at all. We would exchange pictures and stuff. We talked on and off until right before our wedding. We hung out one time when I went to his house just because I wasn't sure if I should get married or not to my husband when I had feelings for AP. We hung out and I left. When I left he texted me "wow I can't believe you didn't even kiss me." That's when I knew I wanted to go forward with the marriage. We stopped talking. He was even at the bar the night before my wedding and I didn't even say hi to him. Fast forward to this summer, my BS and I moved to a new neighborhood and lo and behold, guess who lives there. I didn't know because I hadn't spoke to him in years and he got a new car. I only found out because I had been going for jogs and one day on my job I got a text when I stopped to take a break and it was AP saying "you know you can always stop and say hi when you walk/run by". I was shocked. I didn't even know he was there let alone that he had seen me. I should have told him to fuck off, but I didn't. I didn't go over there that day but one day when I took my son to the playground I saw him on the porch and we walked up and said hi. We started texting and chatting again after that. He would invite me over and I would always decline. It was easy to do that with a kid. A couple times I did go over to hang out but it never escalated physically. He played me music on his guitar because I went inside ONCE. Two other times were outside on his porch with his friends. And once or twice I went and smoked cigarettes with him at 3 am because I couldn't sleep, alone, on his porch. That would be the only time it got physical because he rubbed his hands on the outside of my thighs. After that, we didn't hang out in person until my BS left. When my BS left, it got physical with AP. I admitted to the EA and my BS started seeing someone too (he didn't admit this until later) because he asked for a divorce. Then things ensued and I got a PFA on him. I ended up dropping the PFA because his mother reached out to me and asked if I would consider reconciliation. So I decided that I would and dropped the PFA. Then we started talking. That's when we both admitted our physical hook ups with people. We talked and agreed that we wanted to work things out. Then his partner (I don't wanna call her an AP because it was when we were separated as far as I know he didn't have a relationship with her when we were together) became a problem for us. He had "strong feelings" for her and couldn't stop talking to her. So I threatened to walk away because I wasn't going to sit by while he had a girlfriend and say we're working on our marriage. So that caused a rift for us. He has his own apartment now and the lease is up in November 2021. After he got rid of this girl he said that we need to "only talk about our son" and that we could not "see each other or have sex for a year". So then I just got confused. He was a total dick to me during the months of November and December because he works for Fedex so he was stressed at work. Well he didn't get me a Christmas present but I got him one so he came over for 30 minutes on Christmas to get it. Then he invited me over the following weekend and we had sex and that takes us to where we are now.

I invited him to come spend NYE with me and our son because I was going to be alone. I told him it could be a nice start for us in the realm of reconciliation. He said "ok I'll let you know" with heart emojis and stuff. Then on NYE he tells me he's going to take a nap. Then I periodically hear from him throughout the night but nothing after 8 pm. Then at 3 am he texted me Happy New Year. The next day he picked up our son and he told me he went out drinking and asked me if I had fun. Then three times after that he extended an invitation to me to stay over his place earlier in the day but then later in the day just never brought it up again. The first time was 1. we were fighting so he assumed that I realized we shouldn't be spending time together again. The second time 2. I was "acting like" I didn't want to come over so he just didn't ask me. The third time he said it was because I wasn't feeling well and he thought I was too sick to come over. However, each time he didn't tell me until after it was too late to come over that he "revoked" my invitation. Now it just feels like he's always disappearing and not holding up conversation with me. Last night I had a mental breakdown and he passed me off to my mother and my sister and just stopped replying to me. He ended up texting my sister later and asked her if I was okay but never followed up with me. I have him blocked right now because I am hurt. He didn't even bother to tell me goodnight or anything.

I guess my question is... has anyone gone through this where their BS was causing emotional turmoil for them? Did it stop? Is he trying to teach me a lesson or does he really want to reconcile? He doesn't care that I still live by AP. He doesn't care that I see AP at work occasionally. I asked him if he was doing all this so that he could get me back and that he doesn't really want to reconcile. He says that's not the case and he does want to reconcile. I just am so confused. How long will this go on for? This is affecting my physical health I have had migraines for weeks and right now dealing with nausea so bad I can't eat. I'm not saying I don't deserve any of this, but I just don't know how long this part lasts.

8 comments posted: Thursday, January 7th, 2021