Getting through difficult days

This week is proving to be very difficult for me. I just started on an anti-depressant for the first time, and I don't know if it is the medication or not, but I am slugging through my weekly work. I don't feel like reading, I don't feel like journaling, I don't feel like talking to anyone. I just want to sleep and forget about my problems. Regardless, I am keeping up with everything that I need to do including going to SAA tonight. But I am not as excited as I usually am about attending. I do not expect results any time soon, but I hope that over time her trust will be earned back as well as her love. That's what I keep in mind during days like this.

5 comments posted: Wednesday, February 17th, 2021

Finally deciding to take things serious

I just wanted to say that I am the luckiest man in the world. I have a wife that I do not in any way deserve, and she seems to be giving me a chance that I never earned.

I am finally on medication for my depression. This is a step that i'd never taken in the past. Although I don't expect it to be a cure all, I hope that it will take my thoughts out from the dark place it usually ends up when I am alone. I have hope for the future as I continue this journey and continue doing these things such as therapy, reading, attend SAA, and journal. I didn't want to say much besides things are slowly turning around as I take sole responsibility for my actions. Thank you for all of your support thus far. It means a lot.

0 comment posted: Monday, February 15th, 2021

Need an opinion on wife's friend

Alright guys,

I know i've been all over the place recently, but this is a large part of that reason.

So back about 2 years ago I became close with my best friend's brother-in-law. Long story short, my wife and him became kinda close friends too. I was a bit uncomfortable with it, but i'd already cheated at that point, so I had to chill.

Well, we had another fall out about almost exactly a year ago. We separated for a few months. I found out that while we were separated he had invited her to hang out with him because he heard about what happend from another source. I thought he would know better than to interfere, but he attempted to comfort my wife. From what i've been told, nothing happend. However, my wife told me she had to question whether she could possibly have feelings for him or not which she decided she didn't. Well, I decided after that that it was best that I am not friends with him because I didn't like for the little amount of time we knew each other that he could involve himself and comfort my wife while were separated(he also told me a story of how he almost had an affair with his friend's wife while his friend was deployed.) He called me some choice words which I did the same times 10.

After that I basically told my wife that there was no way they could be friends because it made me extremely uncomfortable. She refused which threw me into a small manic state. I was flipping out and I didn't know how to handle that because that was the first time that she'd ever chose another guy over me, or atleast that's how it felt. I know I didn't have a right to tell her to do so, but I was freaking out. Anyways, she said her goodbyes.

Well, I did the same thing I did last year and went on a cam site, and we are once again separated. As it turned out, a week after separating she told me that she had contacted him to apologize about everything. She did this the day that I left the house. I knew that she's always wanted to apologize, so I was fine with this. But I asked if that was it and she looked at me like I was stupid. She told me that they continued to talk and almost hung out and that there was nothing I could do about it. I cannot make her block him again. I asked to read through their messages and she showed me. There is nothing worrisome, but she they did both ask to hang out with each other until he said no, luckily. And they both expressed how they missed talking to each other. It seemed platonic, but I don't trust him. My best friend told me he doesn't necessarily trust his brother in law either.

So a few points:

He told me he almost had an affair with his best friend's wife while he was deployed.

She is in a very vulnerable state.

She didn't hesitate to message him the day that I left the house.

She once questioned whether she might have feelings for him.

I don't have access to her messages, so I can't see what they are saying when i'm not around.

Im incredibly scared and i don't like that she flat out refused considering the history. she refuses to let me bring it up again despite how it is driving me insane. I mean it is really driving me crazy. I can't sleep. I want to die because I feel so much less now.

This is a delicate situation because I know what I did and I have no leg to stand on here. But I hope you all have some understanding of my fears. please help. Am i crazy? Am i wrong?

3 comments posted: Wednesday, February 10th, 2021

"Divorce is avoidance"

This is what someone said in my last post. Obviously, that is not always the case. But in my case, it was.

I'm scared to be around people because I am afraid they won't like me. Sometimes I like to act like I push them away because I am afraid of hurting them, but the truth is I don't always mind hurting people if I get what I want in the end. I am afraid of them finding out that I used them and of rejected thereafter.

I am TERRIFIED of rejection. So what is my solution? Run away. That is always my answer. What caused my infidelity? Running away. I was afraid of dealing with all of the insecurities inside of me? What insecurities? Not being smart enough, not being funny enough, not being sexy enough, not being able to make a solid decision ever, people leaving me for someone else(even though I learned to do the same thing), not being Christian enough, being afraid to reveal the darkest parts of myself. I carry these things around with me everywhere I go and it has caused me nothing but chaos. The amount of decisions I make in life based on my insecurities is ridiculous.

I just need to get this all out there and I probably will have to do the same thing again later down the road because the truth is these things don't go away so easily. I think I will carry some of this damage around with me for the rest of my life. I hope one day I will learn to accept them, but be able to continue on in a positive way.

Divorce is avoidance. I was avoiding working hard, confronting my fears, letting go of my pride, and admitting that I was entirely wrong. Thank you for your guidance. Pray for me. I want this marriage to work too and I know I can't rely on motivation because of how I am wired. So pray for my discipline. Pray that I do the right thing when it is easier to do the wrong thing. Thank you.

6 comments posted: Tuesday, February 9th, 2021

Is divorce the right thing to do?

You can read my story on here. It's quite long and ive created quite the list of infidelities.

My question is is it time to divorce? Its a very difficult thing to do and I almost did it last night, but I didn't. I'm not sure I can ever be the man that she needs me to be. I'm finding myself to be very frustrated with the situation. I'm far more frustrated than I am compassionate towards her. I am feeling emotionless at this point. Please help.

6 comments posted: Monday, February 8th, 2021

Self Healing

A difficult part of this whole process is persevering even when things are difficult. I made a promise to myself that even if my wife leaves, then I will continue the process of healing. The thing is if we don't do this for ourselves, then we are likely to fail. We have to want to get better for ourselves even more than we want to get better for our spouse. I'm not going to say that is your experience, but it has been mine thus far. See, I failed time after time and I realized that as much as I wanted to get better for her I found myself depressed and still hating myself over all of my past mistakes. All of that depression and self hatred made the temptations all the more appealing because I just wanted something, anything to make me feel better. Again, this may not have been your experience, but this is what I found with myself.

1 comment posted: Friday, February 5th, 2021

Tips for things I should be doing?

As a wayward, I am doing my best to journal every day, see a therapist once a week, starting couple's counseling this week, reading a book about infidelity, and posting to this forum. But are there other vital things that I should be doing?

1 comment posted: Monday, February 1st, 2021

Discipline

I just want to encourage myself and others to keep going and to do everything you can to heal your marriage even when it gets tough. If you manage to successfully allow your wife to heal and be a faithful spouse, then you will look back on these times and feel pride in being able to step up and be the person you should have been the whole time. Thank you!

1 comment posted: Sunday, January 31st, 2021

Update/Request

Thank you if you are taking the time to read this. The first thing I want to say(and this is of no offense to those who took the time to try to help me), but please do not PM me if you are a female. I appreciate it a lot, but I cannot take any chances when interacting with women. I have feelings that are beyond my control and am not in a good place to be PMing any women. Thank you.

I am still giving my wife her space. It is difficult on her, so I am considering leaving to my parent's house for a week. I also got a book and workbook to work on my sexual addiction from home on my own. I am not putting a lot of hope in it to cure me because that's basically impossible, but I am sure it will do me wonders to understand and control myself. Thank you all.

2 comments posted: Saturday, January 30th, 2021

Daily check-in/Seeking program

Hello all,

I just posted my story yesterday. It has been very helpful to just type this all out and be part of a community that I can relate to.

Since i'm here I wanted to ask anyone who might have some experience. Affair Recovery is a great program from what I hear. But are there any cheaper options that you know of? It's very expensive and I will spend the money if I need to, but maybe there's other options that are just as effective? Thank you.

3 comments posted: Friday, January 29th, 2021

New Member - My Story

Hello everyone,

My name is Josh. My wife and I have been married for almost 8 years. The story of my cheating pre-dates the marriage.

During the time that my wife and I were dating I had flirted with many girls in person and through other means such as texting which I believed at the time to be innocent flirting. Well, I eventually joined the military, and since we were not married yet we were separated by a couple of hours. I am a shy person, so I spent most of my time alone in my dorm. Eventually I got myself a laptop and started to explore cam sites. I quickly became addicted and spent money I didn't even have on these sites.

We got married not soon after I arrived at my base, but the cam site visits continued up until very recently. Well, things inevitably escalated because I hadn't told anyone about my problems or even seen any of it as a problem. I don't remember when it started, but maybe around 2017 I began occasionally going to massage parlors. I felt disgusting afterward, but it gave me the thrill that I was looking for. This then drove me to looking into prostitutes, and although I never got with one I contacted a lot of them because even contacting them gave me that sense of excitement that I was searching for. This is all happening behind my wife's back and while pretending to be a good and loving husband.

Well, fast forward to September of 2018 and my wife's father passed of cancer. Idk what happend, but something flipped the night before her father's funeral and I downloaded every dating app there was. I ended up getting a hotel using a credit card and sleeping with a random girl the night of her father's funeral. I did a lot of things, but I wasn't sure I ever considered it cheating. This point I knew I had cheated and it drove me literally crazy. After that I slept with 3 other girls over the course of about a month and half. I also went to a strip club and spent almost $2k for some basically nude lap dances.

Well, my wife heard my phone vibrating one night and as much as I resisted showing her I knew it was over. She looked through my phone and was torn to a million billion pieces. She asked me question after question, but I only gave her pieces of information and never the whole picture in fear that she would leave me. This came back to bite me many times. But in the end and after taking time to herself she decided she wanted to stay and work things out.

I got out of the military in 2019 and we moved into her mom's house temporarily. Over the time that we were there I betrayed her several times by downloading apps, going on cam sites, watching porn. She kicked me out of her mom's house in February of 2020 after finding out I made a snapchat that I used to talk to women. During our separation I did do some things, but I did not tell her about any of it. We worked things out again and got an apartment. I even went on some cam sites while at this apartment and she didn't know about that either until recently.

Around August/September of 2020 I decided to get serious about getting myself together. And I have been clean from everything but porn since then. But my wife and I had still had intimacy issues and it caused a fight the other day. That night she decided to sleep in another room and I was tempted and got on a cam site to try to see if someone would flash me. Well, she caught me talking to someone and here I am. The night she caught me I told her everything there was to know. I told her about all of the massage parlors, cam sites, prostitutes, the girls she didn't know about. I told her everything. Our marriage is hanging on by a literal thread and she is debating whether to stay and I am doing everything right now to convince her to. Either way, I know I have a lot of issues that I need to work through, so i'm committed to working through this all whether she stays or not. But I hope she does.

1 comment posted: Thursday, January 28th, 2021