What did I expect 😔

So in December, my wife was looking at my ig account through her profile and she checked my followers and saw that my ex and I were following each other. She immediately stated that I was cheating and I was completely caught off guard by her words and her actions. She demands my phone and looks through my messages and sees that my ex and I did converse but the only thing that was said from my part to my ex was “idiot.” Of course my wife didn’t like that and was mad about it and kicked me out of our place. I later that night messages my ex and old her what was going on, not looking for pity or anything, and I know that I shouldn’t have told her that my wife was mad and I understand that. So I then return home and we talk and things are still sour, but they’re ok. My wife wants access to all of my stuff Including my phone which I happily oblige to. She a few days Oda by and she goes through my phone again and sees that I have an OnlyFans account and I was subscribed to see photos of other women. I would get on and look out of curiosity but not often enough to even remember that I ever had it. So she see the onlyfans account and is livid which I understand. Who wouldn’t be mad, right? She asked why I had it and I tell her that it was purely out of curiosity and that was it. My social media friends made accounts and I wanted to see. A lot was said and done and I was so mad and full of pride. I didn’t want to be with her because I felt like I was always failing her. I failed her in many ways that I thought that she would be happier without me so I was giving up. She begged me to stay but I always thought that she would be better off without me because I am a crappy person sometimes if not all the time. I don’t have much going for me. I told her that I didn’t love her because of how I saw myself.

I realize that I do want our marriage to work and I want to prove to my wife that I do want our marriage. She’s obviously very hurt and I lost her trust. I have given up everything that was a distraction to me be it video games, social media, marijuana and friends.

I pray everyday and night especially so to St. Jude for our marriage.

I’m not sure what I’m looking for on here. I guess I just feel alone because of the damage that I have caused to my wife and our families.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 4:27 PM, February 13th (Saturday)]

4 comments posted: Friday, February 12th, 2021