still going back and forth!?

hi! i posted my story more then a year ago... here is my link. https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums/?tid=651598&HL=77302

basically i am 29 almost 30, i found out my bf of almost 3 years was messaging, sexting, flirting and had 1 make out during our relationship. ...to be honest i dont think i even know the half of it.
turns out this was a pattern he had done with his last 2 gfs but physically cheated on them quite a bit.

We live in a small town so staying away from him was impossible when he'd come to my house all the time to cry and be sorry.
I moved to the states to travel nurse 3 months after the break up (im from canada).
i have gone no contact numerous times. but somehow he seems to always find a way to communicate with me.
he went to counselling for a little and he now does not deny what he did. however he still will not go into too much detail.
anywho, this summer we ended up seeing each other a lot. he did so much for me, planned so many nice things etc. He is always saying how he is changing, he loves me so much and that he doesn't want anyone else.
I am going crazy...i thought that by a year i would be over him and maybe back in the dating scene...i havent been on one date. We currently have been facetiming and texting for the last 2.5 months. I have never once told him i want to be with him. i am always straight up and tell him i will never trust him again. but he continues and obviously i continue to talk. he is one of the closest people to me,

i am going to go no contact again because i know im wasting my time. but every time i do this it feels like a break up again.

my biggest fear is ill never find a guy with the same values as me. or that im making the wrong decision and his change is real

Seriously, why is this so hard? i thought id be way past this.

Just looking for any advice. probably need some hard honesty.

15 comments posted: Sunday, March 6th, 2022