Sex after infidelity?

Curious about how sex resumed post infidelity. I wouldn't mind hearing perspectives from WW and the BS. Brief background. DDay was 12/18/20. I had been having casual sex with strangers and escorts for 8 years. We have been together 11 years. I 100% gave her access to everything and told her the truth about every question she asked. She even saw videos of my affairs. As painful as it was to disclose everything at once I just did it. I was done lying and just needed to get everything out. She was no doubt crushed and badly traumatized. I have completely owned my terrible behaviors and have taken all the blame for betraying her, putting her at risk, putting our family at risk(3 kids), and living a double life. I have and will continue to work as hard as I can to save my marriage and be the husband she always deserved. I have been in IC counseling since DDay and we have been in Marriage counseling since DDay too. We started a new MC in July who has been incredibly helpful compared to our first MC, who did very little if anything to help us. My wife is as happy as she can be with my response and we are attempting R. A brief background about my wife and some current concerns. Let me preface this with the fact that I am not justifying any of my previous behaviors in anyway. My wife has always battled alcoholism and depression. I was always forthcoming about my dissatisfaction with my wife always needing to be drunk to have sex throughout our entire marriage. She used to say it was because she didn't feel sexy and the alcohol helped. Post DDay her story changed and she said she never wanted sex because she never felt connected to me, and my affairs explained why to her. Now, understandably, she will not have sex with me because the trauma and triggers regarding sex. Over time I developed belief that my wife was not attracted to me sexually and needed alcohol to go through with sex. We might have had sober sex once a year on average. She has always battled depression. We had the typical hysterical bonding sex early after DDay. After the initial phase sex was happening on occasion, but rarely and alcohol had to be involved. My wife has now been sober for over a month, but sex has completely gone away. I am proud of her staying sober, and I am glad to know if we have sex again it will be with her feelings not muted with the booze. I now know that feeling wanted meets my psychological need for esteem. I will not go back to my old ways, continue to shit on my integrity, and lose my family because of to meet his need. Can anyone add some perspective on how long if ever it took for sex to return? Does sex ever improve for the BS, and is it always tainted. Now my wife is a better looking person that me. I am in good shape and nice looking, but women have never thrown themselves at me etc. I seriously wonder if she is attracted to me in that way. Our first year together the sex was great, but I wonder if I have just done to much damage at this point. I honestly think she deserves to be with someone she desires in that way.

2 comments posted: Monday, October 25th, 2021

Texting the opposite sex, advice?

I am WH and we are 9 months in from DDAy. I was unfaithful to my wife for many years. They were always discreet casual encounters with no relationship. We have come a long way and are finally on a path to reconciliation. I love her so much. My wife has always had a lot of guy friends that she texts and talks with. Shortly after DDay she had an online affair with an old boyfriend, sexting sending pics etc. She shared a lot of our marital problems with at least 5 of her guy friends early in the process. I 100% percent don’t fault her for any of this and understand she was doing what she could to cope. She broke communications with Joe (the online affair guy). I have recently told her that I struggle with all the guys she texts with, and she said I can look at the messages anytime I want. So yesterday we were not connecting, and I asked to read the texts with one of her friends, Jeff. There was nothing scandalous, but a lot of what I read made me sad. They are close friends, and he does seem to care about her. They share a ton of memes with each other. Some of them are sexual in nature, but like funny. They have said they love each other to each other via text. He has told her that he loves her and she has told him that she loves him at least once that I saw. That was within the first couple months since Dday. I guess my question is how should I approach this dilemma? She has said if the shoe was on the other foot, she would be jealous about the texting relationships she has. She has always had guy friends and bonds with guys easier than other women. She does have 3 super close girl friends that are like family to her. I don’t want to change who she is and I want her to have her freedom. When we are not connecting, I get very jealous that she has these fun playful relationships with other guys. I don’t know any of them, but she assures me she has no interest in any of them. We are working to strengthen are bond, and this is another road bump. Just looking for advice on how I should approach this. Thanks!

11 comments posted: Monday, September 13th, 2021

Friends Opposite Sex

DDay was in December 2020. I am the Wayward Husband. I came 100% clean on dday and shared everything. I was an open book and gave her access to everything. My wife has not committed to reconciliation at this point but we are still living together and seeing a MC and ICs. I am 100% committed to saving our marriage. I am 100% in love with my wife. I wont elaborate on why I cheated, but I completely own all the fault. My wife has always had guy friends. Since D day I know she has had one emotional affair and exchanged sexual pics online. She has confided in four men about our relationship issues. 2 know everything. I know I am at fault for cheating and zero blame falls on her. I have shared my concerns with her and she blows them off. She has stopped contact with the one emotional/online guy. I was curious of how other WS handled this type of thing. She will be travelling out of state next week and I know she will see one of her old guy friends who knows everything. My wife has always struggled with alcoholism. She has been trying to stay sober recently and has had a lot of slip ups. I do not expect her to stay sober and have never told her so. She has unnecessarily lied to me about her drinking and just today I found bottles in the trash. She plans to drink on her vacation and has openly told me that. I worry that this guy friend and her drinking is a threatening combo. How would you handle this situation?

10 comments posted: Thursday, July 15th, 2021

Trial Separations

I am the wayward husband. Dday was on 12/18/20. We have 3 kids between 2-9 years old. I have had lots of casual sex affairs and even some prostitutes for the last 8 years. I am still in love with my wife and have been doing everything possible to save the marriage. We are both in IC and MC. She has been losing hope in her ability to forgive, and I understand that. She wants to do a 2 week trail separation. I have a very sick dad so we are telling the kids I am leaving to help my parents out with my dad. Can anyone share their personal experiences with trial separations. How did it go? Any recommendations for us? We have decided to be faithful during the separation, but have zero interactions aside from logistics with swapping the kids. No small talk and after the 2 weeks we talk about how it went for us both. I know already that I will not like it at all, but I want it for her peace. She will continue to have my GPS location through the separation.

Thanks for listening.

4 comments posted: Friday, June 18th, 2021

Ups and Downs

Sorry for taking this down. Just had a selfish/emotional day.

[This message edited by Rebuilding1218 at 8:02 AM, May 14th (Friday)]

7 comments posted: Thursday, May 13th, 2021

Dark Dark Thoughts

81 days since D Day. I had lived a double life having casual sex with online meet ups for most of the ten years we have been together. It is killing me to watch my betrayed wife in so much pain. She has wonderful family and friends that have been supportive of her. I have taken 100% responsibility for my actions and only blame myself. I understand deceptive sexuality as a form of domestic abuse. I am not a stupid person, but I was never able to see what potential harm I would cause. It is highly possible that I will lose my wife and split up my family(3 kids together).

I am in IC and MC and I have read multiple books on SA including "Out of the Dog House" by R Weiss. I obsessively listen to podcasts and read articles on SA and infidelity. I have not found any local groups to meet with like SAA, but I continue to look for additional support. I have told my closest friends and family what I am going though, but I feel so alone still. I feel like I let everyone down most importantly my wife and children ages 2-8.

I have no appetite and cant sleep at night. Today I couldn't stop crying when leaving the house to go to work. I have to hide the tears around the children.

Neither of us are very religious, and I think that might make the chances of reconciliation harder.

Any WS have any advice for surviving this period? Does it get better? I am in love with her, so how can I survive her leaving? Any optimism or hope would make me feel better, but no need to sugar coat. The thought of breaking up the family for good is world shattering. Please let me know how it worked out for you.

***I think I clicked so WS only can respond, but I am kind of new here so if that's not right let me know.

4 comments posted: Tuesday, March 9th, 2021

10 weeks out, any advice?

We are 10 weeks out from D Day. I have been with my wife for over 10 years. We have 3 children together. I cheated on her for the better part of 7 years. I found online casual discreet sex through craigslist and more recently double list. On D Day, I accidentally texted my wife something sexual and out of context that was not meant for her. I came 100% clean on D day and told her everything and gave her total access to the apps I had used. I have probably slept with around 25 women since we have been together. She has not left me yet. She tells our marriage counselor that she is only giving this a chance because of our children. She says that if I make her decide to stay or go today, she is gone. We have started a trial separation. My wife and I have always worked opposite schedules during the week. I work daytime and her nights. Typically, we are only together on weekends. She wants us to be apart on weekends for the next 6 weekends. This is extremely hard for me, but our MC and my IC tell me to give her space. My wife has always had a lot of guy friends and I have always had low self esteem and insecurity regarding this. Throughout our marriage she would only have sex with me after multiple alcoholic drinks. I was sure she was finding sexual satisfaction outside of our marriage. I created a lot of false realities to justify my monstrous behaviors. Last week, I went through her Facebook messages and she has had an online relationship with an old friend of hers who is living in China. She told me it has only been going on since she found out about my cheating, which I believe. She has also talked about our marriage issues with other guy friends of hers. My wife is beautiful, and I am not on her level physically. I am completely at fault for this disaster. I am constantly struggling with Shame, Sadness, and Intense Anger. I wonder how long I must wait until she decides if she will stay or go. Does anyone have experience with this type of situation? I am in constant fear that I will lose her heart for good to another man. I know I deserve to lose her, but I will do everything possible not to. Any advice or thoughts are appreciated!

16 comments posted: Monday, February 22nd, 2021