I filed today
2+ years post (huge) DDay (one of many many many), I filed today. STBXWH has done absolutely fuck-all for recovery, repair, and reconciliation. I gave so many chances. He knows what he needs to do and because it makes him feel "trapped" (read: he will be unable to continue cheating and acting out), he won't do it.
When I got home from the courthouse after filing, I went to him to tell him in person, as a courtesy--instead of letting him find out when he is served. He had the gotdam audacity to tell me that the divorce is my fault. Because somehow I caused him to have to have sex with prostitutes, and then also caused him to fail to engage in recovery work. OK buddy.
Then I told the kids (3 young adults and one wonderful daughter-in-law), by a letter I had pre-written for them. They've been expecting this since last year but I told them at the time I was still trying to see if their dad would engage in recovery. I think they are probably very sad, but they are pretty stoic like me typically. They know that his cheating and lying is the cause of the split because I am for sure not keeping STBXWH's dirty secrets anymore.
Told my BFF and sister as well.
Ugh now I have to finish creating the process of service package. I hate paperwork in general, and this is the worst!
I've been weeping so much since yesterday, taken over by heaving sobs at times. Other moments I'm just so mad. Other moments I'm like "bleh, what a jerk."
I hope I can finish my own healing now. I hope this is the beginning of that, because that's what I need.
Postscript, STBXWH in an email to me after I told him I filed:
"I love you, <name>. And I want you. I want you more than anything. And I want our future together."
My response:
"...ok?? As I've said before: Prove it. Show me. Otherwise these are completely meaningless words. That you haven't taken action in the recovery process to show me that you feel this way means that your words are just words. Words words words words words.
I simply believe nothing you say. I believe only what you do, and thus far what you do is lie, cheat, cheat more, and lie more. I don't believe that you love me. A person who loves does not do what you have done. A person who loves takes responsibility, becomes accountable, makes amends, and improves themselves so they can stop hurting their beloved. You don't do those things, therefore you do not love me. I know you think you love me, but by any objective measure you do not. I think what you're feeling is fear of being alone and abandoned, not love.
I'd like to tell you to stop claiming "I love you" and other bullshit, but there's no point. You're going to say whatever you think will make me come running back. So I guess you will keep doing it until you realize it's not going to work this time."
13 comments posted: Wednesday, April 6th, 2022
