How to remove AP from life when you can't fully remove them?

Hi everyone. This is my first post on this site. I've been posting quite a bit on another forum, but the main group there is betrayed spouses. I didn't realize that when I first posted there. It just so happened to be one of the first sites to come up on Google. They've been incredibly helpful and surprisingly didn't tell me to f*** off and never post there again. I think their experience and perspective from the other side is very helpful for me. But right now I need the perspective or experience of fellow "waywards." It still feels weird calling myself that. I never thought I'd have an affair. I'm sure most of us probably don't.

I'm not going to type my whole story out right now because it'll take all day and nobody wants to read an essay about my affair. I can provide more info if needed.

I'm a 30 year old woman married to my husband for 7 years. We've been together for 12 years, since we were both 18. Our marriage has been rocky for the past 1.5-2 years, I won't get into all the reasons why right now.

I began what I now know the have been an emotional affair for a male friend who I've known for nearly as long as I've known my husband. I didn't realize that's what it was at the time, but it's clear to me now. That went on for about 2 months, then it turned physical and lasted for about another 4 months.

I then found out I was pregnant. I was on birth control but didn't use condoms with my husband or the OM. Since I didn't get periods, I didn't know how far along I was or when I might have conceived. OM and I were having sex about 1-2 times a week on average, My husband and I were having sex very sporadically. We were usually too pissed off at each other to want to sleep with each other, but it still happened. The doctor confirmed the pregnancy and thought I might be nearing the end of the 1st trimester. At an ultrasound I found out I was only about 7 weeks pregnant, but with twins. There are already 2 sets of twins in my family and I've always hoped and dreamed to have twins of my own. I knew almost immediately that I was keeping these babies and that I would most likely be doing it alone. I never once considered hiding the affair from my husband and telling him that he was the father. Based on the dates, it seemed like OM was the only possibility as far as the father went.

Upon confessing to my husband, he immediately said he wanted a divorce. Shockingly the other man told me he was happy and wanted to leave his wife to be with me, to be together and raise our babies. I'd expected him to run the other way. I let myself entertain the idea of us being together. But I'm not in love with him. We never talked about leaving our spouses to be in a real realtionship together before. I don't really want to start a real relationship off the back of an affair and force anything because of an unplanned pregnancy.

I'll admit I was in the "affair fog" for a while. I laughed when people told me about it, but now I know it's a real thing. I couldn't completely close the window on the possibility of being with OM. I don't know if it was desperation or what. But over the past few weeks I've rediscovered my love for my husband. We aren't talking about reconciling right now and it is likely not really an option for us. Our marriage had a lot of issues that would still need to be worked out in addition to the affair and pregnancy. The only good news is that I've learned there is a small but real chance my husband may be the father, according to my doctor. I've started praying every day that he is - not so he'll be with me or anything, but because I know he's a good man and will be a good father. I still think divorce is more likely even if he is the father. But the important thing is that I want to try to repair our relationship based on what it is now. I want to be able to express true remorse to him. I want to be open to him and help him heal. Ideally, I wish there could be some chance even if down the road that we might be able to reconcile one day, but that's not my choice to make and if OM is the father of these babies then it could be asking far too much of my husband and I understand that.

But what I need to do right now is remove OM from my life as much as I can given the circumstances. We have not had a physical relationship since I told him of the pregnancy. That's the last time I saw him in person. He was briefly kicked out by his wife, but convinced her to let him come back home "for the sake of their daughter." He told me she let him come home on the condition that he doesn't see or speak to me. We continued to talk, but it wasn't like it used to be. I had bigger concerns than talking dirty to him and getting off. Meanwhile, that seems to be where his thoughts toward me have remained. He still messages me to ask how I am, how the babies are, and also to tell me how much he wants me sexually. I have not been engaging him in the sexual conversations.

My problem is that if the babies are OM's, I will be assisting my husband and his lawyer with getting my husband's name absolved from being their legal father. He shouldn't have to be on the hook for kids that aren't his. In the eyes of the court, the ideal solution will be for my husband to take the appropriate legal steps to challenge paternity, but for OM to petition the court to establish himself as the father at the same time. Right now, he says that's what he plans to do; however, he only ever speaks of it as us being together and parenting them together. I have no intention of preventing him from being involved in their lives, but it won't be a situation of us being together. I'm worried if I completely shut him down now, he'll get pissed off and decide to be difficult once they are born and I need him to petition the court, take a DNA test, etc. Even if he does cooperate with everything legally, he'll be in my life in some way basically forever.

So how do I go about removing him from my life as much as I can right now while things are completely up in the air. I don't feel I can afford to completely alienate him but I don't want to lead him on or engage in any sort of emotional affair or anything that might be miscontrued as such. What sort of things should I tell him? Should I explain all of these feelings to him and just have no contact with him until the babies are born and a paternity test is performed? I want him out of my life right now while I work on connecting with my husband.

[This message edited by CLuvG at 4:43 PM, March 31st (Wednesday)]

38 comments posted: Wednesday, March 31st, 2021