Here we go..

It has taken a while for me to work up the courage to write out and post what I’ve done. I’m ashamed of my actions and for hurting my wife.

A little background and to explain the mad hatter aspect of our marriage... in my adult dating life I have a long history of being cheated on. Most notable was a live in gf. She cheated and subsequently got pregnant we paternity tested and it devastated me. I wasn’t the father and I struggled but moved on from her. The next girl I met was my wife. We dated for about a year then we got engaged and a month or so later found out she was pregnant.

We married the next year just before DS1 was born. A few years later we were pregnant with DS2. Late one night During second pregnancy W tearfully confessed that around the time of our engagement and conception of our first son she had a ONS with a coworker.

I started experiencing some pretty severe ptsd. Paired with going though a paternity test for a second time, this time with a boy I had raised for almost 2 years, it was a rough experience. Thankfully DS1 was mine biologically. We went to counseling (mostly her going to IC) and worked on our marriage. We have grown through it and been very happy since that middle of the night confession 4 years ago.

Just after COVID hit last year I started posting explicit pictures of myself anonymously (no face in any pics) on a well known site. Purely selfish motivations on my part. I cannot blame it on my W at all. I just craved external validation and in turn enjoyed the attention I got from my posts. It started with just me posting and people commenting on the pics for a week or two. Then some of the female explicit posters from the website started to get in contact with me and we ended up exchanging explicit pics and videos (never shared my face or real name) along with dirty talk/sexting. After about a week of that I quit cold turkey. I deleted all my accounts and those apps involved off my phone.

I told myself I was done and I would never do it again and I didn’t... until early this year. Essentially the exact same scenario panned out. Anonymous posts, again fueled by a purely selfish need for external validation, led to direct contact with female posters led to more pic/ video exchanges and sexting. The second time around was much more accelerated from the first post to deleting of online profile, Snapchat, including all contact with other women was just over a week in duration.

I’m at the point now where I know I need to confess to my W what I have done. While there is no good time to confess she, right now, is in the height of her stressful time of the year at work. I know the earlier confession the better but in 3 or 4 weeks she will have considerably more free time to process and make her decisions with out the extreme stress of work.

To clarify some of the gritty details there was never any emotional connection in any interaction. Never gave personal information. Vast majority of interpersonal communication was through Snapchat which automatically deletes chats and pics/videos. Accounts on the website with my posts were immediately deleted and cleared off. I deleted them at the end of each time in an effort to control the temptation to pick back up with posting. There was never physical contact with any of them nor has there been with anyone else since before my W and I started dating.

It’s hard for me to look back at all the times I’ve been cheated on and the immense heart break it caused me and realize that I have chosen to become that person and even worse that person in my marriage.

I’ve lurked on this website for a little while now. I haven’t read much in the way of online sexual affairs. I’m not sure what else I can do to specifically prepare for confession in this regard. I have started working on a timeline much more specific and detailed than what I have outlined here.

[This message edited by Bs2ws at 11:54 AM, May 1st (Saturday)]

7 comments posted: Saturday, May 1st, 2021

I am a what you call a Mad-Hatter

Sorry I thought I was ready to share but I’m not yet

[This message edited by Bs2ws at 3:37 AM, April 30th (Friday)]

5 comments posted: Thursday, April 29th, 2021