Divorced and not hating it

So, I posted a few months ago here under "Separated and Hating it" if you want context on my life. Long story short: XWW had an eight month affair, lied about it for two years, and I got to find out from a stranger. I proceeded to separate pretty immediately and it felt rough. I wanted to post an update for the folks who were kind enough to commiserate and offer guidance in my previous posts.

DDay was four months ago, and while I still have plenty of bad days, they have become less intense and less common than my good days, or at least, normal days. I'm officially divorced as of a couple weeks ago. We had a bunch of loose ends to tie up though, mixed names on various bank accounts and insurance policies, the last of which I wrapped up today. I have to say, it feels really really good to be done. I have followed most of the common advice here: NC except for logistics and staying focused on self care. I'm actually in better physical shape now than I have been in a while since I've been using exercise as a coping mechanism. Also I'm a lot more likely to be able to sleep if I'm physically beat.

I've also tried to get more into some hobbies where I can meet people and put in the effort to actually turn some work friends into normal friends. I'd say I've had mixed success, but in general, I wish I could have told myself 3 months ago that life could feel somewhat normal again, and that it wouldn't take years. I think probably this has been a bit easier for me than for a lot of posters here because I'm relatively young (32) and have no kids with XWW. So if you are a new member reading my post, take my thoughts with a grain of salt, your mileage will vary.

The only place where I have not followed the guidance here is I have been seeing someone new for a few weeks . I'm prepared for that to to turn out to be a mistake, but I've been very up front with her about my situation and my desire to keep things light and casual, and she's been on board. She's also divorced (though not so recently) so I think that helps. I'm definitely not counting on that relationship to be long term or "fix" anything for me.

I don't have a clear goal with this post other than to say thanks to everyone who offered their support and advice in those dark early days. This thing has been a roller coaster, so I probably have some rough patches to navigate still, but things finally feel manageable. Even when I feel bad, I have the perspective of, well it's not as bad as I felt a few months ago. So anyway, thanks all. Cheers.

3 comments posted: Monday, August 16th, 2021

Separated and hating it

So, my DD was pretty recent. The thread I started in JFO is still on the first page if you want the whole back story, but basically I found out my wife had an 8 month affair two years ago. She never told me until confronted and never stopped contact with OM. Based on the facts, I felt and feel that I want to D. We have been separated since I found out and I will probably be filing this week or next (based on my lawyer’s availability).

When I step back and look at my situation rationally, I feel really good about my decision to leave. But I just miss her SO much. Despite the deceit, WW was doing a wonderful job of caring for me (at least materially) and running our household. I’m slowly running out of food in the refrigerator that she either bought or prepared for me. She’s a great cook. She used to do all our grocery shopping, all my laundry, all the cleaning and gardening around the house. I’m perfectly capable of doing it all, but every new task I have to add to my day is just a reminder that I’m alone again and it hurts so much. I feel it like a physical pain in my stomach. I got a hair cut for the first time in a year last week (I’m finally fully vaccinated). No one in my life noticed, except WW when we met to discuss how to separate our property.

It’s so hard to think that the same person who spent her days cooking for me and running my household and noticing the little things about my life is also the same person who cheated on me and lied to me about it for years. I feel like such a fool for missing her so much. It’s fucking embarrassing. I don’t want to tell my friends who are rightly furious with her.

I got some good advice in my original thread: take care of myself physically, set some goals for myself with hobbies I like, etc. I am doing IC, which I hope will help, but I just started. I don’t really know what I need out of this thread other than just to share. Maybe let me know if you can relate.

48 comments posted: Monday, May 10th, 2021