Where do I go from here?
Around 6 months ago I fell into limerence for a woman, with whom I had short but intense emotional + physical affair that lasted for approx. 2 months.
The other woman ended it for different reasons, and the whole thing basically blew up in my face.
At one point my SO confronted me, but regrettably, I gaslighted her.
From that moment onward, I went full NC with this ex-AP,
and deleted+blocked all her contact information - basically locked the door & threw away the key.
In the last 4 months, I have tried to be a better husband / better version of myself by:
- Being more communicative with my SO
- Trying to re-ignite physical and emotional intimacy with her
- Started a daily journal as an outlet for my thoughts, to help me detox from the ex-affair partner
- Daily weight-training & cardio to increase my physical & mental fortitude
The biggest challenge has been to detox myself from the ex-affair partner / Limerent Object(LO).
For those of you WS's who may have experienced limerence,
will probably know that it is toxic and selfish - the worst sort of curse.
The daily ruminations about the LO can be overwhelming at times,
which becomes a significant drain on your time and emotional energy.
But, I'm at a point now where the limerence has reduced significantly,
the LO is off the pedestal & I can see the situation clearly for what it was -
I was living in a dopamine-induced alternate reality.
What I have not done yet is to disclose the affair to my spouse.
But I don't want to disclose the affair, just to make myself feel better,
and I also feel it is still too early for disclosure.
Our relationship at this moment is stable.
Where do I go from here?
32 comments posted: Monday, August 23rd, 2021
Me and my AP - a cautionary tale of limerence
SI newbie here.
Herein lies the tale of a 1.5 month affair with my LO that ended a month ago, just as quickly as it had started – spanning a total of 12 dates.
Background – together with SO for 10 years, married for almost 7– both late 30's, no kids. In order to provide cultural context - she is Chinese, I'm South Asian. We both met while studying overseas and have been living in one of China's biggest cities for sometime now. We do love each other, without question. However, we eventually found ourselves in the 'Roommate Phase'. I had been tempted to wander, but hadn't given into my temptations...yet.
I ventured onto OkC around mid-Feb and after messaging a few women, met up with one of them. Her background - Chinese, mid-30's, studied overseas for a couple of years and was working in academia - apparently doing quite well.I was immediately hooked after Date #1 - she was chatty, quirky & engaging and we both had the same taste in movies, food and travel.
Setup Date #2 for some days later, during which she opened up about her past – 5 previous relationships, the most recent one lasting around 3 years - she'd ended it because she was expecting marriage, but the SO wasn’t interested. She had dated a foreigner and other Asians on previous occasions. This is to say that she was well-aware of cultural differences in international relationships. I recall her mentioning that after the last breakup, she wasn't interested in marriage.
Later that night, we found out that we had the same birthday.
The limerence hit me like a ton of bricks. I wanted this cheerful & seemingly carefree woman to reciprocate my intense feelings for her so badly! I was prepared to move heaven and earth to be with her! She began to occupy my thoughts for every waking second, that my brain could spare.
There had been minimal physical contact up to this point - quick hug after Date #1, and again after the Date #2, with a small peck on her cheek. Communication between dates was via text - some banter, but not too much. I got the feeling she wasn't much of a texter, and preferred face-to-face interaction, which she confirmed.
I setup Date #3 by suggesting dinner/movie at her or my place. She jokingly asked if we were moving too fast, but agreed to the following weekend. Some convincing was required to meet at her place, for obvious reasons. She was wondering if my place would be a better choice, but I made up an excuse about a roommate situation and she agreed.
My wife was unaware that anything was amiss up to this point. I'd simply told her that I was meeting a friend (on the 2 previous dates and upcoming Date #3 as well).
Date #3 came and I brought dinner to her place - pleasant meal, some drinks & a movie, during which I escalated quickly – ended up with 69, but no penetration, mainly because the little guy was not up to it. I spent the night and besides cuddling and fondling each other we talked about various things - her most recent (3-year relationship) that she ended about 15-16 months prior, her enjoyment of sex and sexual history (5 sexual partners), about her family and work life. She was looking for a new relationship and we both agreed to give us a shot.
The conversational dynamic during most of our time together was talker-listener, her being the talker. She didn't ask me much about myself, but opened up a lot about her life, family, friends, work and love. She had truly loved just one of her ex's and it was neither her first nor the most recent. We talked about our common interests in movies, food and travel.
From that point on, we saw each other 1-3 times/week meeting at restaurants/bars that we both wanted to check out. I spent the night at her place a total of 5 times within that month of dating - anymore would have aroused my wife's suspicion - more on this later. I believe it was on Date #4 that she suggested a couple’s trip and I foolishly agreed – we did the necessary hotel and transportation bookings shortly thereafter – the dates were set for a 3D/2N weekend, 3-weeks in advance – for the beginning of April. This probably qualifies as a potential red flag, but she showed me photos of her and the most recent ex that she kept on her phone. When I asked why she kept photos of her ex, she said it was for her memories.
In terms of physical intimacy, we had PIV sex for the first time on Date #5. I initially suggested bareback from the perspective of a possible connection on a deeper level - she had never done so before, and agreed. I pulled out, but she went on the pill from there on.
On 2 other occasions, I was again suffering from performance anxiety so PIV didn’t happen, just oral – I ate her out and got her off, she seemed to enjoy it a lot. She said that it was difficult for her to orgasm, having orgasmed from PIV sex only once before.
The weekend of the trip was approaching fast and I concocted a story of going to a weekend music festival with my friends for my wife - she bought it. Again, no apparent suspicions up to this point.
We spent a total of 3 nights together, leading up to and including the trip. As she had mentioned the lack of PIV sex the past weeks, I went to town on her the first night, finishing inside her each time – she seemed satisfied at the end.
During the 3-day course of the trip, I believe we had good chemistry and fun despite the bad weather – dinner and drinks, spending the afternoon at a mostly crowded beach. The only frustration she mentioned was PIV sex being unpredictable and that something didn’t feel right – and that it would become an issue in the relationship, if not resolved. Besides this, she seemed her usual, cheerful self – cuddly & responsive to physical affection.
Nevertheless, I rallied and believe the sex turned out fine by the end of the trip –I was able to get her off multiple times by eating her out and we got some decent PIV action on the second night/Day 2.
Pillow-talk consisted of our past relationships, common interests and love.
In retrospect, it is apparent to me that her attachment style was probably dismissive-avoidant or fearful avoidant – fiercely independent, childhood abandonment issues due to an absent father and afraid of falling in love.
The tail-end of Day 3 was when everything started to go downhill – after a lunch and a movie, she seemed a bit withdrawn and mentioned that a trip was a good indicator of how a relationship would develop. I agreed and said I had a good time with her.
The journey back home was mostly quiet, and here’s when everything started to blow up.
During the trip, my wife had been trying to constantly reach me via text and urging me to send photo, but I had not been very responsive.
When me and the AP arrived back at the train station later that night, my wife wouldn’t stop calling/texting me. My phone was on silent, and I am guessing (hoping) the AP didn’t see me glancing at my phone from time-to-time.
Eventually, the AP and I said our goodbyes & got into our respective taxi’s and on the way home I called my wife back and she asked who was really together on the trip with me. As soon as I reached home I found her crying, and she immediately confronted me about her suspicion that I had gone with another girl and not some friends as I had originally claimed. She went to say that she had felt that something was off in the previous month, especially during my absences. She asked to see my text logs with the aforementioned friends, but by pure stroke of luck I usually delete all casual text messages, leaving work related texts on my phone. I convinced her that it was all in her head, and went to bed. She apologized for the misunderstanding the following morning. I had somehow avoided D-Day.
Meanwhile, AP went completely silent after returning from the trip. I messaged her some days later to ask if she wanted to meet, but she said she was busy. Sensing that something was wrong, I sent her another message after some days to tell her if she needed time to figure or work things out I was cool with that, and she could get in touch whenever she wanted to reconnect. She replied immediately by saying the real reason she had not reached out is because she didn’t feel good about us after the trip and wanted to meet in person to talk things over later in the week. I agreed to said meeting.
AP and I met for dinner some days later, and she seemed her usual cheery self. After some small-talk she started talking about the trip and said that she wanted to end the relationship because it didn’t feel right, specifically she didn’t feel as passionate as she should. In addition, she didn’t care for the relationship, although she liked spending time with me. I agreed to end the relationship if that is what she really wanted, but said my only regret was the trip itself might have been the relationship killer after all, as it was probably too soon. Finally, we discussed if we should stay friends. I said we could reach out, once we were ready.
To be honest, I was a little blindsided by her lack of passion statement, given the intensity at which we had swapped body fluids!
Anyhow, it has been a month since the break and the process of detoxing from the AP has been a rough journey. Although, I am in a pretty good place now.
What stings is that I now realize I probably meant nothing to her after all. The limerence fog had me looking for subtle cues and imagining that she was really into me or had feelings for me, but likely there were none.
Most likely I was a:
- A short-term sexual relationship/bridge/rebound to help get over the last relationship
- A cure for her boredom – the excitement of meeting somebody new
As for why she broke it off, I have no idea although I’m guessing it was largely due to the sex or incompatibility on some level. Or maybe the trip was the relationship killer after all.Lastly, I do believe that the AP didn’t realize that I was married, during all our time together. Or maybe her intuition told her something was ‘off’. Perhaps the WS's here can provide some post-mortem analysis.
In a karmic twist, the AP bailed, but my marriage has seemingly survived. In fact, my wife and I are going to work on the intimacy issues.I would very grateful to other WS’s for tips on how to continue to detox from an AP, as I still have some work ahead of me.
Thanks for listening.
9 comments posted: Tuesday, May 25th, 2021
