More than 6 months have passed…and I am doing so much better.

First off, let me just start by expressing my absolute heartfelt thanks for the support, encouragement, tough-love, blunt advice, and kind messages that I received from this community. The huge outpouring of support I received here brought me much needed strength.

Next, a brief history of my story - a TL;DR, if you will:

- Married for less than 2 years; dated for a few years prior to our wedding.

- In early 2021 I started getting suspicious … something felt "off" with my wife’s "friendship" with a coworker.

- Had a chat with her in May 2021 when she basically told me that she "needed space", among other things. Basically she tried to blame me for the "issues’ in our marriage. Also she refused to participate in couples’ counseling with me.

- In June-ish(?) I first posted here, worried that she was having an emotional affair. I got like 45 pages of advice, comments, suggestions.

- Confronted my wife, she denied, denied, denied. Implemented a soft-180 and noticed her picking up on my behavior change.

- Eventually she came clean, I told her we were getting a divorce. She tried to get me stay, arguing that a divorce was "drastic" and we should merely separate.

- I moved out on August 2, 2021. Across the country to a new job.

- Divorce was finalized just over a month later.

NOW:

I am doing much better than I was six or seven months ago when I was posting here about my ex’s infidelity and my divorce.

Like, objectively so.

- I have a fantastic job, which is MUCH better than the one I left.

- live in a great city, close to family and tons of beautiful outdoor activities.

- have an amazingly fun, loving, and loyal dog

- get to travel for both work and for fun at least once a month (I’m typing this from an airport bar, returning from a trip where I visited old friends who I left when I moved away)

- am making tons of new friends

- have started to go out on dates and spending more time with girls, it’s been fun!

- Continuing my therapy and improving myself mentally.

- Have a consistent weight lifting routine and am improving myself physically

- I am developing my skills at playing guitar and getting into new hobbies

- I bought a new truck to help take my dog and I on many adventures.

And Best of all: I have started to set clear boundaries to help me live my own authentic life and value myself for who I am. I realize now that I was treated terribly by my ex-wife, who for many years in our relationship merely took advantage of who I was and my kindnesses. I allowed myself to be a "doormat" for far too long. The friends that I went to visit for the Super Bowl this weekend each pulled me aside and told me how proud they are of me. They know the circumstances of the divorce and the infidelity. They each told me that I deserve better, that they wish I had seen that value in myself sooner. They told me that my ex wife is…basically just living life as a shitty person. They don’t have much contact, or even friendship, with her anymore (and a couple of these friends have known her for like 12+ years! And are still not willing to maintain sincere friendships with a person who would do this to her husband). My friends made me feel so loved, so respected, and made me realize for the first time in my life that when I go against my desires to always "be selfless", and take care of myself and put myself first, I become a stronger, more confident, and happier person.

Now, all that said: I still have rough days. I still get triggered by a bad dream every now and then, or by a song that played at my wedding, or one that I sang at a concert with my ex. But these bad moments are certainly outweighed by the good moments I am living in this new chapter of my life. Things are only looking up from here.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I am about to board my flight home - and get ready for a date with the cute lady I’ve been spending some time with lately.

17 comments posted: Tuesday, February 15th, 2022

Christmas has been…a hell of a lot harder than I thought it would be.

I thought I was doing okay. I thought I could distract myself. I thought I could pretend that the first Christmas post divorce would be alright. I went on a trip with my family to celebrate the holiday. It’s been more frustrating than fun. Seeing my parents and my siblings all interact with and hug and hold hands and talk with their significant others has been super hard on me. I feel like just these last couple of days of "Christmas vacation" have knocked me backwards a few yards on my path to healing. I felt like I was doing so well - and BOOM - it’s like I opened a closet and all this infidelity-related trauma and PTSD started pouring out.

I felt miserable all Christmas. I Still do. I just want to be alone at this point. I’m way over my social limit right now, with all these heavy feelings about to spill out of me. On Christmas, I couldn’t help but think about all the holiday traditions and memories I made with my ex-wife and ex-puppy over the last several years that are suddenly, cruelly, lost out the window. The holiday brought back all that sadness I felt throughout this year. All the betrayal I felt. The anger at my ex wife for not being willing to communicate with me about what was really going on. For making me feel that it was somehow *my * fault. For leading me to believe that she was willing to work on things, but doing nothing to actually demonstrate that. For leading me on, letting me think that me doing what she told me she needed, for "giving her space", was all to help us... and she was going behind my back and investing all her time and energy into pursuing another relationship.

I keep beating myself up. Thinking about how I feel so down and miserable and broken up so often and how I have all these pieces I have to pick up to start to put my life back together and she has...seemingly nothing like that. She got to keep the house we lived in, the dog we raised, the friends we made, the restaurants we loved...the new boyfriend she started dating while we were married. And here I am, terrified of being alone forever. Nervous to start interacting with women again someday. Clueless as to how, or when, to even begin.

I’m upset about how things ended. I’m angry at myself for not speaking up sooner, for the things I left unsaid. For not defending myself when she was treating me poorly. For not calling her out on her shit (like staying out till 2am, getting drunk and "watching movies" with another man while her husband stayed home...what the hell is that!?). For not making it abundantly clear that I was being hurt and felt disrespected and that lines were being crossed in our marriage.

It makes me so sad to think how she didn’t even seem to *fight* for us. How I wasn’t worth her just telling the other guy "no" or cutting things off the moment they started to get even *close* to "the line". Why wasn’t I worth that to her? How much of our relationship was bullshit to her? How much of it, if any, was real? I remember how fucking devastating it was when, after I told her we should get divorced, she cried and said that seemed really drastic and that we should try a separation for a few months first. I responded, "why, so you can just fuck around with Mark (her AP) for a few months and *then* decide you don’t want to be with me? No, let’s get it over with now." I told her point blank several times that we could not improve our relationship while the other guy was a part of that relationship too (because, no matter what she said, he certainly was a part of it--against my will and knowledge). She always refused to cut him out or deflected and told me he had nothing to do with "us". I asked her one last time to cut ties with him and she flat out said no. I knew it was over.

I’m angry that I lost friends when I moved. I was planning to get season tickets to the local NFL team near where I used to live and go to football games every week with them. Now, I watch them on TV and feel like shit that I’m not there with those buddies I got to know and subsequently lost.

I don’t want her back. I don’t want anything to do with her. Well, that’s not true. I *do* wish I could know if the way she handled things has fucked her up as much as it’s fucked with my head. I know I’m not ever going to get that closure from her--but I wish she could truly know how badly she made me feel, how absolutely torn apart and broken I have been. I wish I knew that she was feeling guilty and torn up for how she treated me. A Taylor Swift lyric has been hitting close to home with me lately: "just between us did the love affair maim you too?"

I miss coming home to someone to talk to. I miss having someone to text memes and inside jokes to. I miss having someone *miss* me. I miss being hugged and kissed. I miss being desired. I miss going on long drives and listening to meaningful music and holding hands with my partner. I miss having a partner and now... months after the divorce, I realize with her...I never really even had a partner.

Anyway. Sorry for the ranting. Why do I keep hashing this out? Why do I keep thinking these things? Having the same arguments with myself over and over again?? Why can’t she get out of my head??

13 comments posted: Sunday, December 26th, 2021

One chapter of my life closes; the next is just beginning...

Guess what I came home to today? Correspondence from the court containing the final decree of dissolution. 

It is done. My marriage is officially over.

I feel...strange. "Numb" is probably the best way to describe it. I am relieved, but I can also feel a thick lump stuck in my throat. The good thing is that everything is done--the legal matters are settled; financials are all sorted out. I officially have no reason to be in contact with her ever again. As far as I am concerned, my past life with her (while still a big part of me) is in the past and that is where it belongs and where I will strive to make it stay.

I tried hard to work on the marriage, before her emotional affair bubbled to the surface. And while I know that I have my faults (and certainly, they are many), I know that my love for her was real and powerful and that is why this hurts still. I gave my heart to another person, someone I thought I could trust more than anyone and who would reciprocate that love and companionship and loyalty...and she tossed that aside. I know that I tried my best and I would have done everything for her and for our family...but she chose to throw that away. She checked out of our marriage; she threw away our vows; she failed to be honest and true to me and that is what matters.

Thanks to all of you beautiful internet strangers who have followed my story. Who have provided me support and love and care from across the planet. I never would have guessed that in my lowest moments, the most strength and love I would feel would come from people I have never met in real life. This community is wonderful and I truly don't think I'd be here without it.

As cliché as it may be, the lyrics to Taylor Swift's "All Too Well" have been very meaningful to me through this separation and divorce, particularly:

And I know it's long gone and there was nothing else I could do
And I forget about you long enough to forget why I needed to

I know that there was nothing else I could do; and nothing else I needed to do. I made the best choices for myself, planted my feet firmly facing forward, and started down a path to a new life for me. I know that it will take time for me to heal and that I need to allow myself to mourn and to grieve...but I know that eventually, I will forget about her. There will no longer be "good times" or "bad times" just..."time". She is my ex-wife. And that is all.

Finally, from "All Too Well", again:

'Cause there we are again when I loved you so
Back before you lost the one real thing you've ever known

I know that I loved her and that I treated her so well and she threw it all away for some asshole dude who thinks it's just all fun and games to go after another man's spouse. She lied to my face, denied any wrongdoing, gaslit me and manipulated me. She refused to acknowledge my feelings. She made me feel for so long like this was all my fault. Like there was something lacking in myself and that I was the one who needed to do more and give her space and...and...and...

Fuck it all. It doesn't matter anymore. I loved her; she lost me. She lost one of the best things that was a part of her life. I would have given her a lifetime of happiness and she tossed it to the side. She did it because she is selfish and lazy and narcissistic and scared and a myriad of other things. The loss is on her - entirely on her. 

I am going to stay strong. I will keep working hard. I will pick myself up whenever I fall off this "horse that is called life" and I am going to sit up tall and keep moving forward until I can look back and see this whole shitty experience as merely a dot in the distant horizon. 

And out in front of me? I have a life, and it only goes in one direction: Forward. There is a beautifully vast landscape out there, a whole life of love and adventure awaiting me and my dog, Marley.

-CheesecakeBaker

47 comments posted: Tuesday, September 7th, 2021

Divorcing, Moving Across the Country, New Job - so much change!

Background

Please view my post in "Just Found Out" for more info regarding the background/lead-up to divorce. I just don't feel like typing it all out again :(

https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/topics/653947/pretty-certain-my--28m--wife-27f--is-having-an-emotional-affair/?AP=1&HL=78991

__________________

Anyway.

Status as of right now? The initial divorce filing has been served; just hashing out some portions of the separation agreement now. It won't take long to finalize. I have resigned from my current role and accepted a really great position at the top law firm in a city about thirty minutes from where I grew up. I will be moving back there (across the country from where I am now) on August 6 and starting the new job shortly thereafter.

Because of how fast this all happened, I'll initially be staying with my parents while I get settled with the new job, and figure out my own housing situation. But I am looking forward to living nearby my family (my parents, two siblings) who I am very close with. I also have lots of good friends out there who I haven't seen very much since I moved away about 6-7 years ago and am looking forward to spending more time with.

Given how fast all this is happening and I'm not certain exactly where I'll end up living - at least not for probably a month or two - I had to make a lot of quick decisions. My initial thoughts were to spend the next two weeks packing up my stuff and then load boxes and furniture into one of those POD things (for storage and moving). That way I could just have it shipped to the new location and stored while I figure out exactly where I will be living after staying with my parents for a bit. That way I could just drive myself out there, with my essentials in the car, and kinda turn it into a fun road trip to cool off with. Not having to worry about a trailer or a moving truck or anything - I could just stop by and go see some MLB games at various ballparks, hit up some cool craft breweries, or maybe see some new sights in states I've not visited before.

But, at the same time, I have to acknowledge that I am struggling right now. This shit is hard. I have good days; I have lots of bad days. I am trying to stay strong, but it is so difficult. I am doing my best 180 and grey rock; not helping out around the house at all; and just trying to take care of myself as much as possible.

Even though I've made this decision, and feel good about it, and feel like it's the right choice - I am still so scared and nervous. It's like I am packing up my whole life from the last 6 years and just flinging it away. It makes me feel badly that I am moving back in with my parents and I'm almost 30. Even knowing it is only temporary still makes feel like I'm just kinda...losing it. Returning to my hometown area makes me feel like I'm taking a step backwards. Like, I moved out, got my law degree, got married...it all felt like I was forging my own path and now? I'm just retracing my steps. It's hard to feel confident and strong in my decisions now and going forward when I feel like I've lost ground.

I have zero motivation to pack or move furniture. I've packed a few boxes of books and winter clothes and stuff. But the more I look at it and the more I see all the other stuff I have, the more I'm just like: "Do I really need or want any of this?" Plus, the POD thing seems like a great idea, but it's going to end up being crazy expensive at a time when I'm going to be straining a little financially until things stabilize a bit more.

I almost would rather just fucking leave it all. Just pack my Civic with my clothes, my essentials; maybe rent a small trailer or something if I need a little extra space; and then just get the hell outta town. Do my little road-trip and get some "me time". And then not look back.

I don't really want most of the furniture we have anyway. It's going to remind me of her and of getting it with her and stuff... I thought about some of it (like the grill, the bar cart I have that I really like, my home office desk)...but ultimately, I'm not going to be able to even use any of that for a few months anyway, given that I don't even have my own place yet and don't know for sure when or where that will be. And when I do figure that out, then I could just buy new stuff myself!

But then my brain flip-flops and thinks, "You're still being WEAK! You're giving her EVERYTHING! Take it all! Take everything! GET OVER IT."

Ugh. This is all so HARD. It messes with your head in so many different and surprising ways. I know I need to do what's best for me - but like...navigating all these little nuanced details and making the tiny "every day" decisions that comes with a divorce AND a big move AND a job change...man it is just a lot and it is hard to deal with and figure things out.

it's just...so much change, happening so fast and all at the same time. I feel like it hasn't really "hit" me yet. I feel so emotionally drained. I mean, I'm sad, I'm scared, I'm hurt, I'm angry, I'm frustrated, I'm nervous, I'm excited...it all sucks. I feel like I haven't yet had that big "release" emotionally...

275 comments posted: Thursday, July 22nd, 2021