He went on a date.

Sorry to post again so soon.

He told me about it today. It happened a few days ago, and he said it was a great date. I looked her up, she's really beautiful. He said she was pretty. He was understating it.

I'm deeply confused because I thought he wanted to work on things. He told me, after mentioning the date very casually, that he wanted to still do couple's therapy and he sent possible availability he would have in the coming months (he currently lives in another state). He said I wasn't allowed to be upset, and that he is single and isn't "going to wait around" (I think he means either that he won't wait around until he moves back to my state, or if he decides he just wants to cut me out and move on). He said he isn't actively seeking out anyone, but he got asked out by this woman and said yes. Doesn't that mean he doesn't want to reconcile?

Am I being weird for thinking that his actions don't really match up with his words? I had no plans to try to date, it didn't even occur to me. But he said I can date too since we are both single. That working on things and dating other people apparently are totally separate things. I know I'm the reason he ended things, and I'm the one who betrayed him. But now I feel like a fool. Am I not allowed to feel hurt or surprised by this? Or insecure? Are these not mixed messages? Should I just shut up, not question it? Should I just try to date too? Wouldn't it make everything worse if I was dating around? I am now thinking I'm just a backburner option in case he doesn't meet someone in his current area that he likes enough.

I can't really shake the feeling that this is the death knell of everything. Or I guess it was my betrayal that was the death knell.

44 comments posted: Tuesday, July 20th, 2021

is there any point in trying?

I have bipolar disorder, and during a manic episode, I ended up sleeping with someone who is not my partner. When the episode ended, I crashed really hard, and not just from the inevitable depression that comes after, but also from the shame and guilt from what I did. We were together for nearly three years.

He (rightfully) broke up with me once I told him. We are long distance, so I couldn't even beg for forgiveness in person or to his face (he ended it over text). It's been a week since then (I know it hasn't been very long, but I am so broken over this and desperate to talk to anyone who may know how I'm feeling). I am starting to feel better but the pain is still really bad. I still wanted to try and work on things, I was (and am) still willing to do anything that could help us. We did couple's therapy before my episode and before he moved for work to another state, I wanted to try therapy again.

He said he still wants to talk, but I've been completely cut off from really bringing up anything emotional. We have only kind of discussed what happened, but I guess it doesn't really matter anymore as we aren't dating. I guess my worry is that I'm making a fool of myself hanging on. I have no friends so no one I can really talk to besides my therapist.

Is there even a point in trying to reconcile after what I did? Am I just being selfish? I still love him so much. But I don't think he holds anything like that for me anymore. I lost everything, and I know it's what I deserve after what I did. But I still want him to be with me and love me again. He keeps saying he doesn't know the future and implying we have a chance. I just don't want to keep hurting over and over holding onto any shred of hope. Should I just cut contact so he can heal and move on? The thought of not being able to talk or have to see him move forward and eventually meet someone and love them is unbearable.

In case anyone asks, I have been getting treatment for my illness for years. I had to go without my medication for a time earlier this year, and was working up to a higher dose before my episode happened. I have not had an episode like this in many years. I thought I was doing okay in terms of coping with my illness. I have a therapist, but they were unavailable during that time. I have their next available appointment.

8 comments posted: Friday, July 16th, 2021