BS- me 44, WH- 46, 2 year EA/sexual text & video chat. Dday spring 2021.
…never is a promise and you can’t afford to lie- Fiona Apple
One comment
A lot of the time I feel like a decent amount of progress has been made by WH and then with just one comment I feel like I am all wrong about that.
We have been going through a rough patch recently. Discussion turned argument ensues, I start spinning, he withdraws and then starts with the self-loathing.
Some time later I make a comment, "can you not think of one positive thing about yourself"? He thinks for a moment- "I’m loyal".
Say whatttt?? I had no comment. I was dumbfounded. He did not even realize the irony in the comment. Without my asking, he expanded his thoughts and I see where his mind was at and "loyal" made sense in that one particular aspect but geesh. What a disconnect there. It was deflating.
I’m not looking for advice or anything. I just wanted to share with folks who get it- how WS can be so oblivious- And how one seemingly small comment can really set you back and make you question everything.
12 comments posted: Wednesday, May 8th, 2024
Are all sexual affair WS sex addicts?
Are all sexual affairs (whether physical or online/sexting) considered sexual addiction?
I have yet to keep an IC and recently started with a new therapist whose practice is geared towards sex addicts. From what I have read sex addict counselors have a good grasp of dealing with betrayal trauma in general, so that is why I went the sex addict counselor route this time. Plus she does Emdr which I was hoping to try.
So she suggested, without hearing too much about my WH or the story of betrayal, that he would benefit from sex addiction counseling and if he doesn’t see a CSAT she will take my therapy one direction verses, if he does see CSAT she will gear things in a different direction with my counseling. Which I took as if he does CSAT he is working on being good partner and if no CSAT he is not and I’m basically moving forward alone in her eyes? Idk. She suggested that we should both be in a 12 step program.
I was a little taken aback as I didn’t see my WH as this type of addict. And I had even done some reading prior to this about SA and it didn’t really seem to fit. I mean yes, he loves sex. But what he seemed to get from the A was the ego boost that kept bringing him back to communicating with this person… and the nonjudgmental conversation, etc. all the same crap as any given WS. There was a sexual component but does that make it an addiction?? Their communication was not always sexual. Sometimes just talk about work or life. (Theirs was a long distance relationship kept in touch by phone, text, video.)
I’m so confused. WH IC never brought up SA or seemed concern. His IC was very focused on the ego trip- not just with women, but work and other aspects of life as well. Among other FOO issues.
Could this be a case of the specialist will find the problem they are trained to treat? You know, if you have an illness and you see a heart Dr they’ll tell you it’s a heart problem and if you see a kidney Dr for the same illness they’ll tell you it’s a kidney problem. Haha, you know what I mean?
Thoughts anyone?
0 comment posted: Friday, February 25th, 2022
