Is R “homework” unnecessary punishment for a WS?

Long time lurker here, these forums and resources have provided a great deal of relief over the last two years I’ve spent piecing my life back together.

My spouse had a 2.5 year long affair. I won’t go into details because don’t want to bog down my question.

We started couple’s counseling a few weeks ago because I reached a place in R where I felt stuck and that we weren’t making forward progress. I told her I didn’t think I could do this anymore, that I wasn’t being given what I needed from her in order to heal the relationship. I have spent tremendous time and energy on coming to terms with and healing from her bad decisions.

As an example, I have asked her on several different occasions to read a book on R with me. Read the chapters separately then discuss together. She finds excuses each time, to the point where I no longer bring it up because it’s humiliating to be rejected when I ask for help with the recovery process. Now I will bring it up in the context of, why were you so resistant to doing such a small thing that would mean so much to me? I don’t think I even want her to read these things anymore at this point. She has said repeatedly that doing that kind of reading felt impossible because of the shame and guilt she feels for doing things so out of character and hurtful towards me.

In our first counseling session, I made reference to this issue as an example of a roadblock to recovery of our relationship in my mind. To my surprise the therapist asked, "do you just want her to do the reading because you want her to feel pain too? Of course you’ve done all this reading and research, you’re the victim".

I didn’t have the clarity of thought in the moment to stand up for myself on this point. In my opinion, reading a book or two (that focus on both sides of a situation like ours, not just my pain) is not a big ask relatively speaking. When I try to put my self in her shoes, I like to think I would be scrambling to do any and everything she asked to help heal the wounds from an A. When the counselor minimized this sticking point for me I can only imagine that it provided relief for her and helped her to feel justified in not participating.

I guess what I’m here to ask is, what does "doing the homework" look like in general for the WS? Obviously this is going to be different for everyone. Am I being unreasonable?

Positive energy to everyone on this journey!

49 comments posted: Friday, March 29th, 2024