D-Day 9/11/21 - 9/19/21WS(me 40sM)Status: IC, reading and forums

Trying to get better and be worthy

It’s been about a month since D day and I followed the script that seems all too common with cheaters when discovered by my BW. I read foreverlabeled’s post "The Work" and while I can relate to a lot of it, I think some will only make sense as I go through this journey. Like so many I thought I wouldn’t get caught and when I did it’s like I woke up from a bad dream into another as I began to scramble to repair what I should have invested in from the beginning. I realized that all the supposed feelings that I had for the affair partner weren’t real, I think I was after a few simple things:
Attention
Affection
Feed my ego
Escape

Supposed feeling were easy because I was on a high and not thinking straight for a long time. I’ve never been good at getting emotions out, I feel them but they’re often stifled. Wife and I have been married for almost 16 years and this was the first time I’ve ever had an affair and as soon as it was discovered it was like I woke up and was confronted with what I knew was wrong but somehow still concealed. I am in IC and talking about the reasons why as part of an effort to understand or reassure BW that it won’t ever happen again. She’s also doing IC. I’ve signed a post-nuptial agreement, shared passwords, converted assets to joint, read books, threads and trying to do things to help become a better version of myself and also be more transparent. I’m frantic - I’m afraid of what I’ve put at jeopardy, afraid of the humiliation and shattered perspective I have of myself.

Working through these early days is hard, I see the changes in moods and we’re trying to insulate the kids (teens) from this but not always doing the best job. I am afraid of the confrontation as I tend to shutdown and we write each other letters daily, which in some ways help me be more articulate but in others has the downside of being able to analyze word choice and read into perceived subtext. It’s good though to have an outlet.

The affair was long distance and during COVID lasting about 18months, one initial interaction while on a trip and then regular chats or calls. Nothing physical again for a year. Earlier this year, BW and I got vaccinated which she believes to be only so I could see the affair partner (AP) but I suppose that’s to be expected - in reading Things that every WS needs to know by HUFI-PUFI and talking to therapist it’s common to question everything after this trauma. In fact, the vaccination wasn’t related to the affair at all. I look at what caused the crack, she reads this site and others and so might understand it is me posting but I took over a submissive role in the relationship and like one person’s username felt like I was walking on eggshells. I’ve been a people pleaser and I’ve been told that I’m a chameleon by BW. In the flurry of disagreement, I shutdown - I tend to have an excellent memory but confrontations daze me and don’t see to commit as much extra context into negative memories. All these things comes up during disagreements and I’ve never been able to deal with it.

Early on in the relationship, there was a lot of drama with my family and wife. I’ve since cut off communication - initially for months and eventually years at a time. It’s been almost a decade I think since I’ve had any real contact with my mother, seeing her only at a funeral. I questioned those early conflicts with my wife and thought surely her perception wasn’t accurate and that there weren’t these underlying ulterior motives but my mother’s and grandmother’s behavior has shown otherwise over the years. It’s hard to isolate from family, however toxic they may be, but that bad behavior always escalates during the holidays. I suspect something will come up from my grandmother soon, but as I’ve said no real contact with mom - only the you should call your mother mantra etc.

I am thankful for even the opportunity to become a better person; we’re living in the same home in separate rooms which is hard but helps with practical things. We’ve been able to be an excellent team and fake it sometimes with friends coming over, but there’s an undercurrent that can’t be held back - so those interactions are draining. I’ve told my best friend about the affair and he opened up some about his own grief for a separate issue, but it’s hard to recognize what I did and not have more complicated reasons. It’s like there was this desire to have fun and not consider the explosion that would ensue, juvenile, stupid and selfish. I think I am making some positive steps, but it’s hard and sure it will only get harder but any advice or words of wisdom would be welcome. I’m genuinely trying and think that given my words have little value trying to do actions, but I also don’t want to try to extoll like "I’m doing X Y and Z" as I’m sure that would come across as insincere.

Also I’ve spoken to the other side’s BH, which is both extremely uncomfortable and insightful. It’s strange to see how he is dealing with things, the flurry of emotions he says he goes through, and his concern over protecting his wife. I’m not going into all the extra excruciating details here that have been discussed, but just looking for guidance. Am I doing the right steps? I’m reading another book on Apologizing, read others about how to recover after an affair and out of hope maybe even have a stronger relationship. I attend IC once a week, write daily but tend to be trying to keep myself busy with chores or other activities (reading, fixing things, helping with schoolwork etc) as it’s all too overwhelming and I know it must be worse for BW.

70 comments posted: Wednesday, October 20th, 2021