Don’t know what to do!!

So I found out about my wife’s affair back on March 15 2021. When I found about about the affair it was only going on for 3 weeks. Long story short my wife and I went back and forth where she would swear it was over, I found find out weeks later it wasn’t and so on. That went on for about 4 months until I finally put my foot down and said we need to separate.
The separation didn’t last very long bc my wife called me crying one day saying she missed me and the kids and wanted to work on our marriage for real this time. So come to find out her affair partner dumped her and moved on dating other women. I told her she could come back (idiot I know) but we would take things slow and we would sleep in other rooms. I still needed to work on myself and focus on the kids. My trust with her was so shattered I didn’t just want to jump right back into it and act like everything was ok.
Well as time went on things between us got a lot better. For around 3-4 months my wife and I started to really rebuild our marriage and things were going great. She said she wanted to redo our wedding vows, she took dozens of boudoir photos for me (some she asked me to join in on), she was going above and beyond to do things to regain my trust back. We were going amazing until one day she lied to me about where she went of the night.
A couple of weeks ago my wife told me she had plans to go out with one of her girlfriends from work for just a drink or two. She told me the location and that she would only be out for about an hour or two. With how well we were doing and how she was doing so well earning my trust back I had no problems with it. Well about 2 or so hours later I decided to call my wife to ask her to grab something on the way home but when I called her phone was off. Of course it made me freak out so I checked her location and of course I couldn’t find her bc her phone was off. So now I’m freaking out since I can’t get a hold of my wife and have no idea of were she could be. The only thing I knew was that when I checked her location she did not go to the bar bc her last location before she turned her phone off was waaaaay past the bar she told me she was going to.
So I’m sitting on the couch and about to have a panic attack bc I was reliving the feelings of when we were in the worse parts of the affair when she leave to she her AP and turn her phone off. I was thinking worse case scenario about everything. Then all of a sudden I get a text from her and she was trying to flip the quilt onto me bc I never texted her when her phone was off (I only called her about a dozen times). I was going to text her but it was going to be a very shitty text so I decided not to. I asked her where she went and then she confessed she needed some time to herself and went for a drive down to the beach. I assumed the beach that’s 15 mins away from our home until I realized he last know location was nowhere near there. When I called her out on that she said she went to the south beach (much farther away) and that’s when my heart sank into my chest. So the beach she decided to drive all the way to is the beach that her AP apartments complex is located at.
So a recap I the situation: my wife lied to me all day about her plans for the night, she purposefully turned her phone off so I couldn’t she where she was going, and she went to the one place that she should not have gone. She still swears up and down that she just needed some time to herself but lied to me about it bc she didn’t want me to get angry about her plans. How am I suppose to believe her!? She lied to my face for over 4 months swearing the affair was over.
So ever since that night my wife has been acting different, we fight all the time now and she just acts like I don’t exist. Last week we had a fight and she broke down telling me that she doesn’t know if she will ever love me again and that her AP is the only person she feels she has ever truly loved. She said that she thinks bc what she had with her AP was unlike anything she ever experienced and that she probably never was in love with me in the first place.
Well let me tell you those words completely broke me. We have been together for 10 years, and have 2 children and to hear something like that come from your wife’s mouth was soul shattering. Here I am still in love with my wife and thinking we were doing so well and she lays this bomb on me.
Every since then she has been so cold and distant towards me. She doesn’t text me at all when I’m at work and when I get home she couldn’t care less. She only talks to me when she needs something or needs me to watch the kids. I haven’t heard her say she loves me in like a week, she doesn’t want to kiss me or hug me. She pulled a complete 180 every since that night she lied to me. Everything has gone to shit, all the progress we were making seems wasted. If I try to talk to her she just defensive now and it turns into fights.
My heart is broken all over again and I don’t know what to do. At this point I’m contemplating divorce. I don’t want to lose my wife but I can’t go through this again bc it’s killing me.

19 comments posted: Thursday, November 4th, 2021