BH mid 40sDDay March 2019Reconciling

2nd wedding attended

We recently attended our second post dday wedding. Our first one didn't go too well, I coped by taking a few too many trips to the bar. This time we made sure to talk about it on the front end. The plan was if I was struggling I'd squeeze her hand to signal and we'd slide out the back. Wasn't necessary. Crossed my mind only a little. While the pastor was going on about the sanctity of marriage I was thinking about my drive on number 10. I had ripped it left fairway 60 yards short of the green, chunked my wedge, on in 3, two-putt to take another bleepin bogey.

Mostly I was looking at the 22 & 20 yr old newlyweds with a mixture of joy and concern. More so concern. Adults by age only. But of course I hope and wish the best for my family. All in all a good day.

Just thought I'd share some progress made.

1 comment posted: Friday, June 28th, 2024

5 years

Mostly a reader here over the years. This month marks 5 years. I find myself on here less and less as it continues to drift in to the past. They say 2-5 years.. I don't know. Not sure if there's a really a definitive point where I say I'm healed. However I can say that I wake up these days thinking (mostly) about what's ahead rather than about what's been done. The scar will always be there, I just don't touch it as much as I used to.
Since DDay we've sifted through the rubble, figured what could be salvaged and what couldn't. A lot was worth holding on to. A lot needed to be discarded and outright burned.
Many sober conversation of what empathy looks like. She's still digging in to her iceberg of FOO issues -quite the journey to say the least. And yes I have to work on empathy for her as well. I've been given the ultimate trump card, the challenge is to keep it mucked.
There's been a handful of times we both didn't think we could keep going. We had to extend grace to each other when there was next to none to give.
Early on I read a quote that the most intimate thing a couple can do is recover from an affair. So far I'd agree. I'm not sure how we could be any more raw and vulnerable. We know couples that have been married a long time that avoid fighting altogether to simply keep the peace. We're nowhere near perfecting conflict resolution, but we're still committed to putting our crap on the table versus under the rug.
I'll never be glad it happened. But when I look in the mirror I still respect what I see.
Things I still need to work on:
Giving myself grace. I had the vision that I'd be the unwavering, no hesitation, thick-skinned operator I've always craved to be. I'm not and that's ok. I have and will continue to make mistakes. That will have to be ok.
To keep dreaming. Way too easy to get in to existing mode, take the paycheck and live for the weekend rinse wash repeat. This past year we've taken some short and long terms steps to pursue some goals we've had in the hopper. Feels like we've turned a couple chapters. We need to keep exploring.
Take it easy on the alcohol and take care of my body. I'm not in my 20s anymore.

I have the deepest respect for everyone navigating this hell. One day, one week, one month, one year at a time.

5 comments posted: Tuesday, March 12th, 2024