First phone convo since D-Day

So those of you who know…still under 3 weeks since D-day. And I’ve followed zero group advice (I’m certain, to my own fault). I’ve asked for consideration of counseling since the time he announced he was leaving me for his 8 month affair (AP is still married and her husband didn’t know of affair as of D-day). He’s not agreed to either couples therapy or discernment therapy to date; said he needs time to think. I’ve followed loads of advice in article after article that suggested I keep up communications. That cutting him off makes it easier for him to just break away from our nearly 20 year marriage. So I’ve kept up with texts. Maybe per day for about a week. Just photos or updates about the kids. Or housekeeping matters/banking etc. About a week ago, kids (who had also been texting him) severed communications with him after they found a photo of her in my file (swore I’d deleted…I had deleted from my camera roll —kids and I share an Apple ID—but they found a back up in Google photos. I think that made it more real for them (they’re 14&15) and they became furious. They know ALL I’m asking for at this point is counseling, and they’ve demanded it of him. So far? Like I said? No go. I’d asked him to call about a serious parenting issue that had to be discussed via phone, and to my surprise, he did. He hashed that out and then, instead of hanging up after? I asked how he was doing. Loads of tears from him. Yet I think those tears were FOR him and the fact that the kids are shutting him out. 2.5 hours later? We’d gotten some stuff on the table for the first time. But still no agreement to counseling. And no idea if he’s still with her. Kids know we were talking and became hopeful too. But after taking the day to rehash 37 times the conversation in my mind? I told them the dial hasn’t moved. He’s still not agreeing to anything. Trying SO hard to stay grounded in reality…not Hope. Just needed to vent to you all. So hard. Especially 4 states away from each other.he can’t file for D until April. I feel like we still have room. But not with me here. Wondering if I should rent an apartment short-term in his town so I’m available in case he wants to try. Feel like I have zero Hope at R if I’m this far away. Plus it would place me much closer to the kids who will be starting boarding school in two weeks. But feel frankly like a consummate ass for even considering this. Truth? I hurt him terribly 6 years ago by moving with the children away from him due to poor schools. We stayed married, but for 5 years lived apart. Looking back on it? It killed us. Thought I was doing the right thing for the kids. It was a terrible thing to do and I recognize that now. When we all moved back in together? It wasn’t 3 months before he started the affair. I think it was all just too much. For our entire family. THATS when we needed help. And it doesn’t excuse his A. But it makes my emotions about it all so incredibly complicated. Thanks for allowing me to vent. For far too long! Yikes!

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3 comments posted: Thursday, August 18th, 2022

Why “No Contact”?

I’m really struggling not to send an email suggesting we seek counseling and give this a try for one school year. Is it really that awful to have any contact after they say it’s over? Am I risking something beyond my self esteem? Just trying to better understand.

And for those of you telling me to notify the other spouse? My gut instinct is that it’s childish and that I’d regret it. I do pray she refuses to leave her incredibly wealthy marriage, however. She’s also devoutly Jewish from a highly prominent NY family and my husband shuns religion. I just can’t see the substance in this coupling.

16 comments posted: Friday, August 5th, 2022

He made his choice. It wasn’t me.

I finally couldn’t take his refusal to speak with me (we live in separate states because his job just changed). So I drove 10 hours, sent him the most loving email when I arrived, and asked that he meet me for dinner so we could talk. He bellyached for almost an hour about his job while I sat and listened. Finally I said we needed to discuss why I was there. That I knew he was in a relationship with this married woman (he said he was). Hen I asked if her husband knew yet, he said no. He went on and on about what a terrible person he is (got caught on video having sex with THE woman who was a high profile client at work; he lost his job, the house, everything) And then he simply said "He felt we should move on." From 17 years of marriage. Just simple as can be. I told him I love him, had been so committed to our marriage, and then stood up and left. And drove the 10 hours back home in a daze. I kind of wouldn’t let myself feel much during the drive. But now that I’m alone? With our children? And had to suffer through telling them everything? I’m not just sad…I was prepared for sad. But I’m terrified. I’m 52. Was a SAHM with a part-time job I also had to leave after he was fired. The children leave for school in a few weeks. I’m so afraid right now that I can’t eat. Feel nauseous. Can’t sleep…every time my eyes close they jolt back open and my heart starts racing in terror. I’m just beside myself. Been reading so many of your posts here. I see this is normal. But when it’s happening to you? It’s the end of the world.

8 comments posted: Thursday, August 4th, 2022

Ok, here we go....

I apologize in advance for length of post and my lack of familiarity with abbreviations. My spouse and I have been married 17 years and managing a long distance living arrangement for the past 5 of those years. It has been terribly challenging but was a decision we made to ensure the children had access good schools. During that time we'd worked together to find a job for my Spouse that would reunite our family--his job is site specific, my career is slightly more flexible. After 8 grueling years (we lived together for the first 3) he finally landed a dream job in a better location. I was able to find work with the same group as he and life on paper was grand. We bought a second house (we've held onto our original which is a family home in my name...thank God), found a great school for our children, and began our new adventure. We weren't together 3 months before I noticed things were really off between my spouse and I. I chalked it up to 5 years apart having taken a toll, both of us had very high-stress new jobs, we need to get used to living under the same roof again, etc. On the eve of his one-year work anniversary, I told him I felt I needed to leave my job for ethical reasons unrelated to anything relevant to this post. He was supportive and I drafted my letter of resignation. The following day, he announced that an immediate subordinate of his was fired for engaging in sexual relations with a client in the workplace; he'd been caught on security footage. My spouse and I felt terrible for him, agreed he'd made a stupid choice, etc. And life moved ahead...for maybe 3 days, until I came home from work to discover my spouse had been fired. His explanation was that his company had "lost faith in his ability to manage his team". Since he made 75% of our income, I knew what this meant for us. We placed our house on the market the following day and I resigned my positions. But I continued to stress to him that I didn't feel he was telling me the entire story about his termination. He insisted he had...While I kept repeating over the weeks that nothing made sense....it was an endless cycle I began feeling guilty about, yet I felt there was more. But onward we had to go. So hecbegan a job search that was hot straight out of the gate. But mysteriously, one opportunity after another went suddenly cold. People simply stopped returning calls. I couldn't understand it, but his business is notoriously brutal, and so I chalked it up to an industry matter and the fact no one wanted to hire anyone who'd just been let go. He eventually found a job--not great, huge pay cut, terrible location--but it was a job. We sold the house, I moved back to my family home with the children to take care of an elderly parent who was about to have major surgery and to ride out the end of their school year. My spouse moved to his new job and decided to live temporarily in a hotel as the housing market there is particularly volatile. So, if you made it this far? Thanks for sticking with me. This is where things truly went off the rails. The night before my parent's surgery, I received a panicked phone call from a friend who was on vacation. "Was I alright? What had he done to me?" She was hearing terrible things about my husband at a dinner party, was calling from the bathroom, and didn't know how to respond. She told me she'd heard he'd been caught having sex with a high profile client on surveillance and been fired. I assured her that it was instead his subordinate and everything was fine with us. That's when she dropped the bomb...no, the word on the street was that BOTH of them had been caught with different women. That they'd been using a work facility as their personal love grotto. I was horrified but STILL insisted this must be wrong. Since my spouse happened to be in town for a visit (this was again the eve of my parent's major surgery) I called him into the room to share with him the news of this horrible rumor! Well, he was incredulous. “How dare they! Of all the nerve. Simply untrue.” But the more he spoke, the more I pushed...I’d always suspected he'd not told me the entire story...could this have been it?! The horrible, god-awful truth?! I pressed him for 2.5 hours and he finally caved. Indeed, he too was caught on tape having sex with a client and was fired because of it. He and the woman had been having an affair for several months....it began 3 months after our family reunited. So on no sleep, I sat silent with my family in the hospital the following day absolutely sick to my stomach. Who was this man? How could be be so thoughtless? So cruel? We'd lost nearly everything. I was simply ill. That night he announced he “wanted to work on our marriage. The affair was over the day he was fired. He loved us but knew he needed help. blah, blah, blah.” I agreed to try to work on things if he sought some help. And so back to work he went, I thought intent of saving our marriage. I've since seen him only once to finalize the sale of the house and to move out our belongings. Half went to my family home and I sent half with him. I pointed out to him that he'd not sought the help he swore he would...but he said work was grueling and he'd get to it. He still wanted to work on things. And once again, off we went on our separate ways. That was in the beginning of June. Since that time? He has virtually ceased communication with not only me but with our teenage children. He will return my texts re. financial or other housekeeping matters but will not take my calls or theirs. This "ghosting" as the kids call it is as painful as discovering the affair if not more so. I sent him a text yesterday explaining how much this behavior is hurting us all and that I prayed he was getting help. His only response was to say that he'd "ruined absolutely everything and was so sorry". I told him we missed him, understood he was upset, but that his silence was only making things worse. So that brings me to today. I've scheduled an appointment with an attorney for this week to try and prepare myself for the worst. I've taken my savings and placed both children in boarding school to ensure that they won't get bounced around from place-to-place again, to buffer them a bit from what I believe will be a horrific year ahead, and to prepare for the flexibility I'll need to return to work full-time while continuing to serve as their sole caregivers (which I've been their entire lives). I'm trying like mad to hold myself together and waiting for our new health insurance following spouse's 90 day probationary period to kick in so that I can get some therapy for myself. So to wrap up what I believe is likely your longest post ever? I'm unclear whether or not I can get over the affair, the lies, and now the emotional abandonment. But I would like to try. In the meantime, I'm concerned about his well-being as there is a family history of severe mental illness. I've reached out to his siblings to ask that they connect with him--sharing only that I'm deeply concerned about his well-being. But he isn't returning their calls either. I'm completely unclear what to do next but feel like a hollow, needy, lifeless shell of the woman I was. If you finished this read? I greatly appreciate you extending the compassion to do so. I think getting this down on paper may have been a critical step in itself.

46 comments posted: Tuesday, July 12th, 2022